Dear Diary,
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i.
He called me a slut again, and this time
I didn't even bother to ask why, because I am tired of
getting explanations that don't make sense to me. He
grabbed my wrist and forced me to say I'm sorry
and I did
because I knew there was no other way
because I knew I couldn't live without him
because I knew he could easily leave me for something
only he believed.
He makes his own assumptions a reality; maybe that is why I'm starting to feel like I am living a lie.
ii.
I spoke to B about my fights with A, and B said once more
"I am still here waiting for you, if anything happens."
and like every other day he says it, I merely nod and say
thank you, without giving much thought about the 'if's
because right now
I can't picture a life without A
because I know if anything happens, I will decay.
B also asked me why I wasted my time with A.
I said "Because when he isn't crushing me down, he's building his world around me."
"As a barrier to stop you escaping." Said B, and it was cruel how his words scraped open wounds in my heart.
"No. As a cushion I can fall back onto at moments like these."
I hung up and congratulated myself at how I managed to
make my words seem so real.
iii.
I went out with C and came home with a slap across my face, though I
remember telling A about my plans, though I remember asking him if it
was alright, though I remember him saying
"It's fine, go and have fun."
He called me a slut today and stopped replying my messages.
iv.
I am waiting for him, again. My credit is gone because I keep
ending up sobbing to his voicemail.
v.
He told me we were impossible. I tried to understand his side
of the story but I merely kept going back to
"He is wrong."
I try to prove it, but it's not working anymore.
vi.
I can't believe he left.
vii.
He is now just like many of
my previous chapters who had left without a
good enough reason, so in a way, I
morphed to become
who they imagined I had become, like,
when one said "You're too boring."
I became a girl who reflected zombies, who answered one-worded answers, who never listened to jokes and never responded to interesting topics, who blended with the background, the one who people never invited to parties.
I became the boring girl so I could believe his words; and that was when my life turned and I was led swiftly out of the shadows by a boy good at
stitching up broken hearts.
Then he said, "You're so childish."
I became a girl who was oversensitive and sulked, who could not take jokes, who wished to be loved, who wanted to be called beautiful, who wanted to be kissed, who wanted to be cared for.
I became the childish girl so I could believe his words; and that was when the mask was pulled off my face and my vision cleared and focused on A alone. Ever since then, I could not take
my eyes off him.
Then he spat on my face with a "You're so cheap."
And I still can't put a finger to what he meant, for I can't believe his words and I still wake up checking my phone for his messages, my inbox is still full from his vows, and I still clutch to his T-shirt and look through our hundreds of photographs.
I was not ready to believe his words, but when it is time for me to,
where should I start?
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