chemistry

there was a short pause

in seconds and minutes and eternity

where I forgot to fend for myself

and let you eat me up

I left a part of me lost in

nightmares and

froze in an unpleasant stance

every day I woke up from

sleepless nights

I attempted a self-assessment

and

experimented with padlocks and

passwords I could use when I

felt it was time to

put myself away from

the motions of life

I attempted to take control

of the little I had

left in me

that I saved for myself

but somehow

I lost it all

lost it all to you.

=======

I continued searching for different

methods

to kill a man

or save one

I decided to go with 

the latter

because killing you isn't 

much of a satisfaction to me

anyway

because I remember telling

you once

"If you leave, I'm better off dead,"

=======

you are now finding ways to

scrape back to my heart

but

I forgot to mention my experiment

was completed

just last night

with the final addition

of

painful words

from you.

=======

it is almost

sweet

to see someone else trying

other than me

for once to

make things work

I am running out of catalysts to

pull me further inside

and I 

slowly start to

 feel your hand on mine

now

and your apology

actually sounds

real again.

I attempted to ruin myself

after you

but I am failing

because of you.

=======

I let myself believe that

another escape will

stop myself from

once again falling for

the candy you place in my mouth

with each kiss

candies with a 

bitter end

but each escape is

a door leading me back to

you

because I realize now

the trickle I get

when you melt my 

freezing process

is not a fraud

but

what you are

because you are

what kills me and 

what makes me feel

alive

strength and

what makes me weak

my destroyer

yet also my builder

my hurt and

the one who heals it

because you are the reasons

i am whole and I am empty

and also everything 

in between.