alone with the evening

i counted the many breaths it takes
before a confession
and the heat that burns
the tip of your thoughts
with every attempt
to numb dissatisfaction.

i slide through every fall
of the sun seeping towards the horizon
stealing the sleep i am deprived of
and consider the impact of
every storey
is it worse with emotions
or without?

i force forward aimlessly
filling gaps that never fill
and count the breaths it takes
to feel alive.

still counting.

the many breaths it takes
before your heart
stops trying
and gives way to illusion.


i place my features on the walls
and leave my face on the pillowcase
just to see if i can
disguise into another skin and
still feel real.

i talk to my sheets like
they are my lover
constantly curling into a shell
with nothing inside to fill
for comfort.

i have become good at
being somebody else
other than me
until i no longer recognize
the eyes i stare into
when i paint my reflections for
the world to see.

i still exist -

i am the turmoil
within a glass of
swirling fire and
quenched emotions
on a misty night of

with a buzz in my ears, i fall

i train myself to decipher
where the stars divide
on the black core of the night,
to piece together the fallen ends
of a clouded sky.

i see myself in a faded mirror
spotted and corrupt,
and try to decipher where the emotions
divide in the black core
of me.

i am standing on the edge of
the sea of my thoughts
and imagine the world is flat;
will i ever find the absolution of my life?

there are shadows on the wall
and i pretend i am them, ready
to shift or entirely
when the earth shifts
and the hues of the day morph.

i listen to painfully beautiful songs
and i pretend i am the one
they are singing for
even though i am a speck of dust
on the face of the world.

and you can see it in my eyes
like familiarity,
the sight of a soul
calling for the night,
calling for the dead,
because living is starting to feel foreign -

a vast abyss i cannot stand
falling in for eternity.

there is a taste in my mouth
that i cannot form into words
so i swallow
and i swallow
and i swallow

until i can no longer taste
until it becomes a part of me.


i hugged a stranger
during a street carnival
because a man with eyes like the moon
told me it was destiny
he gave me a pebble of hope
which i stuck down my throat
and prayed for it to at least
taste good
because destiny so far has only
ruined it for me

my body aches from
hours and
days and hoursminutesdayshoursminutesdays of
secret whiskey
and pounding music
to numb it all
to numb it all
and i will pretend i hate it all
when i wake up
when really
i hate being at a point when
life pivots back to planning my next stumble

i will pretend i hate long nights forgetting who i am
and wonder how the cigarette burn on my wrist got there

i am aching from
clenched muscles, curled in and
shuddering in my sleep
i am exploding

i am clawing away from the hurricane that drove through
the middle of my chest
and i pray to an empty sky
like there is somebody there
to save me


broken glass
tainted window
shaken fingers
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul

morbid minds
morbid minds
drunken heart
drunken heart

i let myself
fly away
i let myself
fall away
i let myself
die away
i let myself
fall away

crimson lips
blackened eyes
white cold shivers
white cold shivers
a heaven like hell
a heaven like hell

broken glass
tainted window
shaken soul
morbid minds

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

freedom is immune
freedom is shut
freedom is dead


I hate it when
my soul grow ten times too large
and wrap around my senses
I feel tight around my skin
and throw up a million emotions
from the core of my heart
like I have placed them in all the wrong places

There are two stars
shining bright in my eyes
yet there is always one
that will burn me to the dull
because I am stuck in a permanence

I hate it when
I control a million things
yet I cannot master
the direction
of my beating pulses

I try to hold onto mesmerizing
yet I hate the way
I boil down to the bones
pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

I am sorry
for ruining
the sky
and drawing in lightning.


days when my legs twist inwards
and i ache from the inside
and ache from the rib
pangs of punctured emotions
like when i am missing
the strength you build
from my feet

i feel ragged
and choose to curl in
because the grey skies
scare me
i miss the light
that rests on your shoulders
when you are near

i confiscate my million negativities
in hopes of chasing a new sunrise
on my own
and learn to touch the stars
naming my favourite ones after you
you you you
are my favourite star

but there are days
when my legs twist inwards
and i ache from the inside
because i miss the way
your legs get tangled between mine
and your hair will tickle my nose
and get caught between my lips
and i will turn my face to yours
and tell you
we belong together