everything is clear

you know things have changed
when you forget to look in the mirror
when you have to take pills
when you take a drag and
don't really care about saying 'fuck'
in front of your mother, it's never the same the way
i wake up in the mornings
not from sleep but
clogged spots in my mind
tainted
where you once dotted with red ink and
carved your name on my brain
like aboriginal art

you i was maybe
perhaps
could
but never will
i try to stay in a place
where time does not exist
for time is an illusion, they
tell me
so i try to make it stop
but i find myself skipping the parts
i wish to be in
life is drifting away like
seaweeds from a shore
and i'm following through
drowning
spluttering like
a helpless piece of
nothing

i sneeze a little louder but still
nobody hears me
i am getting old
i am getting deaf
i am getting blind
i am getting dumb
because i forget how to speak
and i don't see beauty
because i forget how to smile
and i forget how to feel

sun burns
dragon flies
heart breaks

i dream graphic dreams like head splattered on
car windows and splinters in your eyes
and they wonder why i do not sleep
those ignorant, innocent, happy fuckers

there was a time and a place where you had held
my life in the palm of your hands
and there was a time and a place
where you dropped me

and it's an abyss of which i can
never stop falling
so i try to space myself away from
physicality
and tear my soul apart like
how i did your love letters and photos
and movie tickets and your smell your memories
your life your life
i divide uneven proportions of myself
so perhaps when illusion breaks away and
i hit the bottom
it wouldn't hurt as much
for i'd already be broken.

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