valentine thoughts

i feel safe and i can breath

for i don't have to pretend my head

is not pounding

for it is another moment

when i peek at the clock

and realize i was feeling special

this exact moment -

365 days ago

and the specific playbacks

flash inside me like

horror flicks.

now things are just empty and i feel safe

because i don't have to spend this year's today

trying to put effort in making someone feel special

when i am not special enough to do that.

i maintain my stand-still

believing this is

the best choice for me

because any other decision will hurt me

and nothing can hurt if you're emotionless.

but it is hard to be emotionless.

i look at a photo now in the place

of the one we had 365 days ago

with the sickening nostalgia

filling my head and i ask myself

if you bought her a rose

like you did me

365 days ago.

and i ask myself if

months from now you'll still be drawing hearts

on her face

without breaking the one inside her

because you know it is for you only

i ask myself if

months from now you would love her

for who she was

because you know what you did

and perhaps -

perhaps

you are conscious of the girl you once broke and

left to waste

and realize how much you need to fix

to become a better person

now.