little big things

There are still days
when I will stumble out of bed
to the throws of cigarette smoke
in a rush of a nightmare

But I have learned to
find solace
in myself
without having to cower in fear
over the make believes of my thoughts.

I will sit in timeless stupor
staring at non-significance
until the words in my head
blend into nothingness
until I see peace
under the debris.

And for a while
I am free.

There are times I will ache
an inexplicable pain
because I look back too often

Yet I learn that beauty comes from
what you choose to see
and I choose to see hope
behind every black hue.

And sometimes I look towards the stretch
of autumn skies
and think about
the view of the sky
from the other side
and contemplate
on how we
touch so many lives while circulating amongst six billion people on overlapping days around the world connecting and loving and hating and feeling and living and every connection will build and crumble and hurt and stain and heal and remain and they make memories that will last an eternity in the core of our minds.

And to imagine myself
in the middle of all this
there is a certain beauty of
that shatters my heart
and takes my breath away.

stark reality

the beauty has crumbled
like dead petals
on the rough of my path
memories of serenity now
washed away
with turmoil and
miscontrued desires.

i believed there was never a loss
in losing a love once
so beautiful
because with it
comes a million memories
from the tip of our fingers
to pave the ease for

i could see you
beyond the stars
a pale dejavu
of what was once -
and i learn to smile
but now i weep

as all i now see
is a storm ahead
and grey hues on the canvas of my sky.

i believed what we had
was real
but you were never
reading from the same page

and we were writing similar stories
from different chapters

what i was to you
will never be as pure
as what you were to me

what keeps me going
without you
you will never understand

because you are not.

as you mask your reality
with downturned thoughts
you drew me a confidence
that you took away
from yourself
like the stars you stole from my night

and there is now
nobody to blame
except yourself.


I once found the tilt of your smile
and cherished it
in the realms of my soul
but now i have flown
and you are far

soon enough
you will learn to find
the tilt of your smile
on your own
and cherish it as much
as i once did

because you are worth
your entire freedom


i have always had tendencies
to stare at a blank wall
and urge the patterns to form
until i am surrounding myself
in imagination

because reality sometimes
can be too bland and
too wretched
for a soul like mine to handle

i have always had tendencies
to look at life
under a stone
where the moss is plenty and
darkness is thick

because i have let too many
beautiful things

i have always had tendencies
to paint a million expressions
to cover my face

because behind the mask
is a sight not worth noticing

i have always had tendencies
to reach for the sky
and claim the clouds mine

because i am in denial
that the sky will one day
claim me

i feel my way towards
a misty light
where absolution
is non-existent
hoping that when i will
miss a step and
tumble past gravity
i will keep on falling
until i come out
on the other side of the universe
and you will be there
to give me back the balance i lost
when i was lost
on the other side


but there are never perfections
no matter how hard we try to
rewrite our mistakes
so i remind myself
that there is no harm
in braving the frontier
and walking through a wasteland
to find a way
to fix the past
and build a present

i want to give you the tattoo
on my fingers
that spell S A O R
- Irish for free -
because i carved for you
a new path
and you still have
much more freedom
than me
and you deserve the medal
inscripted on my skin

i am still caught in between lines
and stuffed into boxes with no openings
trying to figure
if honesty is really worth
tasting so fucking bitter on the tip of my tongue

i wasted a great deal of
when i let go of something
i planned a world for
and for a second it feels like
i died in the moment
because i let go of something
i was living for

but there is never a permanence
and i am still here
in the inbetween
reminding myself
that i let go of one world
to latch onto another

i want to give you the smile
you gave me
and remind myself
that love is not always meant to last
but i can still find it beautiful

it is not always perfect
because it is when everything
falls apart
when you find that missing piece
you've been looking for
beneath the broken concrete.

passing through

There is freshness on my skin
spreading from a burial,
from the core of my mind,
of what was once beautiful,
so beautiful,
washed away with the pain I have built
for the souls in love.

Light and heady,
nothing is clear,
except the words spoken
and emotions sheared.

It is about time I put aside my depression
and believe it is all for the better.

Sometimes I will look back
and shed a tear
because of the missing pieces,
but mostly, I will smile
and remember how it was once
a feeling indescribable
when i whispered kisses
and opened my heart
to somebody deserving
of much more.

I will smile at the chances
to have created perfection,
and look forward to the skies,
eager for new flaws to fix,
for new life.

the calm before

the moon is hiding his face
from the shame of the night
like my words cannot seem to
stretch from my throat
like a slingshot
in the hands of a soul
without direction.

i stare at the sky
as empty as the pulp of
my mind
and i wonder if there were ever such things
like the Northern Lights
or the cry of a heartbreak

if there were ever miracles
in the horizons of my life

the moon hides his grace
from the cold of my whispers
like the way i
hide from the sun
and its stark reality.