carry me down
the blow of the wind
and taint my eyelashes
with the tilt of a kiss.

there are souls that linger
in the depth of a heart
sealed and brooding
- never forgotten.

there are souls that are
passing through, so unfamiliar
and wild.

float to where my thoughts
are curled in and silent,
and be the soul i have
known forever
a familiar caress to my mind.

whose eyes saw you?

in mid-sigh,
there is a glimpse of darkness that shines
through the strands of my thoughts,
splashes of the world i lock away
in the canvas that is my mind.

i hold the weight of broken shadows
in the curve of my neck,
hiding away the scars
as i learn to heal an undying pain
that resides in my soul.

i have mastered the ability
to stack myself into loose furniture
and become the background,
because i know
lying deep down,
it is worth the wait, to one day
step out alive and
appreciate being at the center
of it all, again.


they are blind
to the shadows that
linger and hum
in the taint of my eyes,
spreading like a plague into the air.

everybody is yearning for something
but they never reach out.

i have room for a hundred
yet a million cram in
because i am always mistakened to be
larger than the world i balance on;
my mind is exploding
muted and white.

i am forever
fiddling with life
to test the impact of existence,
and it is a strange sort of calm
to realize the world will forget
to set its eyes on you
when you tip over the edge
one day.


these are lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
scrape. stab. stray. spit.
stab. stray. spit. stab.
stray. spit. stab. spit.
spit. stab. spit. scrape.
stab. spit. scrape. stray.
spit. scrape. stray. scrape.
scrape. stray. scrape. stab.
stray. scrape. stab. stray.
scrawl the lines that spell no meaning.
scrawl the lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.

take me.
take my mind.


the figure in the fog

hello stranger,
those beastly eyes,
they smother me and stain
my mind with
burgundy thoughts.

take a bite off my soul
and give me a taste
- perhaps we are the same
when we shed our masks.

i don't need to cut off my toes
to fit in your shoes, your mind, your self,
to see the world the way you do.

hello stranger,
what rests inside those palms
you clench so tight?
is it a secret, a memory;
a piece of your sanity that
fell out of sight?

caress these ephemeral moments
sometimes they linger but
mostly they pass us by,
intangible and slightly opaque.

hello stranger,
your hollow breath
will fill my mind with wonder
and i wonder on the uncanny
behind every sigh we break.

we may stray
in the span of forever,
but will always return home
where our souls converse with passion
right where we left off.

in case of a fire

sometimes i will stumble
through tidal waves
pushed under
long enough to strangle but
never enough to drown
until i wash up to the shores of my world
stretched. the pieces of my soul extinct.

i envision life without vision
and punish myself
for always finding contradictions
in everything and nothing.

i spent trickling time turning handles
to the right escape
but all the doors hold
memories of, memories of, memories of -
so i end up circling inwards
until i can no longer sense the burn
in the thresholds of my mind
and succumb to living with myself
every fucking second.


Hungry eyes
undulating emotions
they carve me chapters
from forgotten stories.

shake my balance
and awake my dormant soul.

the touch of dawn
whispering on my eyelashes
crisp and ethereal sight
of a song from a distance.

there are a thousand storms
rummaging through my thoughts
they create black rainbows.

course through my normality
and draw out my insanity.

it is a calamity that forms
in the throws of my mind
where i find peace
a corner of unnerving dreams
taking shape and
granting me my clarity.

hungry eyes
undulating emotions
i have stories yet to be told.


my ears are mute
choked in by nothingnothingnothing
but the sound of my thoughts
coursing down my throat
musky and warm and
piercing through my ribs

i am bare
for all to see
scorching bitterness surrounds my skin
and my senses are numb

there are storms in my fingers
and thunder in my guts
my dreams escape
clawing out through my eyelids
scratching through my eyelashes
and freeze into permanence

memories i once painted
on the hush of the night
release into a choir of
colourless screams

no longer afraid
because every black hue
is a shade of comfort.

which way is it

these are personal shadows
formed by flashing weights
above my eyelids;
heavy and half-open,
as i slide into a netherworld
to stop the pain from seeping in
and dive through my layers of emotion
escaping light.

i have been accustomed to
the sense of black for
far too long
caught up in the dark like an
and i am numb to
every motion around me
except those that remind me of you
and every pain we have plucked out
to keep for the future -

- now.

those bright lights
blinding my sanity
drowning my thoughts
until i can no longer
say i am feeling alright.

my permanence is what drains me.


I reach for capsules in the sky
to swallow them whole
before they disintegrate
and poison the hues of the night,
as splinters of a song
caressing the breath of every wind,
latch upon my lips
and pull for a teardrop.

Weaving in
in out in
out into my mind,
substantializing my thoughts
between the fluctuating shades of my shadow,
as I walk towards a hollow light,
faceless and

My words have turned
monochromatic and
dry like ash,
plaguing my chest
to the tip of my oesophagusimchoking.

I wonder how it'd feel like
to live without a world of collision inside me.


in my hands i hold
the weight of your shadow
and the pain in my soul

i let the night
graze past my mind
and feel myself
watching my eyes
as the cold i can never feel
freeze my tears
from within

i have war in my guts
and hurricanes in my chest
a world of cause and effect
punching holes in my lungs

i gasp for air
sobbing uncontrollably
like a motherless child

in my hands i hold
the weight of your shadow
and the pain in my soul

the littlest pieces
that keeps me moving.

no heroes

there are hints
of a broken world
inscribed in the raptures of a dim sky
as a cowering body exhales a flood of
- cornered and losing control

i am a collective of shattered souls
that have lost their way home

there are distortions on the surface
and complete disarray beneath;
we have no such thing as beautiful sorrow
in the coarse textures of my world

i try to balance on my mind
and its calamities
but i am drunk on a numbing affliction
excruciatingly dry
on the length of my thoughts

and i am free-falling
through a self-exhumed abyss

i can hear them -

calling me back
to a familiar place
where all is black
and soundless

muted screams
clawing at my eyes

natural disasters ii

and again;
sitting with time ticking my nerves.

my fists clench and
to the steady pace
ticking me down to
the urge to lash
like the every vigorous brush of wind
that empowers my lungs
and freezes my emotions.

take me and teach me to be
as violent as the moodswings of a sky
where no gods linger.

and again;
i am surrounded by four walls and background.

i try to blend into the tiles
into the couches
into the loose hem of the curtains
so i could be equally objective
and utterly expressionless
but living
is never as easy as being

take me and teach me to be
so everything hurts less
when i am thrown about by fate.

there are cockroaches that slither after me
through the course of my days
but as much as i run from what i fear
i can never run from the knots of my mind
where i am caught - alone and flickering out.

i am as destructive
as natural disasters
where the icebergs of my thoughts
crumble and expand
until they are all above surface
unable to escape the scorch
of a sky when it rages red.

take me and teach me to be
so the skies above will never
melt my conscience and thaw my emotions
until they disintegrate with the changing seasons.


the shadows freeze
like the life in my chest
and my shoulder is sore from
the stretched positions i have
forced on myself
trying to stay asleep

i see a blank canvas
dripping red
staining the tiles and darkening my soul.

there are plenty given chances of survival
if you believe in karma
so die now
and live on
reincarnated into this pit of
terrifying realities

but first learn to live with yourself
because suicide is something you cannot top
and who can prove an afterlife to be

there are times when my feet
are up in the air
and i try to balance on three fingers
counting down to the moment
when my bones will crack
and shatter
under the weight of my thoughts


I have written many lists
of names and places
and dates and also
lists of emotions I should feel.

I have tampered with time
and course of events that would've
conjured my happiness
so now I digest the fine division
between pain and loss.

There are familiar tunes that
wake me up to a world
where I still have to go on
though all else had turned to grey.

Sometimes I write similar lists
over and over and over and over and -
not realizing the repetition
of never being able to say
"I have gotten over this."

I have written many lists
some are crossed out
and some are thrown away
whilst some are still left
undone and
in a pile collecting dust and
tangles of memories.

happiness ii: severed


so long trying to hope you will feel free without me i disregarded the ways to feel free for myself



there are a million tears
choking the back of a smile
around the world
and a million reasons left unknown and unexposed
clogging the depths of my mind

yet life goes on.

setting a soul free
by destroying it
is the last thing i would do
but it was the last thing i did.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

i could let your world
evolve around me
like it was before
when our fingers touched
but what good would it come to
for you to learn to live
for yourself?

it would be easy to come running back
but the hardest thing to do
was the hardest choice i made
and letting you go for all the love i had for you
was the choice i chose to face.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

not a single star can save me
only the conscience of
a broken heart
and there are a million tears
burning the back of our smiles
but one day when you
open your eyes
to a heart you claimed to know

you will truly be as free
as i wanted you to be
and you would feel it.

little big things

There are still days
when I will stumble out of bed
to the throws of cigarette smoke
in a rush of a nightmare

But I have learned to
find solace
in myself
without having to cower in fear
over the make believes of my thoughts.

I will sit in timeless stupor
staring at non-significance
until the words in my head
blend into nothingness
until I see peace
under the debris.

And for a while
I am free.

There are times I will ache
an inexplicable pain
because I look back too often

Yet I learn that beauty comes from
what you choose to see
and I choose to see hope
behind every black hue.

And sometimes I look towards the stretch
of autumn skies
and think about
the view of the sky
from the other side
and contemplate
on how we
touch so many lives while circulating amongst six billion people on overlapping days around the world connecting and loving and hating and feeling and living and every connection will build and crumble and hurt and stain and heal and remain and they make memories that will last an eternity in the core of our minds.

And to imagine myself
in the middle of all this
there is a certain beauty of
that shatters my heart
and takes my breath away.

stark reality

the beauty has crumbled
like dead petals
on the rough of my path
memories of serenity now
washed away
with turmoil and
miscontrued desires.

i believed there was never a loss
in losing a love once
so beautiful
because with it
comes a million memories
from the tip of our fingers
to pave the ease for

i could see you
beyond the stars
a pale dejavu
of what was once -
and i learn to smile
but now i weep

as all i now see
is a storm ahead
and grey hues on the canvas of my sky.

i believed what we had
was real
but you were never
reading from the same page

and we were writing similar stories
from different chapters

what i was to you
will never be as pure
as what you were to me

what keeps me going
without you
you will never understand

because you are not.

as you mask your reality
with downturned thoughts
you drew me a confidence
that you took away
from yourself
like the stars you stole from my night

and there is now
nobody to blame
except yourself.


I once found the tilt of your smile
and cherished it
in the realms of my soul
but now i have flown
and you are far

soon enough
you will learn to find
the tilt of your smile
on your own
and cherish it as much
as i once did

because you are worth
your entire freedom


i have always had tendencies
to stare at a blank wall
and urge the patterns to form
until i am surrounding myself
in imagination

because reality sometimes
can be too bland and
too wretched
for a soul like mine to handle

i have always had tendencies
to look at life
under a stone
where the moss is plenty and
darkness is thick

because i have let too many
beautiful things

i have always had tendencies
to paint a million expressions
to cover my face

because behind the mask
is a sight not worth noticing

i have always had tendencies
to reach for the sky
and claim the clouds mine

because i am in denial
that the sky will one day
claim me

i feel my way towards
a misty light
where absolution
is non-existent
hoping that when i will
miss a step and
tumble past gravity
i will keep on falling
until i come out
on the other side of the universe
and you will be there
to give me back the balance i lost
when i was lost
on the other side


but there are never perfections
no matter how hard we try to
rewrite our mistakes
so i remind myself
that there is no harm
in braving the frontier
and walking through a wasteland
to find a way
to fix the past
and build a present

i want to give you the tattoo
on my fingers
that spell S A O R
- Irish for free -
because i carved for you
a new path
and you still have
much more freedom
than me
and you deserve the medal
inscripted on my skin

i am still caught in between lines
and stuffed into boxes with no openings
trying to figure
if honesty is really worth
tasting so fucking bitter on the tip of my tongue

i wasted a great deal of
when i let go of something
i planned a world for
and for a second it feels like
i died in the moment
because i let go of something
i was living for

but there is never a permanence
and i am still here
in the inbetween
reminding myself
that i let go of one world
to latch onto another

i want to give you the smile
you gave me
and remind myself
that love is not always meant to last
but i can still find it beautiful

it is not always perfect
because it is when everything
falls apart
when you find that missing piece
you've been looking for
beneath the broken concrete.

passing through

There is freshness on my skin
spreading from a burial,
from the core of my mind,
of what was once beautiful,
so beautiful,
washed away with the pain I have built
for the souls in love.

Light and heady,
nothing is clear,
except the words spoken
and emotions sheared.

It is about time I put aside my depression
and believe it is all for the better.

Sometimes I will look back
and shed a tear
because of the missing pieces,
but mostly, I will smile
and remember how it was once
a feeling indescribable
when i whispered kisses
and opened my heart
to somebody deserving
of much more.

I will smile at the chances
to have created perfection,
and look forward to the skies,
eager for new flaws to fix,
for new life.

the calm before

the moon is hiding his face
from the shame of the night
like my words cannot seem to
stretch from my throat
like a slingshot
in the hands of a soul
without direction.

i stare at the sky
as empty as the pulp of
my mind
and i wonder if there were ever such things
like the Northern Lights
or the cry of a heartbreak

if there were ever miracles
in the horizons of my life

the moon hides his grace
from the cold of my whispers
like the way i
hide from the sun
and its stark reality.

alone with the evening

i counted the many breaths it takes
before a confession
and the heat that burns
the tip of your thoughts
with every attempt
to numb dissatisfaction.

i slide through every fall
of the sun seeping towards the horizon
stealing the sleep i am deprived of
and consider the impact of
every storey
is it worse with emotions
or without?

i force forward aimlessly
filling gaps that never fill
and count the breaths it takes
to feel alive.

still counting.

the many breaths it takes
before your heart
stops trying
and gives way to illusion.


i place my features on the walls
and leave my face on the pillowcase
just to see if i can
disguise into another skin and
still feel real.

i talk to my sheets like
they are my lover
constantly curling into a shell
with nothing inside to fill
for comfort.

i have become good at
being somebody else
other than me
until i no longer recognize
the eyes i stare into
when i paint my reflections for
the world to see.

i still exist -

i am the turmoil
within a glass of
swirling fire and
quenched emotions
on a misty night of

with a buzz in my ears, i fall

i train myself to decipher
where the stars divide
on the black core of the night,
to piece together the fallen ends
of a clouded sky.

i see myself in a faded mirror
spotted and corrupt,
and try to decipher where the emotions
divide in the black core
of me.

i am standing on the edge of
the sea of my thoughts
and imagine the world is flat;
will i ever find the absolution of my life?

there are shadows on the wall
and i pretend i am them, ready
to shift or entirely
when the earth shifts
and the hues of the day morph.

i listen to painfully beautiful songs
and i pretend i am the one
they are singing for
even though i am a speck of dust
on the face of the world.

and you can see it in my eyes
like familiarity,
the sight of a soul
calling for the night,
calling for the dead,
because living is starting to feel foreign -

a vast abyss i cannot stand
falling in for eternity.

there is a taste in my mouth
that i cannot form into words
so i swallow
and i swallow
and i swallow

until i can no longer taste
until it becomes a part of me.


i hugged a stranger
during a street carnival
because a man with eyes like the moon
told me it was destiny
he gave me a pebble of hope
which i stuck down my throat
and prayed for it to at least
taste good
because destiny so far has only
ruined it for me

my body aches from
hours and
days and hoursminutesdayshoursminutesdays of
secret whiskey
and pounding music
to numb it all
to numb it all
and i will pretend i hate it all
when i wake up
when really
i hate being at a point when
life pivots back to planning my next stumble

i will pretend i hate long nights forgetting who i am
and wonder how the cigarette burn on my wrist got there

i am aching from
clenched muscles, curled in and
shuddering in my sleep
i am exploding

i am clawing away from the hurricane that drove through
the middle of my chest
and i pray to an empty sky
like there is somebody there
to save me


broken glass
tainted window
shaken fingers
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul

morbid minds
morbid minds
drunken heart
drunken heart

i let myself
fly away
i let myself
fall away
i let myself
die away
i let myself
fall away

crimson lips
blackened eyes
white cold shivers
white cold shivers
a heaven like hell
a heaven like hell

broken glass
tainted window
shaken soul
morbid minds

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

freedom is immune
freedom is shut
freedom is dead


I hate it when
my soul grow ten times too large
and wrap around my senses
I feel tight around my skin
and throw up a million emotions
from the core of my heart
like I have placed them in all the wrong places

There are two stars
shining bright in my eyes
yet there is always one
that will burn me to the dull
because I am stuck in a permanence

I hate it when
I control a million things
yet I cannot master
the direction
of my beating pulses

I try to hold onto mesmerizing
yet I hate the way
I boil down to the bones
pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

I am sorry
for ruining
the sky
and drawing in lightning.


days when my legs twist inwards
and i ache from the inside
and ache from the rib
pangs of punctured emotions
like when i am missing
the strength you build
from my feet

i feel ragged
and choose to curl in
because the grey skies
scare me
i miss the light
that rests on your shoulders
when you are near

i confiscate my million negativities
in hopes of chasing a new sunrise
on my own
and learn to touch the stars
naming my favourite ones after you
you you you
are my favourite star

but there are days
when my legs twist inwards
and i ache from the inside
because i miss the way
your legs get tangled between mine
and your hair will tickle my nose
and get caught between my lips
and i will turn my face to yours
and tell you
we belong together


i hear a whisper
of hope,
soaring through the skewered
tunes of a sky
slowing to sleep.

my heart stops
every once in a while
when i think of you
and fear a million things
that could falter;
fade like the blue of the sky
when storms approach.

the rain pours.
i drown.

yet you find in me
a precious world
i have not learned to see
and you remind me i am
the light that fills
your night
as you are the dreams
that fill my sleep.

you show me
with every melody in the air,
tender and serene,
that i am,
despite the flaws that ache me,
whole and
all beautiful.

when my hands will find their way
home to yours
we will be
and colossal.

alone with the sky

i am shivering and
trying to avoid the clams under my rib
with every gush of southern wind
as i stretch through the horizons
of a sleeping sky
in search of a calm i cannot feel

i want to stand under a place where
the skies will split
to day and night
because i want to know how it feels
to live in two worlds
and do well, i suppose,
as i am already familiar with
staying awake when half of me is
numb and asleep

i wish for days like these
to never end
when all that haunts me
are the forces around
not thoughts nor memories
but if my present lasts forever
how will i look forward to
finding you
for the future?


through a veil of dreams
i walk towards the clouds
that spell your name
and whisper your love in the
cold of the wind
an ethereal warmth
like the touch of your skin.

there are days when i panic
from the loss of your smell
but the thought of you burns strength
in the core of my mind
you teach me a million ways
to let go of pain
and i know no matter how far i stray
i will hurt for a while
but carry you in me
in blissful permanence
because you are my



i miss the way you bite in your sleep

i miss the way you chew your food

i miss how we would bump into each other in the dark

i miss the way you twist around my body like i am the playground and you are the child

i miss the way i clutch onto the strands of your hair when i sleep on your chest like i am hanging on for dear life

i miss how your laugh is a little loose around the edges when you've had some to drink

i miss the way you kiss my fingers, each and every.

i miss how you would put on a soothing song to send me to sleep though you had to stay up working and bear the toxicating notes of the music

i miss how you always wear your shoes inside the car

i miss it when my laughs turn to hiccups every time you hide your face under anything in reach when you are embarassed

i miss the way you bite my nose

i miss the way you smell

i miss the bubble-pop sound you make with your lips when you're trying to make me giggle - never once failing

i miss the way you'd sometimes not see when i am crying but always know when something is wrong and somehow manage to wipe my tears before they fall

i miss our clumsiness and your forgetfulness, and the surprise you spring on me when you miraculously remember things about me and about us in such fine detail

i miss how you get lazy after scratching my back for a while

i miss the way you come up with little jingles and change song lyrics

i miss the way you love putting your hand under my armpit and i try to stop you

i miss how you never know what you want to eat

i miss how your lips taste like reality, and how that fact sends me reeling when we kiss

i miss the way you would lodge into stories and carry on from one to another, and how i would never, ever get bored of listening

i miss the way you will randomly jerk and shudder when your car window is down and the wind makes your hair tingle on your skin

i miss how you'd try to fit in my clothes or use them as accessories, and the laughter that pursued

i miss wearing your clothes, your boxers, your 'I Am 75% single' shirt

i miss getting annoyed at you and then feeling hopeless when you give me the puppy dog look when you are obviously clueless to what i was annoyed about

i miss forgetting why i got mad at you in the first place

i miss how you make me feel like i have no problems around me when i am with you

i miss arguing over certain contradictory points

i miss the way you'd keep apologising though it is not your fault

i miss teasing you and your attempt to sound smarter just to cover up

i miss how you'd get certain words wrong and stumble over your lines

i miss how you stop me from whining and help me fix my problems

i miss your strength and patience

i miss how you always need to double check the lock on the car

i miss your thousand facial expressions

i miss the way you sulk in the car and twist towards the window just to make me laugh

i miss tying your hair up in different styles and how you are sensitive to when i pull too hard and wince

i miss our movie plots and imaginative stories

i miss your complaints about how you'd make a better prime minister

i miss the way you'd exclaim in shock at your growing stomach

i miss you losing your keys

i miss being there when you get upset

i miss lying on top of you as we talk and listen to music and watch movies in your room

i miss Lost with you, and how i'd feel insulted when you fall asleep watching movies i show you but forget about it after a while

i miss how you'd save me cigarettes and how i'd scold you when you smoke too much

i miss your wide, face-stretching smiles and how they make me love you more

i miss how you remind me i am beautiful when i feel i am not

i miss the way you'd tickle me then panic when i return the favor to you

i miss your comfort

i miss the way i feel safe with you

i miss your breath on my neck and ear

i miss the way i'd scream when there is a cockroach and you'd immediately be there to end my fear

i miss how you are scared of heights

i miss how you'd imitate a million voices and Liyana Jasmay's smoking ad on X.FM

i miss how your skin feels softer on your back than your chest

i miss the way your hair will tickle my nose

i miss the way i'd touch the curve of your smile and you'd smile even wider

i miss the shine in your eyes

i miss your obsession with bread and Planta and strawberry jam

i miss how you'd go "Oh my god, I'm still hungry" after your meal and bury your face in my lap

i miss the way you tell me i will be a good mom because of the way i scold you

i miss us headbanging in the car together

i miss your brown three-quarter pants and how i would tell you to stop wearing it

i miss listening to your voice when you tell me you love me

i miss your love and how time stops when i am with you

i miss saying 'I miss you' knowing i would be seeing you in the next few hours

i miss you and your everything

i love you.


it is a quirk,
missing you;
like the anticipation of a timebomb
the exhaustion of a thousand nights awake
like the way i will walk down the street
thinking of you
and suddenly lose my
sense of direction.

i wander through my thoughts
searching for you
and things that remind me of
your smell
is a memory
your voice the song stuck in the record player
of my mind.

it is a quirk,
missing you;
i am tumbling down
because you are gone
rising up with pure joy
because i have found somebody
to so passionately feel this way for,

the other list

I will laugh wholeheartedly
at funny moments that pass me by
to share them with you a little later
so you can
laugh, too.

I will try not to
be a grump
or get angry too often over
the littlest things because
i don't want your comfort to seem
too far away
and i don't want to hurt.

i will learn to drive
and get a license
so one day i can
come home
and drive Sally Bum legally.

I will eat cheese croissants
in the South of France and
think of you
and roti cheese
and every word we have said and meant.

I will smoke different types of
and miss our Winston Lights
and those you'd save up for me
and miss you.

I will fall asleep with your shirt
knowing you are here
and breathe you in when i'm sad
and breathe you in when i'm happy
because the distance will never
stretch us apart

I will wake from nightmares
and try not to cry
because I need to be strong now
without you here to
wipe my tears away.

And I will never forget to go back
to the core of my heart
because there is a precious place there
where I will find
and our memories
to keep me going.


And here we are now,
stood upon far shines of
life's spectrum
calling through the wide, open-
For some familiarity
and solace in the empty spaces
as we sleep and eat and
drive and walk in the rain
and go through our days alone
but not alone.

Here we are now,
hands reaching out into the air
that separates us
and we will somehow touch our way
to each other's hearts and grow strength,
as we share the same sky
and learn to love
from the distance.

like golden dust

i have let go of thoughts that
scab and stretch like half-opened wounds
seeing in the distance much more than just
blank spaces in the slur of my mind.

once upon a time
there was a girl who held onto
memories that slayed her
like a thousand blades
crippling her shine with mounds of

i have grown to embrace
that there are still chances
to grasp a bliss that needs no dreaming for
in a reality once broken to me
like when the sight of you
can wash my every pain

because you are to me
the life i once forgot to love
when the clouds tore apart
and shook me into the hurricanes.

i have now learnt
to love myself a little more
than before

because with you
it is like when dust turns
to gold
in the silence of a sunset
and the world is breathless for just a while
as if every soul is sighing
for that second of

absolute beauty.


i can't sleep
i can't sleep
i can't sleep
i can't sleep
i can't dream
i can't dream
i can't dream
i can't sleep
i can't sleep
i can't sleep i can't tick dream i can't sleep tock sleep i can't tick dream sleep
i can't sleep
i can't dream
i can't dream
i wake up screaming




for you, my most

it is a thick, musky choke
of unspoken words
adrift in the air
as we stare into each other's worlds
and feel estranged yet
we sense our million apologies
under our skin; within every
hush apologies that fall
over things that do not really
matter, now.

we hold in little spaces
colossal dreams and a tender
you will always bring me back to
when i sink beneath surface
- the smell of your hair; your breath,
moist on my neck; my clench
on the scapes of your body

the way your voice lulls me
out of the closets of my mind.

i feel beautiful when i am
in your arms
like a snowflake you are afraid
of breaking
yet your warmth will always
melt me
into little droplets and i will
float towards the sun;
free & full of shine.

when you balance my name
so carefully on the tip of your lips
you are to me
a life so ethereal
like the horizons
on a skyline
reaching out from beneath.


You are a marvel
as we are tangled
in two
your heartbeat against my skin
our bodies
warm with emotion
like summer moist
and dragonflies

You are the strength
I once denied myself
your eyelashes tender
upon my cheek
like the butterflies
under my nerves
as you whisper
promising words
that hold life in their wake

You are a reality
born out of mirages
I couldn't reach
and you are
like the stars i would pick
out of the sky
just for you.

Farewell, childhood

I grew up in a world
filled with
separation and despair
but there was always a tint of
behind the drapes of anger

I grew up
believing false words
and misunderstood a life before
with paranoia as a parent
and confusion
a tool

Farewell, childhood
you have bid me no good
I have grown up
and flown
from your clenches of untruth

I grew up with a culture
divided and forced
I grew up with a life
drawn out and

Farewell, childhood
you beauty is now stained
I have grown up and flown
far from your grip
I will miss my good memories
stashed away with the bad
Farewell, childhood
the little I had

I grew up
with visions uncomprehended
blurred and misguided
I grew up up with
a love that fed
denial that brimmed
through the soul of the broken

I grew up unsure
with a thousand questions
I grew up untamed
frustrated with

Farewell, childhood
I have outgrown you
you have failed to teach me
but I will find my own light
Farewell, childhood
you had bid me no good
with paranoia as a parent
and confusion a tool

Farewell, childhood
I have now grown up and
I will leave you behind
my past
with everything untrue
and i will live an empty start
to fill with
an untainted future

Farewell, childhood
I have grown up
and flown.

bad habits

I am never as perfect a picture
you paint
- but I still try my best
because in your eyes
i am beautiful though my min
is torn

- still beaten,
tainted with a soul full of
fear and darkness, fear
and weakness and there are
many reasons to why i could
hate myself
and fear
and panic
because i would rather cower in my fall
than risk losing balance
when i try to be strong

I can sense how some words
taste bitter on your tongue
and hang in empty air
because nothing else fits

and I hate when I cannot
bring myself to open up
and sweeten the atmosphere

I have the tendency to
search for hidden things
I never really needed to find
but I still hunt, on
and on, because I have always had
the tendencies to hurt myself
with self inflicted torment

when i will sift through
thoughts of our past
i ache with a fury i cannot comprehend
a missing piece that will never be
even though we are now
our own world

- and that is when i get scared as hell
because I wake up
to the wrench of a nightmare

there will always be rainclouds
in the pure blue of our sky
blurred and left unwiped

a bruise in the corner of my heart
the clogs that will never release

I will only hope to still find you here
when I wake from a distant call
because that is all that matters now
despite the callouses of my mind.

fingers in the sky

There is nothing I fear
about lightning
because it is just a
passing collision of
clarity. Beautiful -

But I can fear the sun
with its everlasting shine
though its touch
is a delicate warm. The sun, she
forever above
a glare that blinds and
sometimes burns
red lines on my

I am in love with the moon
yet i am only
in love with a reflection
tainted by the
everlasting shine
as it shares the
inevitable light
the moon greedily

The new moon sometimes seem
so much better
because I don't need to feel the need
to sit and watch
and I can own the sky.

There is nothing I fear
about lighting
but the blinding light
of a forever sun
is a risk that will
always burn in my mind.


there are memories that i'd handpick
and capture for your keep
but they are the ones
that linger in between our fingers
free and full to the brim

and i will not taint
an ever glowing shine
to temporarily ease
an ever lasting pain

i am in a state of mind
that holds heavy and bold
yet hollow in the middle
and you are the only touch i need
to fill up the cracks
with a substance so fluorescent
to pull me together
when i feel i am disintegrating

there are things we lose
in a natural disaster
that will never be replaced
but where there is ruin
there will always be hope
of a day the aftermath will
blow away

and i began to believe
my light had scorched dry
but this is the part where
my hurricanesdroughtsquakesfloods
take flight
because despite of certain holes in me
that can no longer be filled -
you are now here

i am in a state of mind
that holds nothing
but i have seen my aftermath blow away
and you are the only one
who can whisper away my nightmares
and recapture my dreams

black shapes

it is always a curse i have faced
when i create something beautiful
from the seam of memories
and meet with a tangle of tight
immovable knots that clog and

it began when i left myself out to dry
because i admired the sun
until i charred into ashes and
disappeared into the wind.

he is the sky to which i turn up to
seeking a newfound solace and
tiny places where i can mend the cracks
inside my body
because he is teaching me to not fear
and i feign an everlasting beauty
that never darkens over time
because i don't want him to ever be
the reason to which i cry.

my expectations have always been
and strayed.

i have always been good at controlling my emotions
and feeling the greener grass beneath my feet
never sensing the effect of anything taking a stab at my heart
- i was my strongest shield.

but one day the world tore apart
and burnt me numb until i was as broken to the core
as the world around me in its aftermath.

i have tried time after time after
the longest time
to regain what i've lost
all my strength all my ground all my -
but it is pure, blatant truth
that after all my angsty urges to
be free
i am still a girl who fears to sleep without cover.

it is time they should know
how every little thing that goes wrong
will send me
spiralling into the dark and
screaming for an outlet
and i will feel myself ticking like explosion
as i unravel into insanity
and turning inside out
like i always do
when i feel my heart
excreting a dark, dirty emotion i try so hard to forget
but always find a way to conjure it up
all by myself
like fucking suicide.


cold. ugly. familiar.


lava coursing through my veins
like fiery avalanche
i am splitting apart
from the inside out
you can see it by the way my fingers clench
and tremble every time i close my eyes
i rage mountains
sea of torment in the full of my mind
where dreams once painted
a longingly blue sky
you are so desperately trying to
hold between your fingers
because you are determined to keep me shining.

it is times like these
when i try to breathe you in
but i am getting in all the wrong signals
when i scatter into frantic
helpless pieces
and i feel unworthy of attachment
to every morsel
of a world that detaches from every morsel
of me.

i feel violent inside
a suicidal tendency tickles beneath my skin
as i reach towards the dark
when the light begins to
hurt my eyes.

i blame myself over & over
as wish for the pain to bury under
like secrets that will soon be forgotten
in the mind of the world.

he dreams my dreams

it is a memory living within me
with permanence
the dangling smell of white, musky passion
clinging to the curve of his neck
the sharp of his collarbone beneath my cheeks
as i drift
into a sky of peace that reside
deep in his eyes
i venture into his soul
and find mine
complete and alive with
a thousand dreams that communicate to
the fall of his eyelashes as he
sleeps. a sound of a thousand angels
soaring towards the shine of summer

when i will quiver with a certain
sense of misdirection
i can breathe him in
from the air around me
knowing he is here
and though we are divided
through skylines of a thousand lives
he is always there watching the moon
shining down on him
knowing it is also
shining down on me


I have never cowered
under the trails of intolerable lightnings
that failed to shake me skin tight
with every outbound shriek and
every bare flash of jagged white,
yet i have tasted the prickle of
scraping the back of my tongue
like inverse cartharsis
as i ripped inside out trying
to bury away
colliding upon every self-conjured nightmare
along the way, because this time around
the shrieks forced in -
no flashes of white to
taint the explosion
with beauty.

the days begin to blend
a blur of memories
from a clutter of broken pieces
left broken,
and an equal portion
attempting to heal.
But as things turn grey and
harder around the center,
pain is no longer
until all that is left is

"i'm just fucking suffocating, you know?"

the skies used to tear apart
around the blues
to rain on me a future
vivid and bright,
but now it hurts to think,
now it hurts to write
and the skies scare the living shit out of me.

i am so tired. so resigned.

i have a strong arm to lean upon
he is a haven where my heart of injury
stays safe
but i am still facing the insecurities
of turning away from promises
shutting away my thoughts and
running away from reality
yet i try my best to show the strength
of all the love i can flourish
in the midst of the hurricane.

like when i rage wars with a mother
but fear when her breath slows to
a mute echo
as she sleeps -
I am my million contradictions
but i know i now feel.

my tears have stained dry
with pages and pages of despair
and i try
to flush away my reminiscence
black pain.

my lungs are clogging up
with words i wish i could utter
but fear the sound of them
on the weight of my lip
words i try to smother down
with kisses of hope
urgent distractions

all i want to do
is just to break
into a pile of bones
and cry. and cry. and cry.
and wish i can one day open up.

i don't know what to do. i love you. i don't know what i am doing.
i still hurt. i don't know who i am and
can't remember who i was.
i am weak.




cold space, tight like knives.

scrape. grip. scrape. clench
losing grip.

and it stretches into my soul
- rip.


slither, slither
(into me and) stretch. rip.

black stare; blank like death.
freeze. shudder. squeeze. mutter
-incoherent words
they freeze down my throat
like an avalanche.



my mind collapses.
i am not free.


i wonder if you find the missing piece
like i do
in the urgency of our kisses
and wonder if you notice my
when i hold onto your arm
like a twig in a gush of
flood and i shift closer to you
when you are asleep
because i don't ever want
to find your skin
i still face nightmares
of you
walking away
though you caress
the plains of my body with a
heartbreaking glance
and your
beautiful smile
and it is the most complete i feel
when i whisper to you
that you are the colors
of the rainbow
that fell from the sky
and into my dreams.
and you look into my eyes
and whisper back
that i am your rainbow.

a little later

tripping over buried jewel under my balance, i am still unknowing of how it took so long to find his shine in the grit of dirt beneath my pain-stained world and learn as he teaches to find hope flicker behind every comforting whisper and a healing heart.

but with every freeway
comes a tunnel
and i feel like i am once again plunging into the midst of a heavy dark where the light might misplace me as i speed through the clots of my miserably blunt thoughts, murky and rusted, without an end to show me out.
i tend to forget
about the vents above
to climb into and escape

it is the worst to feel this way when i have nobody to blame
but myself
and i feel guilty for trying to find outlets because i am too afraid to admit to my demons and i try to understand why i have ended up this way but i cannot see through the regular black spots that tint my eyesight of a once colorful world.
and i wish i never forget the taste of freedom,
and i wish i never learnt the taste of freedom,
and how challenging it becomes,
yet how thrilling to fight for.

i held his hand when i was my freest,
without ever feeling
as alive as i did again,
when i put aside my insecurities
to haunt me a little later.

but when 'a little later' is
a little too late
and visits when your guard is at the lowest,
i wonder if throwing away the weight just for a while to attempt to fly was really worth it to be strong, as i head towards the skies without any security left in me to pull me back towards the ground.

i want to feel free when i am
with you
but i have to face my own ghosts and
live my own cages.


i continue to pick on the skin beside my bitten down fingernails when i have nothing to do and no cigarettes to smoke, and my eyes will zone out as i picture a series of cold, unpleasant imaginations.
some call it a bad habit
but i call it clockwork
ticking like a timebomb until the next explosion of thoughts that can almost (kill) suffocate me; it is an automatic structure of the way my body works and some may give it an alienating medical term but i'd rather just stick with "stress" to make myself feel a little bit better about myself.

there are still days when i am in need of
letting my soul fly
free - so i listen to music like Sigur Ros, A Perfect Circle and Deftones and capture lyrics like "you're into depression because it matches your eyes" and "overwhelming hostility"
so i try to steer away from the words and listen to how these bands have so much emotions they can teach me how to feel again when i crumble down from another session of "i need to run. i need to run. i need to -"

i wish i can fly

i wish i can feel the skin on my bones deteriorate with the wind as i disappear from a place at a time because i want to be somewhere else; under a rock or inside a box
or in your arms with my face buried in the curve of your neck
and tangles of your hair

and i will worry about my weight crushing your heart as i lie above your chest counting your heartbeat and i worry i will lose you
then the clockwork begins a ticking and i will try to runaway so you won't face my disasters but i can never runaway from you because you keep me safe and allow me to curl inwards as you try to communicate when i just want to

i have decided to keep my hair long
but every so often
i will snip at the side of my hair that measures unproportionately short and keep it the same length as it was last week, and the week before, and the week before because it makes me feel like i am
still the same person

(as who?)

i refuse to take medication and that is why i give away my cough medicine and leave pills and tablets sealed and untouched on my table and threw away every single anti-depressants i was given because i shake my head and prefer the insomnia when they decide on a medicated slumber.

i do not want to dream in colours
if it is not my choice

this is a hollow and dark pit i return to every so often when i sit alone
and have no cigarettes to smoke and want to distract away my fingernails and i will pluck thoughts from the clockwork of my mind to release the tension

then i will look up
and think of you
and how i have the courage to laugh and dare to love because i believe you are worth the try and i get tingles under my skin when our fingers fit together; when you cover my mouth as i yawn and then kiss my back and have a secret smile on the tilt of your lips that only i can notice
and that makes me feel special.
and i want to disappear, again
but i want to disappear with you
because you remind me how to feel
like a favourite Sigur Ros song
when i begin to go numb
and sink into my bad habits once more


i try not to stumble
and i try not to pick on
broken glass
again. i have learnt to
wash away my reflections
and create new ones
from the shine of your eyes
and you are the flicker
of hope
of my own Pandora's box.
though i ache
a blunt, cankered ache
i am relieved and
embrace the feel of sunlight
upon my fingertips
because you are the one
who steers away my storms
and never bring me rain.

it no longer matters
where i will find myself
when i wake up
in a foreign morning
far from you
because i know i will
find my way back home
to you
and find my place of reason
in the steadiness
of your heartbeat.


i let my fingers
trace your bones
under your skin
and you shiver
just a little bit
as i paint a skeletal map
of your body
in my mind
for permanence

dreaming with a certainty
that we will be the same
in ten years time
our limbs tangled together
in a curl of intimacy

my fingers get caught
in the strands of your hair
and i laugh as your eyelashes
graze the soft of my face

and you see the pain
of my overflowing mind
in the smudge of a tear
as you stare into me and
ask me
not to leave you behind
when my thoughts take me
far away

and i will go
far away
when my mind wanders
and brings me to my hidden places

but you will always be
my home

and i will always come back
to you
and never leave you behind
as long as you are there
to bring me back
to the depth of your heart

cigarette kisses

a smile i kiss
in the stir of the night
as we stare into our
familiar eyes
and i fly into yours
as you explore mine
learning to read my thoughts

your heartbeat is my poetry
and brings you
closer to me
reminding me that i am
not dreaming
when we lie together
without uttering the words that are
floating in the silence
around us

magic is in
every breath we slip
into each other's lips
as our souls intertwine
and you and me
become a part of
me and you

present ends

there was once a boy
who tore me apart
when i learned to love him
and blinded me from the sun
like an eclipse

and i will think of him
when old unwanted memories
at a time or place specific
like a stab of a knife
pain in your guts
and i wonder on the reasons why
i threw away my life
on a soul unworthy of me.

he was a boy
who opened my eyes to pain
and depression of a black hole
cold and hollow

yet i will think of him now
and feel good because he is gone
and i have somebody in my life
whose beautiful soul can
whisper into my heart
and heal every wound i built
teaching me how to relive the minutes
i have lost with pain.

and i now find
the courage to smile because
he keeps me together
as i learn to love him
and turn me towards the sun
when there is rain in my mind.


i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left you
waiting for me to learn to love
as i rummaged through blind nights
trying to find my way back
to a heart stashed
cold and unbeating.

i saw the brightest shine
as the skies lit up
the day i learnt to let you in
when you knocked at the entrance
of a sore, unnerved heart
whispering of a secret emotion
i always had
buried under the layers of my
insecurity and self-mutilation

and every time you pull me
back to your side
when you notice my mind
is a million stars away
i embrace the beating beneath
my chest
because the smile on your lips
is magic.

i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left us
but i will try my greatest
to create a breath of
fresh air
every new day the sun shines for us
as we stand together

when fingers touch


you are beautiful
because you tell me i am everything
when i feel like i am
not enough.

i have gone rusty with
poems i write smiling
and feel new to poetry
of a heart that has truly
found its place
in the hand of another.

"you are beautiful"
you whisper as you teach me
how to listen to the million other words
buried beneath
and i realize there is no harm
in loving myself
because to love myself
is loving you.


the way we write poems to each other in the same dark room and joke about the littlest things the way you imitate movie characters the way we sing our favourite songs and can't stand tickles the way we blend into the background of our minds because we are our own lives and moan about our days but love them anyway the way we can sit at food stalls for hours and know when to leave because our eyes speak words that need no sound the way you lift me up in your world and help me learn to fly and embrace my flaws and protect my fears the way you forget yourself and i remind you because we are each other's importances the way your legs fold nicely between mine your hair in my face my lips on your neck your kiss on my back my finger on your eyelashes the way i leave my smell on your pillow and yours on my skin the way the world can crumble and we still smile the way i get scared and you make me brave because you remind me i am whole the way our body heat create electric


i have had countless dreams of a figure
at the blur of a distance
as i stumbled and raged wars
with pain and distorted reflections

a figure who never strayed
and watched as i pulled away from the world
convincing myself to accept loneliness
though you were a figure
that was never, ever
too far to reach

until the day our fingers touched
and you whispered a way
to stop our hearts from beating
and pulled me back into a world
i had made disappear
and opened my eyes
to a dream that had always held true
because i'd spent too long battling my wars
blind to your hand reaching
for mine
to teach me what strength was


the way you cringe in embarassment when you stumble on words and watch videos of your college years the way you can tell when i can't sleep and massage my ear and scratch my back and kiss my cheek neck nose lips until i do and i wake you up because you are sleeptalking the way we share cigarettes and food and i wear your shirt and shorts and feel like i am you the way we can talk about nothing and everything and feel at ease the movie marathons roadtrips music life the way we know each other inside out the way you are always going to be my best friend the way our breath synchronizes their pace as we lie tangled in sheets the way my head rests close to your heartbeat and i feel at peace the way my dad can see the smile in our eyes when we are together the way we touch the way we hold hands and dream and laugh and love



and a million words cannot describe
the immaculate feeling of being
you and me
after all the
pain and
timeless wishing

and these words will never
show the world
just how precious your heart is
and i am scared to hold it in my hands
but brave because in your hands
is mine.



is no longer strange.


every now and then
i lean out for a puff
and i think about the boy
who threw his soul out the 27th floor of my apartment
and wonder what his last thoughts were
as his mind shattered
into a million broken bones

and the wind will sigh in demise
as if to decipher the meaning
of all the pain in the world

my ashes float in frantic attempt to seek
and my feet are rooted firm
to the chair i stand upon to remind
that i am luckier to find balance
where there is beauty
and i reach out
to the boy and tell him it is not too late
when i say i understand

every now and then
i lean out for a gasp of air
and i think about the girl who
sprawled across her bedroom floor
with blood on her wrists as her mother walks in
and remember what her last thoughts were
as she drifted towards death
and thank life for giving her
the second chance of pulling her back in

and i will meet the girl
every now and then
when i stare into the mirror
and dislike the way my eyes
have lost their shine
but i am able to
reach in and
tell her it is never too late
to live again

to beauty

i am a horrible person

i occupy myself with my own pain because i do not like feeling yours i do not like the way you cry and pretend you are fine so i turn away and pretend things are fine but i can see it when you hurt and you don't know this because i snap at you and pretend i hate you when you guilt trip me and put the blame on me and i treat you bad because i want you to forget feeling hurt for somebody like me and i want you to move on though i am stagnant and will never move on because i want you to forget me i know you hurt and it hurts me too and i just want this to end and i want you to


i am cruel
i am cold

i take your words and stash them away because i try not to feel and i want to stay cold because when i freeze and i break the impact is quick and much less painful and i want things to be filled with much less hurt because you deserve more than this and you deserve more than


i am dark
i am empty

i repeat lines from songs that sing about death and dark and i want to be rid of myself and i blank you out from my mind because that way i can sleep easier and feel less guilt every time i think up ways to die and imagine how you hurt when we fight or when i forget to eat sleep live i try to stay strong for you but you are stronger than me and i try to ignore this fact so you can embrace it and love


when you wake up one day and realize how ugly i have been

alone by the window

i lean out my window
light a cigarette, listening to the faint sounds
of the neighbours arguing
a gush of air
and the clouds move at an uncanny pace
i watch a stranger walk by
five floors down
and the world is illuminated
with a blur of sounds

i fill my lungs with disease
and exhale nothing
then all is still

deep inside there is a place where
everything is captive and buried
i try to release but i have forgotten
the skill
and all is still.

the clouds have died
the world is silent
the sky is silent
i am silent.

it all feels

art of pain

it is a reflection of days weeks months years of locking everything away and pretending i have never tried to die and pretending i am happy and trying to forget how it is to hurt but i still hurt and forget and i hurt and forget to love myself and love my world because in my eyes i am torn and shattered and i smoke when i wake up and smoke before i sleep blame the sun for my red eyes and swollen heartaches and the bruise in my chest because i cry when i write and i write when i cry and it hurts to speak and it hurts to stay silent but i do it best when i curl in and block out the world and hold on to a million memories that made me laugh and a million others that make me shiver and clench my fists when i dream and think in anger in frustration in disbelief of myself and the things i have done and things i do and i try to embrace life without embracing death but i cannot forget the beauty of letting go when i lay on the floor and held on to nothing except the whispers that told me things were over so i try to smother myself with chores and routines and words that mean nothing because i want to feel nothing and i forget how to feel but i feel empty anyway because i learnt that the math of the negative always empowers the positive so when i fall to zero i fall lower into pain and i try to smile because i am learning to be happy but i cannot face everybody because i do not want to infect do not want them to see how i hurt and i want the laughter the smiles the joy to return because i have always been better at dealing with my own pain and my own flaws and my own


i sleep it away for a few hours and wake up in a place where nothing is bliss because my mind is tortured and my body is exhausted i am exhausted in attempt to stay neutral and pretend i do not see it when they cry and pretend i don't know they hurt so i can feel like everything is alright because i want to be free but i cannot feel free and i try to let go of things that matter but things that matter is what keeps me going and i want to give up so they can forget me but i want to stay or else they will forget me and i am selfish and i am a terrible person because i have lost the ability to use my heart and love i want to love i want to feel good i want to feel real and significant but i am not i am nothing but a cold broken sore mass of emptiness and i want to let it all go but can i let myself go?


I am drowning into myself.


there was a time when i scraped out my heart
and placed it on a platter
learning through pain
to serve it cold for someone undeserving

it broke me into a million empty shards of
dead and unreflective glass

there was also a time i realized
i am the underserving one
staring at a heart served warm
and coiling backwards
incapable of holding its beat

the feeling of gut-sucking guilt
hurts like a million knives cutting into my eyelids
making shapes on the thin of my eyes

- so hate me

i ache and i
cringe with an overflowing surge of
frustration and self-hate and mortifying pain
it is as if i am the only one
who can see how fucking crucially ugly it is
to be me

i do not want any
of the beautifuletherealbreathtaking feelings
called happiness, love, hope, joy
because i am inadequate
and incapable
and too selfish and too insecure and too uncontrollable
to handle the normality
of being loved
or feeling love

i did once and
i ended up
trying to disappear

because i hold a black heart and
dry skin to the core of my chest
and scream only

i am deserving of nobody
and you are deserving
of the world