i let my fingers
trace your bones
under your skin
and you shiver
just a little bit
as i paint a skeletal map
of your body
in my mind
for permanence

dreaming with a certainty
that we will be the same
in ten years time
our limbs tangled together
in a curl of intimacy

my fingers get caught
in the strands of your hair
and i laugh as your eyelashes
graze the soft of my face

and you see the pain
of my overflowing mind
in the smudge of a tear
as you stare into me and
ask me
not to leave you behind
when my thoughts take me
far away

and i will go
far away
when my mind wanders
and brings me to my hidden places

but you will always be
my home

and i will always come back
to you
and never leave you behind
as long as you are there
to bring me back
to the depth of your heart

cigarette kisses

a smile i kiss
in the stir of the night
as we stare into our
familiar eyes
and i fly into yours
as you explore mine
learning to read my thoughts

your heartbeat is my poetry
and brings you
closer to me
reminding me that i am
not dreaming
when we lie together
without uttering the words that are
floating in the silence
around us

magic is in
every breath we slip
into each other's lips
as our souls intertwine
and you and me
become a part of
me and you

present ends

there was once a boy
who tore me apart
when i learned to love him
and blinded me from the sun
like an eclipse

and i will think of him
when old unwanted memories
at a time or place specific
like a stab of a knife
pain in your guts
and i wonder on the reasons why
i threw away my life
on a soul unworthy of me.

he was a boy
who opened my eyes to pain
and depression of a black hole
cold and hollow

yet i will think of him now
and feel good because he is gone
and i have somebody in my life
whose beautiful soul can
whisper into my heart
and heal every wound i built
teaching me how to relive the minutes
i have lost with pain.

and i now find
the courage to smile because
he keeps me together
as i learn to love him
and turn me towards the sun
when there is rain in my mind.


i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left you
waiting for me to learn to love
as i rummaged through blind nights
trying to find my way back
to a heart stashed
cold and unbeating.

i saw the brightest shine
as the skies lit up
the day i learnt to let you in
when you knocked at the entrance
of a sore, unnerved heart
whispering of a secret emotion
i always had
buried under the layers of my
insecurity and self-mutilation

and every time you pull me
back to your side
when you notice my mind
is a million stars away
i embrace the beating beneath
my chest
because the smile on your lips
is magic.

i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left us
but i will try my greatest
to create a breath of
fresh air
every new day the sun shines for us
as we stand together

when fingers touch


you are beautiful
because you tell me i am everything
when i feel like i am
not enough.

i have gone rusty with
poems i write smiling
and feel new to poetry
of a heart that has truly
found its place
in the hand of another.

"you are beautiful"
you whisper as you teach me
how to listen to the million other words
buried beneath
and i realize there is no harm
in loving myself
because to love myself
is loving you.


the way we write poems to each other in the same dark room and joke about the littlest things the way you imitate movie characters the way we sing our favourite songs and can't stand tickles the way we blend into the background of our minds because we are our own lives and moan about our days but love them anyway the way we can sit at food stalls for hours and know when to leave because our eyes speak words that need no sound the way you lift me up in your world and help me learn to fly and embrace my flaws and protect my fears the way you forget yourself and i remind you because we are each other's importances the way your legs fold nicely between mine your hair in my face my lips on your neck your kiss on my back my finger on your eyelashes the way i leave my smell on your pillow and yours on my skin the way the world can crumble and we still smile the way i get scared and you make me brave because you remind me i am whole the way our body heat create electric


i have had countless dreams of a figure
at the blur of a distance
as i stumbled and raged wars
with pain and distorted reflections

a figure who never strayed
and watched as i pulled away from the world
convincing myself to accept loneliness
though you were a figure
that was never, ever
too far to reach

until the day our fingers touched
and you whispered a way
to stop our hearts from beating
and pulled me back into a world
i had made disappear
and opened my eyes
to a dream that had always held true
because i'd spent too long battling my wars
blind to your hand reaching
for mine
to teach me what strength was


the way you cringe in embarassment when you stumble on words and watch videos of your college years the way you can tell when i can't sleep and massage my ear and scratch my back and kiss my cheek neck nose lips until i do and i wake you up because you are sleeptalking the way we share cigarettes and food and i wear your shirt and shorts and feel like i am you the way we can talk about nothing and everything and feel at ease the movie marathons roadtrips music life the way we know each other inside out the way you are always going to be my best friend the way our breath synchronizes their pace as we lie tangled in sheets the way my head rests close to your heartbeat and i feel at peace the way my dad can see the smile in our eyes when we are together the way we touch the way we hold hands and dream and laugh and love



and a million words cannot describe
the immaculate feeling of being
you and me
after all the
pain and
timeless wishing

and these words will never
show the world
just how precious your heart is
and i am scared to hold it in my hands
but brave because in your hands
is mine.



is no longer strange.


every now and then
i lean out for a puff
and i think about the boy
who threw his soul out the 27th floor of my apartment
and wonder what his last thoughts were
as his mind shattered
into a million broken bones

and the wind will sigh in demise
as if to decipher the meaning
of all the pain in the world

my ashes float in frantic attempt to seek
and my feet are rooted firm
to the chair i stand upon to remind
that i am luckier to find balance
where there is beauty
and i reach out
to the boy and tell him it is not too late
when i say i understand

every now and then
i lean out for a gasp of air
and i think about the girl who
sprawled across her bedroom floor
with blood on her wrists as her mother walks in
and remember what her last thoughts were
as she drifted towards death
and thank life for giving her
the second chance of pulling her back in

and i will meet the girl
every now and then
when i stare into the mirror
and dislike the way my eyes
have lost their shine
but i am able to
reach in and
tell her it is never too late
to live again

to beauty

i am a horrible person

i occupy myself with my own pain because i do not like feeling yours i do not like the way you cry and pretend you are fine so i turn away and pretend things are fine but i can see it when you hurt and you don't know this because i snap at you and pretend i hate you when you guilt trip me and put the blame on me and i treat you bad because i want you to forget feeling hurt for somebody like me and i want you to move on though i am stagnant and will never move on because i want you to forget me i know you hurt and it hurts me too and i just want this to end and i want you to


i am cruel
i am cold

i take your words and stash them away because i try not to feel and i want to stay cold because when i freeze and i break the impact is quick and much less painful and i want things to be filled with much less hurt because you deserve more than this and you deserve more than


i am dark
i am empty

i repeat lines from songs that sing about death and dark and i want to be rid of myself and i blank you out from my mind because that way i can sleep easier and feel less guilt every time i think up ways to die and imagine how you hurt when we fight or when i forget to eat sleep live i try to stay strong for you but you are stronger than me and i try to ignore this fact so you can embrace it and love


when you wake up one day and realize how ugly i have been

alone by the window

i lean out my window
light a cigarette, listening to the faint sounds
of the neighbours arguing
a gush of air
and the clouds move at an uncanny pace
i watch a stranger walk by
five floors down
and the world is illuminated
with a blur of sounds

i fill my lungs with disease
and exhale nothing
then all is still

deep inside there is a place where
everything is captive and buried
i try to release but i have forgotten
the skill
and all is still.

the clouds have died
the world is silent
the sky is silent
i am silent.

it all feels

art of pain

it is a reflection of days weeks months years of locking everything away and pretending i have never tried to die and pretending i am happy and trying to forget how it is to hurt but i still hurt and forget and i hurt and forget to love myself and love my world because in my eyes i am torn and shattered and i smoke when i wake up and smoke before i sleep blame the sun for my red eyes and swollen heartaches and the bruise in my chest because i cry when i write and i write when i cry and it hurts to speak and it hurts to stay silent but i do it best when i curl in and block out the world and hold on to a million memories that made me laugh and a million others that make me shiver and clench my fists when i dream and think in anger in frustration in disbelief of myself and the things i have done and things i do and i try to embrace life without embracing death but i cannot forget the beauty of letting go when i lay on the floor and held on to nothing except the whispers that told me things were over so i try to smother myself with chores and routines and words that mean nothing because i want to feel nothing and i forget how to feel but i feel empty anyway because i learnt that the math of the negative always empowers the positive so when i fall to zero i fall lower into pain and i try to smile because i am learning to be happy but i cannot face everybody because i do not want to infect do not want them to see how i hurt and i want the laughter the smiles the joy to return because i have always been better at dealing with my own pain and my own flaws and my own


i sleep it away for a few hours and wake up in a place where nothing is bliss because my mind is tortured and my body is exhausted i am exhausted in attempt to stay neutral and pretend i do not see it when they cry and pretend i don't know they hurt so i can feel like everything is alright because i want to be free but i cannot feel free and i try to let go of things that matter but things that matter is what keeps me going and i want to give up so they can forget me but i want to stay or else they will forget me and i am selfish and i am a terrible person because i have lost the ability to use my heart and love i want to love i want to feel good i want to feel real and significant but i am not i am nothing but a cold broken sore mass of emptiness and i want to let it all go but can i let myself go?


I am drowning into myself.


there was a time when i scraped out my heart
and placed it on a platter
learning through pain
to serve it cold for someone undeserving

it broke me into a million empty shards of
dead and unreflective glass

there was also a time i realized
i am the underserving one
staring at a heart served warm
and coiling backwards
incapable of holding its beat

the feeling of gut-sucking guilt
hurts like a million knives cutting into my eyelids
making shapes on the thin of my eyes

- so hate me

i ache and i
cringe with an overflowing surge of
frustration and self-hate and mortifying pain
it is as if i am the only one
who can see how fucking crucially ugly it is
to be me

i do not want any
of the beautifuletherealbreathtaking feelings
called happiness, love, hope, joy
because i am inadequate
and incapable
and too selfish and too insecure and too uncontrollable
to handle the normality
of being loved
or feeling love

i did once and
i ended up
trying to disappear

because i hold a black heart and
dry skin to the core of my chest
and scream only

i am deserving of nobody
and you are deserving
of the world