urges

lava coursing through my veins
like fiery avalanche
i am splitting apart
peeling
from the inside out
you can see it by the way my fingers clench
and tremble every time i close my eyes
i rage mountains
fury
sea of torment in the full of my mind
where dreams once painted
a longingly blue sky
you are so desperately trying to
hold between your fingers
because you are determined to keep me shining.

it is times like these
when i try to breathe you in
but i am getting in all the wrong signals
when i scatter into frantic
helpless pieces
and i feel unworthy of attachment
to every morsel
of a world that detaches from every morsel
of me.

i feel violent inside
a suicidal tendency tickles beneath my skin
as i reach towards the dark
when the light begins to
hurt my eyes.

i blame myself over & over
as wish for the pain to bury under
like secrets that will soon be forgotten
in the mind of the world.

he dreams my dreams

it is a memory living within me
with permanence
the dangling smell of white, musky passion
clinging to the curve of his neck
the sharp of his collarbone beneath my cheeks
as i drift
into a sky of peace that reside
deep in his eyes
i venture into his soul
and find mine
complete and alive with
a thousand dreams that communicate to
the fall of his eyelashes as he
sleeps. a sound of a thousand angels
soaring towards the shine of summer

when i will quiver with a certain
sense of misdirection
i can breathe him in
from the air around me
knowing he is here
and though we are divided
through skylines of a thousand lives
he is always there watching the moon
shining down on him
knowing it is also
shining down on me

Confessions

I have never cowered
under the trails of intolerable lightnings
that failed to shake me skin tight
with every outbound shriek and
every bare flash of jagged white,
yet i have tasted the prickle of
fear
scraping the back of my tongue
like inverse cartharsis
as i ripped inside out trying
to bury away
within
colliding upon every self-conjured nightmare
along the way, because this time around
the shrieks forced in -
no flashes of white to
taint the explosion
with beauty.

the days begin to blend
a blur of memories
from a clutter of broken pieces
left broken,
and an equal portion
attempting to heal.
But as things turn grey and
harder around the center,
pain is no longer
poetic
until all that is left is

"i'm just fucking suffocating, you know?"


the skies used to tear apart
around the blues
to rain on me a future
vivid and bright,
but now it hurts to think,
now it hurts to write
and the skies scare the living shit out of me.

i am so tired. so resigned.
Stagnant.

i have a strong arm to lean upon
he is a haven where my heart of injury
stays safe
but i am still facing the insecurities
of turning away from promises
shutting away my thoughts and
running away from reality
yet i try my best to show the strength
of all the love i can flourish
in the midst of the hurricane.

like when i rage wars with a mother
but fear when her breath slows to
a mute echo
as she sleeps -
I am my million contradictions
but i know i now feel.

my tears have stained dry
with pages and pages of despair
and i try
to flush away my reminiscence
of
SuicideHatredDepressionBlackBlack
black pain.

my lungs are clogging up
with words i wish i could utter
but fear the sound of them
on the weight of my lip
words i try to smother down
with kisses of hope
urgent distractions

all i want to do
sometimes
is just to break
down
into a pile of bones
and cry. and cry. and cry.
and wish i can one day open up.

i don't know what to do. i love you. i don't know what i am doing.
i still hurt. i don't know who i am and
can't remember who i was.
i am weak.

Help.

pulp

stretch.

cold space, tight like knives.

scrape. grip. scrape. clench
losing grip.

and it stretches into my soul
- rip.

ghouls.monsters.vultures.
my1000unfriendlyghosts.

slither, slither
(into me and) stretch. rip.
suck.

black stare; blank like death.
freeze. shudder. squeeze. mutter
-incoherent words
they freeze down my throat
like an avalanche.

disaster.
pain.murder.
pain.
torture.pain.

fear.

my mind collapses.
i am not free.

aurora

i wonder if you find the missing piece
like i do
in the urgency of our kisses
and wonder if you notice my
fear
when i hold onto your arm
like a twig in a gush of
flood and i shift closer to you
when you are asleep
because i don't ever want
to find your skin
foreign.
i still face nightmares
of you
walking away
though you caress
the plains of my body with a
heartbreaking glance
and your
beautiful smile
and it is the most complete i feel
when i whisper to you
that you are the colors
of the rainbow
that fell from the sky
and into my dreams.
and you look into my eyes
and whisper back
that i am your rainbow.

a little later

tripping over buried jewel under my balance, i am still unknowing of how it took so long to find his shine in the grit of dirt beneath my pain-stained world and learn as he teaches to find hope flicker behind every comforting whisper and a healing heart.

but with every freeway
comes a tunnel
and i feel like i am once again plunging into the midst of a heavy dark where the light might misplace me as i speed through the clots of my miserably blunt thoughts, murky and rusted, without an end to show me out.
i tend to forget
about the vents above
to climb into and escape
upwards.

it is the worst to feel this way when i have nobody to blame
but myself
and i feel guilty for trying to find outlets because i am too afraid to admit to my demons and i try to understand why i have ended up this way but i cannot see through the regular black spots that tint my eyesight of a once colorful world.
and i wish i never forget the taste of freedom,
and i wish i never learnt the taste of freedom,
and how challenging it becomes,
yet how thrilling to fight for.

i held his hand when i was my freest,
without ever feeling
as alive as i did again,
when i put aside my insecurities
to haunt me a little later.

but when 'a little later' is
a little too late
and visits when your guard is at the lowest,
i wonder if throwing away the weight just for a while to attempt to fly was really worth it to be strong, as i head towards the skies without any security left in me to pull me back towards the ground.


i want to feel free when i am
with you
but i have to face my own ghosts and
live my own cages.

overflow

i continue to pick on the skin beside my bitten down fingernails when i have nothing to do and no cigarettes to smoke, and my eyes will zone out as i picture a series of cold, unpleasant imaginations.
some call it a bad habit
but i call it clockwork
ticking like a timebomb until the next explosion of thoughts that can almost (kill) suffocate me; it is an automatic structure of the way my body works and some may give it an alienating medical term but i'd rather just stick with "stress" to make myself feel a little bit better about myself.

there are still days when i am in need of
letting my soul fly
free - so i listen to music like Sigur Ros, A Perfect Circle and Deftones and capture lyrics like "you're into depression because it matches your eyes" and "overwhelming hostility"
so i try to steer away from the words and listen to how these bands have so much emotions they can teach me how to feel again when i crumble down from another session of "i need to run. i need to run. i need to -"

i wish i can fly

i wish i can feel the skin on my bones deteriorate with the wind as i disappear from a place at a time because i want to be somewhere else; under a rock or inside a box
or in your arms with my face buried in the curve of your neck
and tangles of your hair

and i will worry about my weight crushing your heart as i lie above your chest counting your heartbeat and i worry i will lose you
forever
then the clockwork begins a ticking and i will try to runaway so you won't face my disasters but i can never runaway from you because you keep me safe and allow me to curl inwards as you try to communicate when i just want to
fade.

i have decided to keep my hair long
but every so often
i will snip at the side of my hair that measures unproportionately short and keep it the same length as it was last week, and the week before, and the week before because it makes me feel like i am
still the same person

(as who?)

i refuse to take medication and that is why i give away my cough medicine and leave pills and tablets sealed and untouched on my table and threw away every single anti-depressants i was given because i shake my head and prefer the insomnia when they decide on a medicated slumber.

i do not want to dream in colours
if it is not my choice

this is a hollow and dark pit i return to every so often when i sit alone
and have no cigarettes to smoke and want to distract away my fingernails and i will pluck thoughts from the clockwork of my mind to release the tension

then i will look up
and think of you
and how i have the courage to laugh and dare to love because i believe you are worth the try and i get tingles under my skin when our fingers fit together; when you cover my mouth as i yawn and then kiss my back and have a secret smile on the tilt of your lips that only i can notice
and that makes me feel special.
and i want to disappear, again
but i want to disappear with you
because you remind me how to feel
like a favourite Sigur Ros song
when i begin to go numb
and sink into my bad habits once more

eternal

i try not to stumble
and i try not to pick on
broken glass
again. i have learnt to
wash away my reflections
and create new ones
from the shine of your eyes
and you are the flicker
of hope
of my own Pandora's box.
though i ache
a blunt, cankered ache
i am relieved and
embrace the feel of sunlight
upon my fingertips
because you are the one
who steers away my storms
and never bring me rain.

it no longer matters
where i will find myself
when i wake up
in a foreign morning
far from you
because i know i will
always
find my way back home
to you
and find my place of reason
in the steadiness
of your heartbeat.

delicate

i let my fingers
trace your bones
under your skin
and you shiver
just a little bit
as i paint a skeletal map
of your body
in my mind
for permanence

dreaming with a certainty
that we will be the same
in ten years time
our limbs tangled together
in a curl of intimacy

my fingers get caught
in the strands of your hair
and i laugh as your eyelashes
graze the soft of my face

and you see the pain
of my overflowing mind
in the smudge of a tear
as you stare into me and
ask me
not to leave you behind
when my thoughts take me
far away

and i will go
far away
when my mind wanders
and brings me to my hidden places

but you will always be
my home

and i will always come back
to you
and never leave you behind
as long as you are there
to bring me back
to the depth of your heart

cigarette kisses

a smile i kiss
in the stir of the night
as we stare into our
familiar eyes
and i fly into yours
as you explore mine
learning to read my thoughts

your heartbeat is my poetry
and brings you
closer to me
reminding me that i am
not dreaming
when we lie together
without uttering the words that are
floating in the silence
around us

magic is in
every breath we slip
into each other's lips
as our souls intertwine
and you and me
become a part of
me and you