mutilate

it's again time for me to

strip myself naked of all

emotions and believe that

i am

nothing

shit

rubbish

nothing

nothing

nothing

so i can

die for

a while just to pause

my heart from

disintegrating

no matter how long 

it takes

i am used to

dying for

lengths of

time

where all i do is

listen to the 

hollow of my 

heart twisting me outside

in

until i am all but alive

and locked in

mind boxes

except the one speck

in me flying

free that feels 

good 

about the whole process

knowing i am still capable of

doing things to myself

however bad

the things can be

and i can still 

pretend

i am doing this 

because i want to and

not 

because of you

murder

you say the words 

words but

you tell no one else

no one else

but me

so i die

alone

crumpled like

unwanted paper

yet everybody sees me

torturing you

with the nothingness i give;

the aftermath of my

hurt

because all i want is to

vanish

and

disintegrate

yet everybody sees me

giving up on you

because you have

tears in your eyes

like

it is all

my fault

my fault

but they were

your words

in the first place

words

nobody heard 

therefore

nobody got hurt

but me

because nobody knows

what you say

when you

are

killing me

filthy

i used to be pure

like

snow and 

cloudless days;

times when i could sleep through a fire

and knew no pain

i used to be pure from

horrors of

heartaches

i used to defeat nightmares

and conquer dreams

i knew no pain

but scars are all that are

left of me

now;

scars

scars

scars

etched on my body

heart

lifeline

i ruin myself because -.

i used to be pure

like

innocent eyes and

genuine laughter;

i was

somebody i now

cannot find

lost behind in

times when i knew no pain

and i

am now filled

with

nothing but -

i used to be pure like

fairytales

but even they have betraying

disappointing

gutting

truths behind the

happy endings; now

i have learnt and tasted

everything about

darkness

and digging my heart out

for you to stitch back

because you promised me so

was a pure mistake

listening to promises you were

bound to

break

and believing them, nonetheless;

you stitched me up

in ways for you to

reopen the wounds

that held

stale memories of

past heart breaks

whenever you

feel like it

just so you can watch me

bleed

and i bleed 

only for you

because you sweeten my life

and i bleed only for 

you

because the blood

tastes

so much

sweeter

120

and just when I dare to think

we are finally 

mellowing down to a silence that merely 

meant our hearts resurrecting,

you inject

the final poison; 

"are we even going to last?"

for the first time in my life sunsets

scared the daylights out of me

and all I could see was the

darkness ahead

all of it

all of it

black.

and I say we won't if you keep 

believing the negativity in your

thoughts to which you reply with

yet another length of silence

which I interrupt when

the repeated visions of you on

playback

come back to me

those scarring images of you

walking away from me

saying 'we are over' like as if they were

just words but

they are not, not

not just fucking words

thoughts of you putting a stop to my heartbeat

like as if what you held in your hand is

not alive

but just

an object

dead and replaceable like it is

not alive

like it is

disposable

but they are not

just fucking words

because words don't signify you 

throwing my life away

they are explanations to questions asked

about pieces of a dead heart splattered

across bedroom floors and roadsides

a heart that once belonged to me

because you threw me away

so shut up, please,

because I cannot breath.

no escape

you plead for me to meet your eyes but I can't

because I am trying to look strong

by keeping my pain away from you,

the one vulnerability left in me

and I couldn't let you crush

that, too,

I cannot look in

to your eyes because of your words

that stabbed me gutless and

I didn't want to believe they were real

I couldn't look in

to your eyes because I want the

moment the feelings 

this

to be fake fake fake

fucking fake

the way you walk away, the way you were so

ready

to shred my heart down

everything to the way you

asked me "can we even last

- like this?"

these moments that haunt my sleep and darken the skin 

beneath my eyes

how do i breath, please?

holyshit,i'mbreaking

I can never get used to it each time you throw another line of sentences strung together like knives cutting all the way from my ear drums to my heart until I am unintentionally letting out gasps for air because your words words words I have heard a hundred times before still kill me and I just cannot bear to hear them because I simply cannot bear to imagine you walking away losing you leaving everything we built behind like how you threaten to throw away my heart each time there is a flaw in our bonds as if my heart is dirt and nothing much of a big deal as if it is just a piece of necklace as if they are just words i can never get used to it your repetetitve drive to break me into pieces like 'it's over' and 'i'm leaving you' i can never never oh god never because I can never bear to imagine you leaving me and I get nightmares now I can't close my eyes I can't dare to let my mind wander because I remember things I can never get used to because I can never never live without you never never it will kill me, I swear.

opium sticks

- You don't sound okay.

- I went through barbed wires. But I got through and I've now reached the lake.

- I hope the view is worth it.

- Well, it ain't a mirage.

- :D

- :)

repair works

times when you do

pull me out of nightmares where I 

rely on your rescue

and plunge me down a new trail of

unperturbing dreams

times when you do

listen and 

remember what strength is

us

and

everything in between

times when you do

pick me up from tatters and

rags and

stitch me up from

the same open wounds

times when you do

seem like mountains and a

forever open sky

millions of colours, millions of bright, bright

lights that I love

times when you do

wish to hold on to

what we built and all that we've created

like

each other

times when you do

say you love me and

say it because you want me to

stop hurting

times when you do

keep me alive

broken lines

They talk on phones with broken lines,

and none of them can hear

the other end; it is

good when I-Hate-You's are buried mute and

let slip but nothing gets better because

every "I love you" she repeated between the

gasps and the sobs

remain unheard.

They talk on phones with broken lines,

with the words never getting through,

words that should and should not be kept

and hanging up

leads to no change but 

pain because he hung up

when she said "I'm sorry."

And he never heard her cut her heart up for him

to mend, so she is now left broken

like the phone lines in the middle of the

night.

happiness is a warm gun

You don't - 

because of the way I still have to repeatedly

turn my pillows and quilt inside 

out

to hide the proof of me never

getting the chance, of me rotting;

stench, taste, my patheticness.

You don't -

because of the constant 

misjudgements and words that

should not be said, words that

leave me drenched in self-exhaustion

self-mutilation

because you say them anyway.

You don't - 

because I feel my fingers shaking

I can't even read what I write, but I write to 

stop my heart exploding like

kitchen gas

yes, everything is tasteless again.

You don't -

like ugly sarcasm where you

tower above me, hiding your hurt by

laughing at mine, you don't because

you leave - always.

You don't - 

because I ignore them when they

speak to me; I only hear

your voice, words, everything

and they are not real.

You don't -

too many questions in a list

I have already answered since the

day you took my broken heart 

from me to 

sew together,

and you did, then,

trust me.

------------------------

Alternate title: Honesty is a lonely word

Burying Hell

when we pour ourselves into each other

clutching and

scratching upon every surface trying to leave a mark

so as to not forget

how irresistible it is

and the after 'I Love You's that

wrap everything up into

a perfect memory

of moments where you could cling to me

and never let go if

you had a choice

we are trying so hard to

be part of one another

in every way

emotional and physical

that every slit that divides us

hurts

we fight so hard to be where we are

and it all seems worth all the 

tears and

heartburns

when you lay your hands on my body

and trace the lines on my face in a continuous

shape of a heart

you are saying the words

you don't know how to utter

and i swear, i understand

it is like when i

cut up my heart like

your piece of cake

for you 

for you

i do it all for you

and the smile on your face when you

realize

is so beautiful.