Broken Candy Canes

There were forever a million and one reasons to

why I saw butterflies and blue skies

when I looked in his eyes

Because lies were what he lived in.

Every story of millipedes and thunderstorms just

gushed through his body like gamma rays without halt

for he never listened to my cries because 

he once told me

he was in love with my laughter.

I freeze myself in moments handpicked by him

and replay them like broken recorders 

but it never sickens him because

he was in love with my laughter.

A million and one reasons to

why I saw butterflies and blue skies 

when he looked in my eyes

because every time I cried

he closed his eyes

and drifted away to dreams of

my smiles.

71

i've been pouring hot water onto my fingertips 

for exactly 71 days

sniffing clothes biting tongues chewing nails slamming doors tearing letters eating junk

it's become a habit to rot away per day

when my mind slip in

to thoughts of you

you think of me, too; i can tell

by the way you

beg me to do things to please you

to keep my promises

to smile right

to talk right

to eat right

to sleep right

to live right

to kiss right

to treat you right

only to wonder if I love you when I fulfill all your demands

while you break rules

that I never even made;

the same mistakes

- shouldn't I be the one asking?

you give me a hundred excuses to leave 

while I give you none, but somehow you're always the first to

walk out

with each step I take towards you

you'd smoothen every line on my face and kiss my 

roughed up fingertips

without asking why

without knowing why

oblivious to how much i dream of you

71 consecutive nights

for you're always the one saying you see me in dreams.

it is like you still portray me as

something you can't touch because

of the way you

fantasize on just how willing i am to

carve my heart out for you

and you get annoyed when the best I can give is

a drawing of my heart; because you forget the inconveniences 

on my side;

simple facts like how

giving my heart to you

just because i have to prove myself

once more

would take my life away - and it's not worth it because I'll soon have you

begging me not to leave

for dying somehow becomes my fault because you're so self-indulged you 

failed to see my heart in your hands as a wish of your own

but as a doing of my own

asking me 'don't you love me anymore?'

for the 71th time.

freeze

your actions do nothing to you but to me to me

they kill

they rip

they tear

they rape

every promises vowed

you were making a plaything out of me when you 

asked me to leave asked me to stay

said hello sorry goodbye while

hiding away

you

made me a sinner for 

loving you when you told me to hate you

loving you now when by right i 

should hate you

for your actions do nothing to you but

everything to me

from the way my fists are clenched over my chest as i 

try to stop from suffocating through

clogged throats and dazed eyes

your promises are still words i cling on to

therefore i am now

shattered across the floor like

aftermath.

your actions did nothing to you but to me to me

they did everything to me

applause

I catch myself conjuring reasons for

days ending too painstakingly sudden and

beginning before I am ready to face

another life. I cross out dates on my calendar

without really moving forward, running out of time and

living on procrastination until I am

sorting out yesterdays during tomorrows.

yesterday 

yesterday 

yesterday I lost my future.

I am alone under spotlights 

and reality shines down,

projecting beside me, the million smithereens

of imperfections contaminating my 

every intake

breathbreathbreath

choke

sometimes I just want to be the one backstage;

in control of everything and 

away from it all

for I am losing all perspective

when I am center stage and the lights are blinding.

negativity

'i don't see any hope left for us' he sliced the words

across my heart and

i wanted to ask him if he still loved me

so i could say 'if there's still love,

there's still hope'

but i took a turn and ended up

crying tearless cries croaking

'please don't leave me' down the

phone line

--

i used to have him

around my finger

and never realized how deeply i 

fell for him

while doing so; his twisting away now

makes me want to twist myself around him

and

never let go

don't, don't, you promised

don't.

--

i spend my days scraping pain 

into my head - i don't do it intentionally

there are just too many things

going wrong like

the way my mother gets weaker every day

and we keep fighting over stupid things but I 

don't care much because my mother will

never leave me - no

i am so fucking selfish.

but him and i, we can't fight

the fights we have on a daily basis 

because he's willing to

let go of all the 

sacrifices we made to

make us who we are

i need him to blow on the wounds i

filtered from the weight of 

my father's authority

and those are just a few

recurring examples of my

calamities

--

and this is why i can't breath

why my heart is pounding too fast

why my words come out desperate and

senseless; full of needing him

because

in plain truth,

i really do.

stabstabstab

i am writing a thousand words

trying to illustrate how i feel 

as subtly as i can

but

sometimes i wish i can just go

it fucking hurts because everything is dead and killing me inside in ways i cannot explain i am fucking dying every second i try to whisper through my tears the things i want to say so badly but somehow sound useless by the time i get around it fucking painful with every intake my breath is stale from regrets and mistakes i unintentionally make my heart is fucking exploding bit by bit like tiny fireworks colliding with each other on every nerve pounding in my chest i can't fucking breath i am falling why isn't there anyone there to fucking catch me i need something someone to hold me tight and say everything will be alright though everything is fucking dead and killing me in ways i cannot explain.

triangles

i believed in hope

like how my nephew believes in Santa Claus

because every Christmas he sees hundreds of them

granting him wishes

and it looks so real

it looked so real.

i used to stand on top of mountains and

claim the sky my own

loving how the wind would 

pull my hair back

off of my face

an unnecessary annoyance

i could live without

if only i knew winds could

flip directions.

i believed in hope because

it was sickeningly tempting

to be able to freeze my brain away from

'what if's and

subconscious warnings i give myself

but it was foreseen that my nephew would

one night wake up and see his parents

around the Christmas tree

trying not to wake him up from his

naive reveries.

but sometimes things are so wrong they are

hard to resist.

mentalnotestoself

------

2:30

------

It's just a typical one-on-one;

we get over these things, right?

I didn't have the chance to say

sweetdreams and I love you,

& tomorrow things will be back to how

We

kiss each other senselessly and laugh at our flaws,

right?

------

9:15

------

Maybe it's too early,

maybe you're busy,

maybe you're still sleeping in

sweet dreams.

Maybe you need time,

I'm just being irrational, here.

But maybe, you're gone.

--------

15:23

--------

I feel like I am slowly getting life in control,

I look through all the work I managed to complete

today, and just for a second, I am

feeling accomplished,

So I decide to test my luck

a hundredth time today,

but regret the moments I, again,

switch on my phone

prayinghopingwishing

your name would be etched on the screen

like it is on my heart

like it is on my hand

like it is on my table

like it is on pages of my books

like it is on everything I have to face

because your name is a meaningless 

waste of ink

if you have

disappeared, you know?

--------

18:03

--------

White noise, white noise, 

I put my ear to my dying radio,

my only comfort today, and try to deafen out

the beating of my heart, because every beat is

every whisper of your name

because if it wasn't for you,

it would be a deadbeat today

and I don't need your memories right now.

--------

23:41

--------

I tell them I am fine

but my plates are left untouched because 

I eat when I am happy,

but I am not, quite obviously.

I laugh at how pathetic I look;

it is a bitter laugh, and I momentarily wonder

if I have successfully

locked my emotions into a place that is cold,

a place where my heart does not beat.

It is only a momentary thought, for you are

suddenly there again, in my mind,

laughing bitterly at me, too,

and it all comes back to me when I stare down at my hands

clutching the sides of the sink for support

like how I would used to hold your hands;

I am a very good liar, sometimes, 

even to myself.

------

3:22

------

I fall in and out of sleep,

trying to see if you will be here

in my dreams or in my reality,

but when you are in neither,

where can I go to?

I count down minutes to nothingness, and

the ring on my finger burns.

------

9:34

------

Clutching to his clothes,

I spend dead mornings breathing his scent,

whispering 'come back to me' - not really waiting 

for a reply, because none had surfaced so far.

Desperate. They say it's not good

to be desperate, -it's a turn off;

but I desperately need 

someone to realize my heart is not a punchbag

and needs stitching up from the misconception -

again.

Maybe it's a turn off, but it shouldn't be

to him, for he once fell in love with my vulnerability 

when he had put together pieces of my heart

& resurrected me.

Perhaps he lied, when doing so; perhaps he was just 

one of those who enjoyed 

putting jigsaw puzzles together

without framing up the final work,

and just crush up the pieces once

done with it.

--------

11:26

--------

I hate waking up,

not that I was even asleep -

let me rephrase.

I hate opening my eyes because reality hurts too fucking much.

Has something happened to him, it's impossible he can

stay away this long

We're inseparable, remember?

Come back to me and help me breath, please.

--------

11:54

--------

Time is like a Mini Cooper

racing a Ferrari.

--------

12:10

--------

It hurts less when you forget things around you matter.

Earplugs, sunglasses and

scotchtape-on-lips help,

and maybe when I wrap myself in layers and layers of 

things,

I can become part of things that don't matter

and just,

stop existing.

Zenith and I

we are frozen constant 

at moments where

i leave as he enters and

he sleeps when i wake, chasing a nonstop;

we never flip the pages at equal pace for he is 

forever verso when i am

recto; but oddity works sometimes like when

he reminds me of our

pasttimes and i 

whisper tales of our future.

i have multiple conversations

with the sky, i like to lie down

bare like sacrifice

with a wont to wait on lightning bolts

while he would grasp tight on umbrella handles, 

busy averting his eyes to

counting the number of grass he might have trodden on.

zenith & i.

nadir & him. - he is always staring down

and we can't help but see

things differently for i always

face the back of his

head as he runs forward searching for

me; a vagary 

i sometimes wished he never knew.