twice the size

i tried
over and over
with repulsive comments and a strip of vein
falling out across my chest
across the truth

a cut i inflict; 
i spill myself but

everybody is blind.

i catch myself
counting seconds and
make-believing ten years have passed 
and i'm still
stuck in the same situation
same fucking place

i'm sure someone can hear me,
i can scream loud, but

everybody is deaf.

i am lying above a body
i used to have affections for;
still playing with the clump of
hair left on the skull
habits hard to crush, now, but
it is unrecognizable, now,
it-he-it-he-makesnodifference.

with organs twisted inside out
i see him for what he really is 
to me;
dead.

and i entwine my fingers to
charred skin
picturing how it used to be
months, days, seconds ago
before i 
did what i did
and i'm counting seconds again

three - at least we

two - can be together 

one . now.