Watching Mom

I felt that same old,
same old feeling, emotion,
cursing my senses,
As I watched her struggle to sleep,
Once again, I watched her roll around in vain,
Listened to her weary breathing,
Complaining about her aching legs,
So thin, so fragile,
Could they break?

I could only hear myself,
Whispering, praying,
over and over,
"She's not dying"
"She's not dying"
"She's not dying"
With that desperate,
desperate reassurance,
I couldn't quite find.

I realize I was hoping.

It's not just tonight,
She couldn't get her sleep,
It's not just tonight,
She lost her breath.

Will you promise me, god,
That I won't come home one day,
To find my mama dead?
It's painful to see her so weak, you know,
She was never like this before,
How many days, I couldn't help but wonder,
How many days have I made her smile?
Has she smiled more than she's shout?

Will I miss the chance to say that goodbye?
Will she leave with a reassured smile?

What are you doing?
Why all the morbid thoughts?
She's doing just fine, just fine.
"Ouch" she cries, and touches her leg,
Crucially, I forced not to cry.

"Mommy, are you okay?" I asked,
Knowing very well what the answer was,
My mother could only sigh,
Deep inside, I hoped she knew I understood why.

Our happy memories seemed so faint,
And haunting me are our fights.
God, will you ever let me have the peace?
If she dies with me by her side?
If she may leave me here alone,
defenseless to my own cries..

Secretly, once more,
I cried and prayed,
Secretly, once more,
I tried to find,
What else I could do before the time.

I can't deny her greying hair,
I can't deny life's story.
But all I want life to give her,
Is peace and serenity.

Will you promise me, god,
That I won't come home one day,
To find my mama dead?

I want to be with her when the time's ripe,
I want to be there when she says goodbye,
I want to make sure I hear her say goodbye.

And watch her leave with a reassured smile.