black shapes

it is always a curse i have faced
when i create something beautiful
from the seam of memories
and meet with a tangle of tight
immovable knots that clog and
blacken.

it began when i left myself out to dry
because i admired the sun
until i charred into ashes and
disappeared into the wind.

he is the sky to which i turn up to
seeking a newfound solace and
tiny places where i can mend the cracks
inside my body
because he is teaching me to not fear
and i feign an everlasting beauty
that never darkens over time
because i don't want him to ever be
the reason to which i cry.

my expectations have always been
unrealistic
and strayed.

i have always been good at controlling my emotions
and feeling the greener grass beneath my feet
never sensing the effect of anything taking a stab at my heart
- i was my strongest shield.

but one day the world tore apart
and burnt me numb until i was as broken to the core
as the world around me in its aftermath.

i have tried time after time after
the longest time
to regain what i've lost
all my strength all my ground all my -
everything
but it is pure, blatant truth
that after all my angsty urges to
be free
i am still a girl who fears to sleep without cover.

it is time they should know
how every little thing that goes wrong
will send me
spiralling into the dark and
screaming for an outlet
and i will feel myself ticking like explosion
as i unravel into insanity
and turning inside out
like i always do
when i feel my heart
excreting a dark, dirty emotion i try so hard to forget
but always find a way to conjure it up
all by myself
like fucking suicide.

hurt.

cold. ugly. familiar.