a little later

tripping over buried jewel under my balance, i am still unknowing of how it took so long to find his shine in the grit of dirt beneath my pain-stained world and learn as he teaches to find hope flicker behind every comforting whisper and a healing heart.

but with every freeway
comes a tunnel
and i feel like i am once again plunging into the midst of a heavy dark where the light might misplace me as i speed through the clots of my miserably blunt thoughts, murky and rusted, without an end to show me out.
i tend to forget
about the vents above
to climb into and escape
upwards.

it is the worst to feel this way when i have nobody to blame
but myself
and i feel guilty for trying to find outlets because i am too afraid to admit to my demons and i try to understand why i have ended up this way but i cannot see through the regular black spots that tint my eyesight of a once colorful world.
and i wish i never forget the taste of freedom,
and i wish i never learnt the taste of freedom,
and how challenging it becomes,
yet how thrilling to fight for.

i held his hand when i was my freest,
without ever feeling
as alive as i did again,
when i put aside my insecurities
to haunt me a little later.

but when 'a little later' is
a little too late
and visits when your guard is at the lowest,
i wonder if throwing away the weight just for a while to attempt to fly was really worth it to be strong, as i head towards the skies without any security left in me to pull me back towards the ground.


i want to feel free when i am
with you
but i have to face my own ghosts and
live my own cages.