cutting pages

The days are timeless again.

It is no longer only midnights that

hit me with a cold stab,

every second prolonged

like phlegm spit out.

I cannot stand reliving this

pain

I cannot stand

reliving nightmares I tried to bury

with reality

but this is reality

it always was.

I fall back into the lack

of self consciousness

where I forget it is weird when a girl

usually all smiles

dashes away to break down

because breaking down isn't her thing, really.

There are those who are willing to

keep me strong and

those who keep me sane;

I wish I could allow myself to

get so weak I could lose

all my thought or sanity

so I didn't need to make sense of

the torture chamber proclaiming the place of

what I once called life.

Welcome to suicidal thoughts

and choked up tears. I cannot make life

disappear

so it is a life I have to learn

to grow immune to so it wouldn't

hurt as much when it eats me up.

I am building stronger walls again

this time 'round, it feels

a lot thicker and much more

unbreakable, strong enough

to hurl back and crush me

if I lose control of this.

They watch me, trying to keep me

safe, telling me

things will change and I hope the day

doesn't come, when I won't be able

to see them anymore,

when the walls get higher around me

and swallow me whole.