living saturdays

crushing up papers with
names and
dates
and
i love, i love, i love

white noises infiltrate every inch
of my body
brain
i am trying to stay calm
for i'm lost, i'm lost, 

i'm bloody lost and
i sense a dead-end

infatuated with counting down every minute
expecting explosions 
for i feel hundreds inside my body
upon every breath i 
am falling, falling, i fall

a coloured candy frozen 
on my lips
i make myself
more than i am
i was
much better at this 
before

before, before, before
you

how is love and
hate
any different if
they both find equal space between
you and i?

cave in with me
for i 
can't figure out
today 
as i live on yesterdays
and i need somebody to
help me through it