mutilate

it's again time for me to
strip myself naked of all
emotions and believe that
i am
nothing
shit
rubbish
nothing
nothing
nothing
so i can
die for
a while just to pause
my heart from
disintegrating
no matter how long 
it takes

i am used to
dying for
lengths of
time
where all i do is
listen to the 
hollow of my 
heart twisting me outside
in
until i am all but alive
and locked in
mind boxes
except the one speck
in me flying
free that feels 
good 
about the whole process
knowing i am still capable of
doing things to myself
however bad
the things can be
and i can still 
pretend
i am doing this 
because i want to and
not 
because of you

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