the tip of my lip

there was a precious moment

in my life when i trusted

every string of words that

trailed from your lips;

i was intrigued and captivated

by you

because i was addicted to your voice

i laugh and i can pretend

it is all a joke

when they call me stupid

for having

believedeverythingyousaid

but there are no explanations to

the way i want to perish into

a million unwanted pieces

that your eyes miss and

nobody looks at

i can laugh and

stand beside their pity

when all i want to do

is run away and

break

break down

but i can't cry anymore

because i have realized everything

you made me

was a mere figment of your

make-believe

and my imaginations of

beautiful

they tell me to wake up

but i have long been awake

since before you

left me to peel open my skin

and shred out pain

and took away my breath

in ugly ways

i am awake and

wish i never lingered a second

into nightmares you suffocated me in

i am in pain

that is hard to feel but

i have long realized this is the way

it will be now

untitled

there are movies i watch

and songs i listen to

that remind me

of me

of you

and the way you made me feel

people tell me i talk too much

but there are things

i am sick of, like the

silence when i

was with you

i saw you walk past today

and i almost tore apart

i hate the silent but

there are times when i

need to go back to

what hurt me

to heal.

a different kind of pain

There are days when I wonder

how lucky one has to be to lie

in the middle of a highway and not

get runover

standing on the 31st floor

counting the seconds it might take

to feel the first scrape of skin

when you hit the ground.

I have all these thoughts I exert

through little seeps of

hellos and

yeahs

I try to be a simple person.

But I am always thinking about

how much pain I can take.

when beautiful things attack

these thick, heavy emotions

i can swallow back like

unwanted phlegm.

I feel it lingering at the back of my throat

just above my chest

above that horrible

horrible thudding

beast,

I will not let it find these emotions

I will not let it

rip

me

apart

becauseIhaveemotions.

I cannot. Swallow

swallow

don't say the words

I need you to keep me sane.

I need to stay insane to not need you

I cannot need you

because I cannot hurt you

I cannot want you

because I don't want to dig

bigger holes within me.

desperation is clawing

i want to sleep but the memories

haunt me

the seconds tick by like hours in a day

i want to break free from this plague

of suffocation

that keeps my mind

insane like asylum patients

i feel like i have no more hope

i am my own patient

i kid myself in believing i can make myself better

and paint mirages of myself

for others to reach out to

something i can't even reach

i kid myself in believing

i can be better

i want to be alive

i want to feel

i want to be free

this is my normality

They stare at me with blank looks

blank faces

but I am bursting with colliding emotions

coalescing like

neutralisation.

They silently scream 'me'

me

I

I am a thousand broken miracles

and one dying illusion

10 minutes of flashing blackholes

pulling every time, day... even worse,

every second

of loneliness and typical expressions

because we like to repeat ourself.

I try sitting crosslegged, or knees tucked

under my chin, inside

my shirt, pulling together to fill the blackholes

that never seem to vanish

but always appear bigger than the last

time it wrenched me open.

There's always a light to pull me out

but I'm living under fused bulbs.

---------------------------

by me and haziq. halinot :)

when the world was alive

I never thought I could live without you

and I tried to stop the clocks from ticking

ticking

ticking

each second I lived without

you under my skin

I prayed for the apocalypse and

did things to myself to make believe I was dead

I never thought I could live a breath without you

and I am depressed because

I can

I suffered under the glare of sunlight and

let it burn my insides

when you told me you were gone

because I was gone long before you

but you were always there to

keep me held on

It is pathetic that I still gasp

and find it hard to breath when

I think of you

but that's how it is

when you try to die

and wake up alive and

alone

It is like the whole word has changed

and I am still living yesterworlds.

electric

through the tip of my eyelashes i caught

a different you and

a different me

naming our children and painting a future that

never existed.through the tip of my eyelashes i caught

a memory that took away

my breathing and left me curled in trying to use my skin to cover

every gaping hole i could feel inside me.

there are certain chairs i avoid in the cafe and i turn away

from people who speak like you

i have not ridden a bike since

you

and i don't want to because the space

is too small for me to find a position that does not

feel like

you

i still freeze when i see -

there are hours in a day

i keep for myself because

there are people who try to pull me out of

this & i can't stand the cold rush of fresh

air it is like wind pulling at loose skin,

ripping it further and making it

bleed

i cannot look people in the eye because the

reflection disgusts me

in the midst of a thunderstorm she cowered at lightning

beside me but i merely laughed because things that can kill

thrill me more.i heard once that brains could

fry and leave a person thoughtless

so i walked out into the rain

singing a favourite song

hoping to be struck by bliss.

worse things

i wish i never met you

because you are too beautiful

and the tingles you leave on the soft of my skin

are too delicate for someone

as scarred

and destroyed as i

i wish i never met you because

i know one day

you will feel the way i feel

and hate me for that

and you will hurt

i don't want you to hurt

i wish i never met you

so i could still paint a hundred portraits of

unknown faces and call them

'you'

and love you because it's not real

and i don't have to

realize i don't deserve you

coincidences don't exist

cry

just fucking cry, bitch.

it's not helping at all, the way you're suffocating yourself in huge chunks of words and swallowing the pain back inside until it destroys the rest of your body, it's not helping because your mind is already screwed up and your heart has long been shut down and smashed to pieces.

just fucking let those ugly, ugly tears fall from your eyes because you will feel better, but maybe you don't want to feel better and you want to feel like you're in control when really every single organ and vein in your body has gone twisted and out of control

because you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and hate what you see but sometimes it feels good not liking yourself

because you once read somewhere that they won't like a person who can't like themself.

there was a time that seemed like a previous life when i could reach out to the sunlight and feel happy and never noticed the little things like how it made my palm redder and scorched the back of my skin until it was too agonizing to lie on my side because the skin was peeling and i stay awake counting days until all this will end, and i'm counting in seconds because i try to believe i can live like this a lot longer because i pretend i am stronger than what i really am

which is not strong

weak weak weak

weak like babies born with illnesses and old men who can't get out of bed

the phlegm at the back of my throat reminds me of things that i don't want to remember but i find myself thinking of it everygoddamnday because those things are the only ones that can show me i am still alive.

i sit myself down in my room and count the pills inside the bottle though i know there are 58 because i've only taken two and the bottle says 60.

i still go back to that place where everything is black and i feel comforted by it all because i don't have to worry about tripping over something beautiful and making sure it's not going to hurt because of what i have done but it's all a fucking phase because i still wake up to blue skies and realize there are certain things that i have done and repeated, mistakes that i will have to eat up and hope never to regurgitate out so the effect will only occur to me

i wish i was blind

i wish i could breathe properly without having to force my heart to thump another beat more because some people still want me here even though i wished every night that i was long gone

i wish i could cry

i wish i could cry

i wish i could cry

but i am afraid to feel what i had promised myself never to feel again, lying to myself that what i am experiencing right now is not that exact fucking feeling and the only reason why i don't cry is because i have succeeded in feeling a cold, hard depression not the hurricanes of reality.

and that's when i pretend i don't feel the pain

when really i do

i want to meet an alien

i am happy

so happy like the bright yellow pages

and beautiful writing

i actually feel good about myself but

i am depressed

dirty depressed

like the yellow pages that

blind me under the sun

but i don't stop staring

and words that spill

words that spill secrets i do not want to tell

tell me

i am happy and

make me believe it

tell me

i am beautiful

like things that

steal our breaths away and

make us feel elated inside

but i am not

i am not

shut me out

shut me out

shut me out

shut me out

i keep building a world too small for me

and i keep falling off the edges

i keep falling

the new page

i have to swallow up

my psychotic dreams

my mental self

and pretend i am

absolute

absolutely

fine.

lock

curl

clench

and don't forget to breath

and then, the crash

feelings blotted up like the shadows

of water droplets creeping down glass

screaming in my head songs

that are cutthroat just to make the real pain

less obvious

it's the same old, same fucking story

it's not like anything

or anyone can make it better

so why the hell

bother

anymore?

it's not like i

will get better anytime soon

so why the hell bother

pretending i can?