backwards

i am back to the beginning

the dark rooms and me

scraping for air.

i live in reverse

i am back to

curling up

without purpose for anything

and i ponder death again.

i am back to hating my guts

for making decisions that

broke me

trashed me

killed me.

nothing would be as it is

if i never chose to hold onto

someone who

ruined me

because i was naive enough

to believe in love.

there is a reason why i hid it all away.

i hate the taste of my tears

i hate the sound of my mind

breaking me up into miniscule

hopeless pieces.

i hated being this way

and fuck, i am back to living

like this.