how i died and lived

 hi mate.

it's been a while.

guess you watched me grow up

as you stayed 16

where you left me to live where you died

a little bit of me

a horcrux i never wished for.

i bet you have so much to tell me

so much you seethe over.

i bet you are ashamed that i lived this long

sometimes.

because i think sometimes

you could've done it better.

i remember how you used to hold me when i 

couldn't deal with the sunlight

on my tenth day of insomnia

my eyes burnt

and i never burnt under the equatorial sun.

how you came and showed me the black under my table

we crouched there for hours

you and i

words etched on every ikea board seperating us from

total carnage of putting me into the world

together we created the abyssmal bottomless pit we so loved to live in

together.

the trucks never had good enough brakes in malaysia

and one of these days

they will hit me, i had hoped

every time i stepped in front of them

raping purity 

and fucking the world off

for all its hate.

you kept me from the demons

and the crashes

you kept me for yourself

you saved me for your own wish for death.

i remember you sitting with me

our feet dangling over 5 storeys of apartment

ready to fall

never afraid

because death already lay behind us

on the parquet floors of the bedroom

i think our blood is still there

between the gaps

you gave me clarity

i looked at you

bathroom mirror.

you looked at me

and said it's simple. 

turn the tap on and cut a small but deep fucking hole

and down the hole

you will lose your parents and their fucking hatred of each other

of you

of everything good in life

down that hole

you will find life

because this life, the B between A to C

is not worth fucking living at all.

I am at C now.

I still think like that sometimes, but I know it 

is just a memory

it is just you

reminding me, that I can always choose

but I have two dogs, one cat, 3 humans and many more

that i really fucking love

and for the first time in my life

i am scared

of suicide

my best friend, 16 years of age

you saved me

with our death

and sometimes i wish you weren't there.

but i am so glad you are.

because without you

i would be dead.