it's again time for me to
strip myself naked of all
emotions and believe that
i am
so i can
die for
a while just to pause
my heart from
no matter how long 
it takes

i am used to
dying for
lengths of
where all i do is
listen to the 
hollow of my 
heart twisting me outside
until i am all but alive
and locked in
mind boxes
except the one speck
in me flying
free that feels 
about the whole process
knowing i am still capable of
doing things to myself
however bad
the things can be
and i can still 
i am doing this 
because i want to and
because of you


you say the words 
words but
you tell no one else
no one else
but me
so i die
crumpled like
unwanted paper
yet everybody sees me
torturing you
with the nothingness i give;
the aftermath of my
because all i want is to
yet everybody sees me
giving up on you
because you have
tears in your eyes
it is all
my fault
my fault

but they were
your words
in the first place

nobody heard 
nobody got hurt
but me
because nobody knows
what you say
when you
killing me


i used to be pure
snow and 
cloudless days;
times when i could sleep through a fire
and knew no pain
i used to be pure from
horrors of
i used to defeat nightmares
and conquer dreams
i knew no pain
but scars are all that are
left of me
etched on my body

i ruin myself because -.

i used to be pure
innocent eyes and
genuine laughter;
i was
somebody i now
cannot find
lost behind in
times when i knew no pain
and i
am now filled
nothing but -

i used to be pure like
but even they have betraying
truths behind the
happy endings; now
i have learnt and tasted
everything about
and digging my heart out
for you to stitch back
because you promised me so
was a pure mistake
listening to promises you were
bound to
and believing them, nonetheless;
you stitched me up
in ways for you to
reopen the wounds
that held
stale memories of
past heart breaks
whenever you
feel like it
just so you can watch me

and i bleed 
only for you

because you sweeten my life

and i bleed only for 
because the blood
so much


and just when I dare to think
we are finally 
mellowing down to a silence that merely 
meant our hearts resurrecting,
you inject
the final poison; 
"are we even going to last?"

for the first time in my life sunsets
scared the daylights out of me
and all I could see was the
darkness ahead
all of it
all of it

and I say we won't if you keep 
believing the negativity in your
thoughts to which you reply with
yet another length of silence
which I interrupt when
the repeated visions of you on
come back to me
those scarring images of you
walking away from me
saying 'we are over' like as if they were
just words but
they are not, not
not just fucking words

thoughts of you putting a stop to my heartbeat
like as if what you held in your hand is
not alive
but just
an object
dead and replaceable like it is
not alive
like it is

but they are not
just fucking words
because words don't signify you 
throwing my life away

they are explanations to questions asked
about pieces of a dead heart splattered
across bedroom floors and roadsides
a heart that once belonged to me

because you threw me away

so shut up, please,
because I cannot breath.

no escape

you plead for me to meet your eyes but I can't
because I am trying to look strong
by keeping my pain away from you,
the one vulnerability left in me
and I couldn't let you crush
that, too,
I cannot look in
to your eyes because of your words
that stabbed me gutless and
I didn't want to believe they were real
I couldn't look in
to your eyes because I want the
moment the feelings 
to be fake fake fake
fucking fake
the way you walk away, the way you were so
to shred my heart down
everything to the way you
asked me "can we even last
- like this?"

these moments that haunt my sleep and darken the skin 
beneath my eyes
how do i breath, please?


I can never get used to it each time you throw another line of sentences strung together like knives cutting all the way from my ear drums to my heart until I am unintentionally letting out gasps for air because your words words words I have heard a hundred times before still kill me and I just cannot bear to hear them because I simply cannot bear to imagine you walking away losing you leaving everything we built behind like how you threaten to throw away my heart each time there is a flaw in our bonds as if my heart is dirt and nothing much of a big deal as if it is just a piece of necklace as if they are just words i can never get used to it your repetetitve drive to break me into pieces like 'it's over' and 'i'm leaving you' i can never never oh god never because I can never bear to imagine you leaving me and I get nightmares now I can't close my eyes I can't dare to let my mind wander because I remember things I can never get used to because I can never never live without you never never it will kill me, I swear.

opium sticks

- You don't sound okay.

- I went through barbed wires. But I got through and I've now reached the lake.

- I hope the view is worth it.

- Well, it ain't a mirage.

- :D

- :)

repair works

times when you do
pull me out of nightmares where I 
rely on your rescue
and plunge me down a new trail of
unperturbing dreams

times when you do
listen and 
remember what strength is
everything in between

times when you do
pick me up from tatters and
rags and
stitch me up from
the same open wounds

times when you do
seem like mountains and a
forever open sky
millions of colours, millions of bright, bright
lights that I love

times when you do
wish to hold on to
what we built and all that we've created
each other

times when you do
say you love me and
say it because you want me to
stop hurting

times when you do
keep me alive

broken lines

They talk on phones with broken lines,
and none of them can hear
the other end; it is
good when I-Hate-You's are buried mute and
let slip but nothing gets better because
every "I love you" she repeated between the
gasps and the sobs
remain unheard.

They talk on phones with broken lines,
with the words never getting through,
words that should and should not be kept
and hanging up
leads to no change but 
pain because he hung up
when she said "I'm sorry."

And he never heard her cut her heart up for him
to mend, so she is now left broken
like the phone lines in the middle of the

happiness is a warm gun

You don't - 
because of the way I still have to repeatedly
turn my pillows and quilt inside 
to hide the proof of me never
getting the chance, of me rotting;
stench, taste, my patheticness.

You don't -
because of the constant 
misjudgements and words that
should not be said, words that
leave me drenched in self-exhaustion
because you say them anyway.

You don't - 
because I feel my fingers shaking
I can't even read what I write, but I write to 
stop my heart exploding like
kitchen gas

yes, everything is tasteless again.

You don't -
like ugly sarcasm where you
tower above me, hiding your hurt by
laughing at mine, you don't because
you leave - always.

You don't - 
because I ignore them when they
speak to me; I only hear
your voice, words, everything

and they are not real.

You don't -
too many questions in a list
I have already answered since the
day you took my broken heart 
from me to 
sew together,
and you did, then,

trust me.

Alternate title: Honesty is a lonely word

Burying Hell

when we pour ourselves into each other
clutching and
scratching upon every surface trying to leave a mark
so as to not forget
how irresistible it is
and the after 'I Love You's that
wrap everything up into
a perfect memory
of moments where you could cling to me
and never let go if
you had a choice

we are trying so hard to
be part of one another
in every way
emotional and physical
that every slit that divides us

we fight so hard to be where we are
and it all seems worth all the 
tears and

when you lay your hands on my body
and trace the lines on my face in a continuous
shape of a heart
you are saying the words
you don't know how to utter
and i swear, i understand

it is like when i
cut up my heart like
your piece of cake
for you 
for you
i do it all for you
and the smile on your face when you

is so beautiful.