forcing onto gravity

i stab myself with a blunt knife
a million times until i am
numb to pain,
and the loss of blood makes me feel lighter
free.

i swallow shards of
lies and dishonesty that cut through my
oesophagus until i choke off shattered
dreams, i suffer from amnesia because i once tried
so hard to
forget everything about my life
every second;
seconds like these

i throw myself into fires and plunge
off building tops
without pretending i am superwoman
because i know by now
i am not

never was
never will be

i am just
a distorted lump of crisis and
public disharmony

i can tell by the precise ways i
stutter in tempo to the
malfuntional jerks under my lungs that
my life is
slowly slowly
decaptating itself

i realize how much i hurt
myself and others for i am
mute to exposure
and blind to colours

i sustain suffocation
as easily as i
let slip breaths meant to
keep me awake
i like the idea of
dying in my sleep because
i feel so

alone

and i know it is just
me and
my faults
when every night i hear the
frantic thumping of people
trying to claw in, reach in, break in
to me

but i have long stopped laughing and
i don't cry either therefore i just
drift mid-air with chains binding me shut

therefore i just

grow immune to life and its many
cruelties
beauties
therefore i just
fly without destination
and
sink without end

waiting for the moment where i start to

crumble.