minutes

i try not to think of the things
that bring me closer to knowing
she suffers every breath she takes

because i want to look strong and
give her the confidence that i
can
be the daughter she wants me to be

i count the minutes until her fits of coughing will
end
from the other side of the wall
with the sheets over my head
to cover my tears
and gasps of helplessness

i am holding on too tight
while she is
slowly letting go

i stay awake just to reassure myself
as i hear her footsteps
every morning, 2.39am
i stay awake just to reassure myself
that my mother is still alive

and i hate to think of
the next fight we will have;
door slamming sessions
cut straight to the heart

resulting in me staying awake half the night
wishing i had chosen the 
right words to say to
the woman who raised me up
with all the right ways

i try not to think of the things
that bring me closer to knowing
she suffers every breath she loses

i so desperately want to look brave
and ready to face the world
even though my mother tells me
repeatedly that
i am not.

and she knows because

brave people don't stay up counting down minutes
with the covers hiding them from the 
last second.