it is not easy to fake a smile
like before,
and everyone can see this now.

i ask for isolation, but
i hate it.

it is like the darkness in the middle of a street
when you can't see anything
but around you is

i forget reasons to make myself
believe it is easy
to forgive the things i have done.

i accept that life went wrong.

and just like every candle flame,
it will burn out and run dry
sooner or later.

un coeur a paris

it is strange when that song plays again,
when i'm there again, in the place i escaped to for a
badly needed solitude away from him.
strange how it brings back reminiscents of me
trying to remember how i was like
before him,
so i didn't have to cope with how i was like
after him,
the one who slips continuously in and out of
reminiscents of what happened when i was
with him.

some people say listening to heartbreak songs
make you cry,

but i don't find the need to cry over
a heart already broken
for i've cried enough over
a heart breaking
and the songs only remind me of how much
time i wasted
trying to mend myself -

i was never good at stitching.

when you have no other choice but
to step into an unwanted time warp
all you've got to do is hold on to the
remembering, unlike back then,
that you always have another place
to fall back into
if things get horrid.


my emotions are unreal
you never see me cry with a cigarette in hand
i always have a cigarette in hand.
controlled desire
controlled pain.

it is an agony that hits me like
nicotine rush.

many things meet my eye
from within me like catharsis
i am afraid of many things

the strong face i master is an ugly disguise
and afraid of many things

it is an agony that pulls me -
wakes me from the false visage
of life people dream about.

my dreams are the only reminders
that i am still human enough

but my emotions are unreal.

midnight, again

the world evolves around
of seconds where we don't know
what we're looking for.

the steady eyes, they falter me.

i feel bare
like a single star exposed
on the expansion of a neverendingsky.

this is the passing of time
that determines my distraught
state of mind.keep me calm. keep mecalm. keep me. keepcalm.

i fall in
i crawl back to my self contructed
walls. fucking walls.
i feel blind i feel empty
walls that leave me with nothing to hold onto.

i do not want to live this but i do not want to leave this.

valentine thoughts

i feel safe and i can breath
for i don't have to pretend my head
is not pounding
for it is another moment
when i peek at the clock
and realize i was feeling special
this exact moment -
365 days ago

and the specific playbacks
flash inside me like
horror flicks.

now things are just empty and i feel safe
because i don't have to spend this year's today
trying to put effort in making someone feel special
when i am not special enough to do that.

i maintain my stand-still
believing this is
the best choice for me
because any other decision will hurt me
and nothing can hurt if you're emotionless.

but it is hard to be emotionless.

i look at a photo now in the place
of the one we had 365 days ago
with the sickening nostalgia
filling my head and i ask myself
if you bought her a rose
like you did me
365 days ago.

and i ask myself if
months from now you'll still be drawing hearts
on her face
without breaking the one inside her
because you know it is for you only
i ask myself if
months from now you would love her
for who she was
because you know what you did
and perhaps -
you are conscious of the girl you once broke and
left to waste

and realize how much you need to fix
to become a better person

cutting pages

The days are timeless again.

It is no longer only midnights that
hit me with a cold stab,
every second prolonged
like phlegm spit out.

I cannot stand reliving this
I cannot stand
reliving nightmares I tried to bury
with reality
but this is reality
it always was.

I fall back into the lack
of self consciousness
where I forget it is weird when a girl
usually all smiles
dashes away to break down
because breaking down isn't her thing, really.

There are those who are willing to
keep me strong and
those who keep me sane;
I wish I could allow myself to
get so weak I could lose
all my thought or sanity
so I didn't need to make sense of
the torture chamber proclaiming the place of
what I once called life.

Welcome to suicidal thoughts
and choked up tears. I cannot make life
so it is a life I have to learn
to grow immune to so it wouldn't
hurt as much when it eats me up.

I am building stronger walls again
this time 'round, it feels
a lot thicker and much more
unbreakable, strong enough
to hurl back and crush me
if I lose control of this.

They watch me, trying to keep me
safe, telling me
things will change and I hope the day
doesn't come, when I won't be able
to see them anymore,
when the walls get higher around me
and swallow me whole.


i am back to the beginning
the dark rooms and me
scraping for air.

i live in reverse
i am back to
curling up
without purpose for anything
and i ponder death again.

i am back to hating my guts
for making decisions that
broke me
trashed me
killed me.

nothing would be as it is
if i never chose to hold onto
someone who
ruined me
because i was naive enough
to believe in love.

there is a reason why i hid it all away.

i hate the taste of my tears
i hate the sound of my mind
breaking me up into miniscule
hopeless pieces.

i hated being this way
and fuck, i am back to living
like this.

the sound of engines

it kills with each smile
to realise it will
ruin a lot to
heal everything.

i can taste depression on the
tip of my ears where he last
left whispers of
reassurance that try to work
but i gulp them down like
the drop of my heart
i can feel the sallow stabs return.

he is amazing too amazing
for me and my endless
migraines and seconds when i can't
accept that he's there because
i am too busy with things that
but haunt me.

i don't want to feel this way
but what if it takes me
needing to destroy myself and
break through shards of glass
like the super woman i once thought
i was
to see the happiness
i am starting to feel
but too weak to catch

because my ribs hurt and i curl up
trying to cry
and trying to
hold back tears.


These are all my familiar moments
peeling at my skin beside and
under my nails
biting it off
the spacing out every
other minute until it feels like my
eyesight has a world of its own
listening to music but
not really responding
an intake without
leaning against the wall
i have to have walls
walls to hide in
and walls to break

the familiar moments like when
i choke back cutting thoughts
because i think about him
just when i trust that i am

familiar moments when i
prefer my own company
to others
so i don't have to pretend it is easy
to laugh