Confessions

I have never cowered
under the trails of intolerable lightnings
that failed to shake me skin tight
with every outbound shriek and
every bare flash of jagged white,
yet i have tasted the prickle of
fear
scraping the back of my tongue
like inverse cartharsis
as i ripped inside out trying
to bury away
within
colliding upon every self-conjured nightmare
along the way, because this time around
the shrieks forced in -
no flashes of white to
taint the explosion
with beauty.

the days begin to blend
a blur of memories
from a clutter of broken pieces
left broken,
and an equal portion
attempting to heal.
But as things turn grey and
harder around the center,
pain is no longer
poetic
until all that is left is

"i'm just fucking suffocating, you know?"


the skies used to tear apart
around the blues
to rain on me a future
vivid and bright,
but now it hurts to think,
now it hurts to write
and the skies scare the living shit out of me.

i am so tired. so resigned.
Stagnant.

i have a strong arm to lean upon
he is a haven where my heart of injury
stays safe
but i am still facing the insecurities
of turning away from promises
shutting away my thoughts and
running away from reality
yet i try my best to show the strength
of all the love i can flourish
in the midst of the hurricane.

like when i rage wars with a mother
but fear when her breath slows to
a mute echo
as she sleeps -
I am my million contradictions
but i know i now feel.

my tears have stained dry
with pages and pages of despair
and i try
to flush away my reminiscence
of
SuicideHatredDepressionBlackBlack
black pain.

my lungs are clogging up
with words i wish i could utter
but fear the sound of them
on the weight of my lip
words i try to smother down
with kisses of hope
urgent distractions

all i want to do
sometimes
is just to break
down
into a pile of bones
and cry. and cry. and cry.
and wish i can one day open up.

i don't know what to do. i love you. i don't know what i am doing.
i still hurt. i don't know who i am and
can't remember who i was.
i am weak.

Help.