old wounds for new souls

 i am rusting

in the rain that poured these 8 years when i should've learnt love

but instead i denied it

my precious friend, lover, tribe

i love you but i never showed it

and i am sorry

if only you knew how much of me is in you

our bodies

i wish i learnt to embrace the freedom

in the sacrifice of pain

but i kept pain

i was a codepedendant

renfield to dracula

i could tell a million stories

i could've helped many die

because i know whose lives are at the end

i save others from life

but not myself

i stand here alive

guilty and remorseful

and i am empty

i remember what it was like

to feel the purity of love

climb through your spine and

make you whole

but i am so broken

that the meridian is broken

and falls through my gaps

and fall into my bottomless pit

of negative light

nothing lives here

but i

but i remember love

and maybe that is something

but i need a catalyst to my love formula

maybe someone will dare

but i understand

if no one does.

we can burn bright

if we do it together.

how i died and lived

 hi mate.

it's been a while.

guess you watched me grow up

as you stayed 16

where you left me to live where you died

a little bit of me

a horcrux i never wished for.

i bet you have so much to tell me

so much you seethe over.

i bet you are ashamed that i lived this long

sometimes.

because i think sometimes

you could've done it better.

i remember how you used to hold me when i 

couldn't deal with the sunlight

on my tenth day of insomnia

my eyes burnt

and i never burnt under the equatorial sun.

how you came and showed me the black under my table

we crouched there for hours

you and i

words etched on every ikea board seperating us from

total carnage of putting me into the world

together we created the abyssmal bottomless pit we so loved to live in

together.

the trucks never had good enough brakes in malaysia

and one of these days

they will hit me, i had hoped

every time i stepped in front of them

raping purity 

and fucking the world off

for all its hate.

you kept me from the demons

and the crashes

you kept me for yourself

you saved me for your own wish for death.

i remember you sitting with me

our feet dangling over 5 storeys of apartment

ready to fall

never afraid

because death already lay behind us

on the parquet floors of the bedroom

i think our blood is still there

between the gaps

you gave me clarity

i looked at you

bathroom mirror.

you looked at me

and said it's simple. 

turn the tap on and cut a small but deep fucking hole

and down the hole

you will lose your parents and their fucking hatred of each other

of you

of everything good in life

down that hole

you will find life

because this life, the B between A to C

is not worth fucking living at all.

I am at C now.

I still think like that sometimes, but I know it 

is just a memory

it is just you

reminding me, that I can always choose

but I have two dogs, one cat, 3 humans and many more

that i really fucking love

and for the first time in my life

i am scared

of suicide

my best friend, 16 years of age

you saved me

with our death

and sometimes i wish you weren't there.

but i am so glad you are.

because without you

i would be dead.

another fucking one.

 another fucking one.

another chunder of words,

like today's music i no longer listen to

like Rishi's bullshit

another episode.

another blackout, a sky without stars

another night turning into day

another parasitical mental sciatica

she cries, laughs, whispers, shouts, 

screams, breathes, fucks, lives

like me.

down the hole where Layne Staley is still singing

only to me

sitting with the spirits that claim me.

this is a wonderful world

so thin the line to the other side

parallel realities

wrongly wired circuits from

wrongly drafted diagrams to begin with

maybe the wonderful world is all about

creating it new from the mistakes

maybe it just is without mistakes

when does the line shift like tectonic plates

when does the line ever stay solid?

when will i learn to stay behind it

and when i do, am i in the right reality?

the rain pours to the left

and i let myself sway with it

damp, this mind

it collects water

and weighs heavy on my shoulders

holding words that refuse to leave my tearducts

for relief

this mind i called my own

i am the last tenner in a wallet

i am the dust in tobacco pouches

i am the last sip of Jack Daniels

i am the last lickable contents of a bag

i am the hollow inside you.

manchester days

how they fill me with a certain void sometimes

it feels like home

i am genuinely happy here i think

but sometimes

i get lost in all the grey.

she knows the roads and shortcuts well

she knows this city like the back of his hand

until today i still refer to myself in third person

when i am not very proud of the things i have done

it is easier to go through the judgment

the heavy sorrow

the scars i build 

that tattoos cannot cover

the wounds that piercings cannot fill

she looks at me

and i paint her eyes

to hide the shadows behind them.

to want.

 

Fingers shaking
Brain fuzzing
I feel the anger but I'm still stagnant
In my own resistance
I was a warrior and now I am weak
I watch evil slip past my fingers when I could have stopped it passing through by
Simply clenching my fist
I never knew I was so designed
By the social norms and upbringings that never were meant to let me live a life I chose
Because every upbringing is to feed a perfect extortionate system
I was embarrassed for awhile that I believed I was a punk
When I stepped out and stared from the shadows at things unwinding where they shouldn't
I stopped speaking out and I stopped knowing what to say
I forgot my words my brain my self
I left it all behind on a dark alleyway
Some people found my broken pieces and found it worth it to piece me up again
And now I'm whole im still convinced that something's missing because my brain was fixed the same
I hope I will become the person i was when I was 16 again
That girl knew what she wanted and death was the only way to live again
I want to be great in all I do
I want to be the person that gives without losing
I want to take what I know I can take without
Feeling like a thief or taking more than life gave
Who am I to judge
Life gives everything
Who am I to say
I don't deserve any of it?
Maybe I was brought up this way
But there is still space in my empty gaps that will correct this mistake
I don't believe in family because mine was unbelievable
I believe in love and finding love on the way
32 years of age, I still feel like a child
So many things I haven't learnt and never will
I hope I can be my best
Whatever that is
I want to make them smile
I want to learn to truly love with all my heart
Without the social manuals of how it's supposed to be
Because I never will know how it will be
That's the whole point of life isn't it?