Appointment No. 4

It is a routine I have
Begun to dread
When the night touches
The core of our souls
And blackens them
I am faced with another day of
I shouldn't haves and why does it always
Come to this? and
I'm nervous to see you nows because you might think my lack of words and lack of actions mean I'm not giving my all, when I am always giving my all, and when really I am just so shaken and tired of feeling like this over something that has hurt me many times before and I am scraping for you to understand, scraping to stash away this horrible confusion you make me feel and clawing and ripping for the little bit of permanence from you that I more often than not will get and feel like I am again on top of the world, and believe you when you say things that make me feel like I am doing things right without having to face the sudden punch in my emotional gut when you suddenly say there are things you can't find in the canvas of colours I made for you.

It is the sick slow routine
Of watching my hopes soar
Until they touch the sky
Finding their way to pick at my flaws
Like itching scabs that
Infect and blind
They blind everything
They blind
Everything I hold out
Within your reach
Just like how
Positive plus negative
Will always be negative.


it is the silence of our thoughts that pave
the way it feels better than
when my hand is in yours and
i am scraping and clutching
to the skin of your mind
trying to live in you
and be you,
sometimes forgetting that the urgence is
not so necessary
because you are already a part of me,
and you have already chased away
the tangible nightmares that sought refuge
in the centre of my soul for
far too long.

it is the way our bodies fit,
in pace with fate
and the turn of your head when you notice
my glance falling on the soft of your skin
and the emerald glow of your
eternal eyes
when they meet mine,
that churns away all the ephemeral moments
i call fear,
and bring me the permanence of bliss.

we build around us and
inside us,
our world.

a world with
tides that will rise with the sun and tumble
away with the flood of passing rain,
with land that give us growth through time and
breathless shades of colour;
a neverending world of
life and forevershine
that will live in our palms
but not on our shoulders,
because we are willing to
create that much for each other.