heavy eyes, they say it all

i cannot breathe.

i cannot think the way i want myself to think because my thoughts are running over each other and i feel every scar on my skin revisiting the surface and screaming horrors into my sleep because my mind is as tense as air molecules struggling for air in a stained, overused kettle before they take flight and 

evaporate.

i try to place radiance where there is dark

in every single fucking thing i do

because shadows can never form

where there is no shine

but i smother myself with so much

until i am stood too close to the light

and my own shadows engulf the entire space 

of my being.

i want to feel the way i deserve to feel.

i carry myself like deadweight

promising myself the meaning of all this.

sometimes i meditate to such heights

where i feel completely ethereal

but always fall to the constant comedown 

that resides in the depths of permanence

clogging my will and draining my sight.

i want to feel the way i deserve to feel.

there are days like these

when i try to face the world

because it is expected of me

and assume that if everybody else 

cannot see the girl that digs her nails into her skin and

tears her hair out and runs into walls

at the flight of insanity

this girl will soon disappear

but there is only so much i can exert

before i revert into myself

and claim recognition with this

familiar pain i try to disguise and

push out.

i tell myself there is more to life

and truly believe it

because of you and because of 

who i have learned to become 

when i am at my strongest.

but maybe i will only settle on the ease of

believing it in all purity

if i dare to accept

that without this pain

life will only be as meaningless

as my belief that i am in complete control of myself.

it is with pain

where life is shatteringly beautiful

and all i feel 

is worth everything.

i want to feel what i deserve to feel,

so i need to stop fearing fear

and face it

and fight it

until there is nothing left to fight for.