art of pain

it is a reflection of days weeks months years of locking everything away and pretending i have never tried to die and pretending i am happy and trying to forget how it is to hurt but i still hurt and forget and i hurt and forget to love myself and love my world because in my eyes i am torn and shattered and i smoke when i wake up and smoke before i sleep blame the sun for my red eyes and swollen heartaches and the bruise in my chest because i cry when i write and i write when i cry and it hurts to speak and it hurts to stay silent but i do it best when i curl in and block out the world and hold on to a million memories that made me laugh and a million others that make me shiver and clench my fists when i dream and think in anger in frustration in disbelief of myself and the things i have done and things i do and i try to embrace life without embracing death but i cannot forget the beauty of letting go when i lay on the floor and held on to nothing except the whispers that told me things were over so i try to smother myself with chores and routines and words that mean nothing because i want to feel nothing and i forget how to feel but i feel empty anyway because i learnt that the math of the negative always empowers the positive so when i fall to zero i fall lower into pain and i try to smile because i am learning to be happy but i cannot face everybody because i do not want to infect do not want them to see how i hurt and i want the laughter the smiles the joy to return because i have always been better at dealing with my own pain and my own flaws and my own

solitude.

i sleep it away for a few hours and wake up in a place where nothing is bliss because my mind is tortured and my body is exhausted i am exhausted in attempt to stay neutral and pretend i do not see it when they cry and pretend i don't know they hurt so i can feel like everything is alright because i want to be free but i cannot feel free and i try to let go of things that matter but things that matter is what keeps me going and i want to give up so they can forget me but i want to stay or else they will forget me and i am selfish and i am a terrible person because i have lost the ability to use my heart and love i want to love i want to feel good i want to feel real and significant but i am not i am nothing but a cold broken sore mass of emptiness and i want to let it all go but can i let myself go?