bad habits

I am never as perfect a picture
you paint
- but I still try my best
because in your eyes
i am beautiful though my min
is torn

- still beaten,
tainted with a soul full of
fear and darkness, fear
and weakness and there are
many reasons to why i could
hate myself
and fear
and panic
because i would rather cower in my fall
than risk losing balance
when i try to be strong

I can sense how some words
taste bitter on your tongue
and hang in empty air
because nothing else fits

and I hate when I cannot
bring myself to open up
and sweeten the atmosphere

I have the tendency to
search for hidden things
I never really needed to find
but I still hunt, on
and on, because I have always had
the tendencies to hurt myself
with self inflicted torment

when i will sift through
thoughts of our past
i ache with a fury i cannot comprehend
a missing piece that will never be
sought
even though we are now
our own world

- and that is when i get scared as hell
because I wake up
to the wrench of a nightmare

there will always be rainclouds
in the pure blue of our sky
blurred and left unwiped

a bruise in the corner of my heart
the clogs that will never release

I will only hope to still find you here
when I wake from a distant call
because that is all that matters now
despite the callouses of my mind.