happy new year

i kiss seconds
goodbye and watch days pull further
away from me
tugging like an imaginary rope
from my mind
for the gap widens but the memory stains deeper with
each expansion
and everything about the way i feel
despite a new year

i am a new slap in the face
an ugly reminder of what i am now
and why
because during a time when everybody
gleefully bounce on
i continue crashing deadends because
i was once so certain
there was a way through.

i disowned the ability
to reverse and start over

a new year
an old wound


i imagine kissing other boys
knowing the taste won't be the same
they are only imaginations.

i bite my tongue until it hurts too much
to speak
and i keep my thoughts inside of me
knowing that's the best solution

my thoughts will give the world a migraine.
i try to sleep but
i can't
so i drink and
consume and pull myself
up to a different high
until i am numb to

and allow dreams that have
long died
to plague my mind

like cancer

the hair on my skin
prickling like warning
but i do not feel cold
it is like my body no longer finds the
need to send signals
to my mind
it is like swallowing back explosives
until i grow expressionless
and i am deteriorating and
crumbling inwards
like cancer.

my energy draining but
i don't feel tired
i hold onto solid, heavy things to stop my
fingers twitching;
i shut myself up until
the weight on me is physically painful
eating me up.

when i hurt so badly it
tears me down
at least i can remind myself
i have emotions
despite it all.


i have deceived myself
a million times in
believing i can swallow back
the cutthroat memories
of you

i bluntly decline when they ask me to
retell my story with you
our story,
that merely betrays my words
and playback like a faulty cassette player
that skips to parts that
break me most.

behind the scenes footages
flashing moments of me
cowering in a pile of my own
clutching the phone with
your last message stabbing my gut

i realize i am seizing up in miniscule fits
in the exact same position

it is cruel how one thought
trails to another
and in the blink of an eye
i physically strip and
tear from your
filthy ways of

the bitter taste of iron in my
mouth when i
threw up blood and
poured out pain through
my eyes
for you.

i bluntly decline retelling
stories of you
while they constantly ruin
me from within

never stops.

i am a mutated piece
of permanence
violated and signed more than once
by you.

it's not going away
it's not fucking going away.

the time you walked away and i pathetically lowered myself to fit under your scale the nights i tore myself open and bled dry your

voice your
your ruthless appetite
to taste me when i was
at my weakest
your laugh the

ugly sarcasm you named love and
filled me with
until i exploded

it's not fucking going away.

it doesn't end there

your words hit me like a
one-sided collision
those kind that creates the friction
of me stumbling backwards and
hiding behind doors

they settle slowly in ways that
does not hurt but

.it is the aftermath of
numbing to pain that
crushes and hurts like a bitch.

I don't see a reason for hurting myself
when you have so pleasantly offered to
do the job.

you could get a promotion
- you're that fucking good.


I have learnt the art
of blending within the sheets of
my slightly slanted bed
and not waking up without
ever sleeping
slanted because i like sleeping against the
left wall for fear of falling.

i have captured the ability to minimize
abilities and i have not written a personal
poem in weeks

i have not written in weeks.

i shut down because it is safer
crushing myself lower to a point
than trying to climbclimb
climb and never make it

i get sick of my words
because they tell me the same stories
in different verses
in a different rhyme

but they still make me close my eyes
and see things i despise.

I have found a way to
pull myself away from this
but it would take away my honesty
and disguise me with fake smiles
and unrealistic


you know you have
turned inside out when
you start to listen to silence
as a favourite routine, a daily tune
and you hate those voices of comfort.

leave me.
leave me alone.

sometimes if you listen hard enough
you might just hear another
star explode
and fall

this is how we get fallen stars beside us
and blackholes in the sky.

there are certain sounds that
scare me
like the creak of a door
or the distant horn of a truck
and memories
memories of his heart beating
like a lullaby beside me.

so i reside myself to
loud crashed of thunder and constant
whirrings of a fan
just so i might be able
to wrench all those memories
away from my

because i am sick of my screams
when i awake from
a favourite nightmare.