foreigner

it is not easy to fake a smile

like before,

and everyone can see this now.

i ask for isolation, but

i hate it.

it is like the darkness in the middle of a street

when you can't see anything

but around you is

everything.

i forget reasons to make myself

believe it is easy

to forgive the things i have done.

i accept that life went wrong.

and just like every candle flame,

it will burn out and run dry

sooner or later.

un coeur a paris

it is strange when that song plays again,

when i'm there again, in the place i escaped to for a

badly needed solitude away from him.

strange how it brings back reminiscents of me

trying to remember how i was like

before him,

so i didn't have to cope with how i was like

after him,

the one who slips continuously in and out of

reminiscents of what happened when i was

with him.

some people say listening to heartbreak songs

make you cry,

but i don't find the need to cry over

a heart already broken

for i've cried enough over

a heart breaking

and the songs only remind me of how much

time i wasted

trying to mend myself -

i was never good at stitching.

when you have no other choice but

to step into an unwanted time warp

all you've got to do is hold on to the

present,

remembering, unlike back then,

that you always have another place

to fall back into

if things get horrid.

stabilize

my emotions are unreal

you never see me cry with a cigarette in hand

i always have a cigarette in hand.

controlled desire

controlled pain.

it is an agony that hits me like

nicotine rush.

pure.vibrant.cleansing.

many things meet my eye

from within me like catharsis

i am afraid of many things

the strong face i master is an ugly disguise

and afraid of many things

it is an agony that pulls me -

wakes me from the false visage

of life people dream about.

my dreams are the only reminders

that i am still human enough

but my emotions are unreal.

midnight, again

the world evolves around

figments

of seconds where we don't know

what we're looking for.

the steady eyes, they falter me.

i feel bare

like a single star exposed

on the expansion of a neverendingsky.

this is the passing of time

that determines my distraught

distressed

state of mind.keep me calm. keep mecalm. keep me. keepcalm.

i fall in

i crawl back to my self contructed

wall

walls

walls. fucking walls.

i feel blind i feel empty

walls that leave me with nothing to hold onto.

i do not want to live this but i do not want to leave this.

valentine thoughts

i feel safe and i can breath

for i don't have to pretend my head

is not pounding

for it is another moment

when i peek at the clock

and realize i was feeling special

this exact moment -

365 days ago

and the specific playbacks

flash inside me like

horror flicks.

now things are just empty and i feel safe

because i don't have to spend this year's today

trying to put effort in making someone feel special

when i am not special enough to do that.

i maintain my stand-still

believing this is

the best choice for me

because any other decision will hurt me

and nothing can hurt if you're emotionless.

but it is hard to be emotionless.

i look at a photo now in the place

of the one we had 365 days ago

with the sickening nostalgia

filling my head and i ask myself

if you bought her a rose

like you did me

365 days ago.

and i ask myself if

months from now you'll still be drawing hearts

on her face

without breaking the one inside her

because you know it is for you only

i ask myself if

months from now you would love her

for who she was

because you know what you did

and perhaps -

perhaps

you are conscious of the girl you once broke and

left to waste

and realize how much you need to fix

to become a better person

now.

cutting pages

The days are timeless again.

It is no longer only midnights that

hit me with a cold stab,

every second prolonged

like phlegm spit out.

I cannot stand reliving this

pain

I cannot stand

reliving nightmares I tried to bury

with reality

but this is reality

it always was.

I fall back into the lack

of self consciousness

where I forget it is weird when a girl

usually all smiles

dashes away to break down

because breaking down isn't her thing, really.

There are those who are willing to

keep me strong and

those who keep me sane;

I wish I could allow myself to

get so weak I could lose

all my thought or sanity

so I didn't need to make sense of

the torture chamber proclaiming the place of

what I once called life.

Welcome to suicidal thoughts

and choked up tears. I cannot make life

disappear

so it is a life I have to learn

to grow immune to so it wouldn't

hurt as much when it eats me up.

I am building stronger walls again

this time 'round, it feels

a lot thicker and much more

unbreakable, strong enough

to hurl back and crush me

if I lose control of this.

They watch me, trying to keep me

safe, telling me

things will change and I hope the day

doesn't come, when I won't be able

to see them anymore,

when the walls get higher around me

and swallow me whole.

backwards

i am back to the beginning

the dark rooms and me

scraping for air.

i live in reverse

i am back to

curling up

without purpose for anything

and i ponder death again.

i am back to hating my guts

for making decisions that

broke me

trashed me

killed me.

nothing would be as it is

if i never chose to hold onto

someone who

ruined me

because i was naive enough

to believe in love.

there is a reason why i hid it all away.

i hate the taste of my tears

i hate the sound of my mind

breaking me up into miniscule

hopeless pieces.

i hated being this way

and fuck, i am back to living

like this.

the sound of engines

it kills with each smile

to realise it will

ruin a lot to

heal everything.

i can taste depression on the

tip of my ears where he last

left whispers of

reassurance that try to work

but i gulp them down like

the drop of my heart

i can feel the sallow stabs return.

he is amazing too amazing

for me and my endless

migraines and seconds when i can't

accept that he's there because

i am too busy with things that

aren't

but haunt me.

i don't want to feel this way

but what if it takes me

needing to destroy myself and

break through shards of glass

like the super woman i once thought

i was

to see the happiness

i am starting to feel

but too weak to catch

because my ribs hurt and i curl up

trying to cry

and trying to

hold back tears.

familiarity

These are all my familiar moments

peeling at my skin beside and

under my nails

biting it off

the spacing out every

other minute until it feels like my

eyesight has a world of its own

listening to music but

not really responding

an intake without

exhalation

leaning against the wall

i have to have walls

walls to hide in

and walls to break

the familiar moments like when

i choke back cutting thoughts

because i think about him

again

just when i trust that i am

fine

again

familiar moments when i

prefer my own company

to others

so i don't have to pretend it is easy

to laugh