to want.

 

Fingers shaking
Brain fuzzing
I feel the anger but I'm still stagnant
In my own resistance
I was a warrior and now I am weak
I watch evil slip past my fingers when I could have stopped it passing through by
Simply clenching my fist
I never knew I was so designed
By the social norms and upbringings that never were meant to let me live a life I chose
Because every upbringing is to feed a perfect extortionate system
I was embarrassed for awhile that I believed I was a punk
When I stepped out and stared from the shadows at things unwinding where they shouldn't
I stopped speaking out and I stopped knowing what to say
I forgot my words my brain my self
I left it all behind on a dark alleyway
Some people found my broken pieces and found it worth it to piece me up again
And now I'm whole im still convinced that something's missing because my brain was fixed the same
I hope I will become the person i was when I was 16 again
That girl knew what she wanted and death was the only way to live again
I want to be great in all I do
I want to be the person that gives without losing
I want to take what I know I can take without
Feeling like a thief or taking more than life gave
Who am I to judge
Life gives everything
Who am I to say
I don't deserve any of it?
Maybe I was brought up this way
But there is still space in my empty gaps that will correct this mistake
I don't believe in family because mine was unbelievable
I believe in love and finding love on the way
32 years of age, I still feel like a child
So many things I haven't learnt and never will
I hope I can be my best
Whatever that is
I want to make them smile
I want to learn to truly love with all my heart
Without the social manuals of how it's supposed to be
Because I never will know how it will be
That's the whole point of life isn't it?