noir

my ears are mute
choked in by nothingnothingnothing
but the sound of my thoughts
coursing down my throat
musky and warm and
piercing through my ribs

i am bare
for all to see
scorching bitterness surrounds my skin
and my senses are numb

there are storms in my fingers
and thunder in my guts
my dreams escape
clawing out through my eyelids
scratching through my eyelashes
and freeze into permanence

memories i once painted
on the hush of the night
release into a choir of
colourless screams

crushcrumplecrispcold
no longer afraid
because every black hue
is a shade of comfort.

which way is it

these are personal shadows
formed by flashing weights
above my eyelids;
heavy and half-open,
as i slide into a netherworld
to stop the pain from seeping in
and dive through my layers of emotion
escaping light.

i have been accustomed to
the sense of black for
far too long
caught up in the dark like an
addiction
and i am numb to
every motion around me
except those that remind me of you
and every pain we have plucked out
to keep for the future -

- now.

those bright lights
blinding my sanity
drowning my thoughts
until i can no longer
say i am feeling alright.

my permanence is what drains me.

control

I reach for capsules in the sky
to swallow them whole
before they disintegrate
and poison the hues of the night,
as splinters of a song
caressing the breath of every wind,
latch upon my lips
and pull for a teardrop.

Weaving in
out
in out in
out into my mind,
substantializing my thoughts
between the fluctuating shades of my shadow,
as I walk towards a hollow light,
faceless and
deceitful.

My words have turned
monochromatic and
dry like ash,
plaguing my chest
to the tip of my oesophagusimchoking.


I wonder how it'd feel like
to live without a world of collision inside me.

droop

in my hands i hold
the weight of your shadow
and the pain in my soul

i let the night
graze past my mind
and feel myself
watching my eyes
crack
as the cold i can never feel
freeze my tears
from within

i have war in my guts
and hurricanes in my chest
a world of cause and effect
punching holes in my lungs

i gasp for air
sobbing uncontrollably
like a motherless child

in my hands i hold
the weight of your shadow
and the pain in my soul

the littlest pieces
that keeps me moving.

no heroes

there are hints
of a broken world
inscribed in the raptures of a dim sky
as a cowering body exhales a flood of
despair
- cornered and losing control

i am a collective of shattered souls
that have lost their way home

there are distortions on the surface
and complete disarray beneath;
we have no such thing as beautiful sorrow
in the coarse textures of my world

i try to balance on my mind
and its calamities
but i am drunk on a numbing affliction
excruciatingly dry
on the length of my thoughts

and i am free-falling
through a self-exhumed abyss

i can hear them -

calling me back
to a familiar place
where all is black
and soundless

muted screams
clawing at my eyes

natural disasters ii

and again;
sitting with time ticking my nerves.

my fists clench and
relax
to the steady pace
ticking me down to
the urge to lash
out
like the every vigorous brush of wind
that empowers my lungs
and freezes my emotions.

take me and teach me to be
as violent as the moodswings of a sky
where no gods linger.

and again;
i am surrounded by four walls and background.

i try to blend into the tiles
into the couches
into the loose hem of the curtains
so i could be equally objective
and utterly expressionless
but living
is never as easy as being
non-existent.

take me and teach me to be
inanimate
so everything hurts less
when i am thrown about by fate.

there are cockroaches that slither after me
through the course of my days
but as much as i run from what i fear
i can never run from the knots of my mind
where i am caught - alone and flickering out.

i am as destructive
as natural disasters
where the icebergs of my thoughts
crumble and expand
until they are all above surface
unable to escape the scorch
of a sky when it rages red.

take me and teach me to be
unbreakable
so the skies above will never
melt my conscience and thaw my emotions
until they disintegrate with the changing seasons.

parallels

the shadows freeze
like the life in my chest
and my shoulder is sore from
the stretched positions i have
forced on myself
trying to stay asleep

i see a blank canvas
dripping red
staining the tiles and darkening my soul.

there are plenty given chances of survival
if you believe in karma
so die now
and live on
reincarnated into this pit of
terrifying realities

but first learn to live with yourself
because suicide is something you cannot top
and who can prove an afterlife to be
euphoric?

there are times when my feet
are up in the air
and i try to balance on three fingers
counting down to the moment
when my bones will crack
and shatter
under the weight of my thoughts

To-Do's

I have written many lists
of names and places
and dates and also
lists of emotions I should feel.

I have tampered with time
and course of events that would've
conjured my happiness
so now I digest the fine division
between pain and loss.

There are familiar tunes that
wake me up to a world
where I still have to go on
though all else had turned to grey.

Sometimes I write similar lists
over and over and over and over and -
not realizing the repetition
of never being able to say
"I have gotten over this."

I have written many lists
some are crossed out
and some are thrown away
whilst some are still left
undone and
in a pile collecting dust and
tangles of memories.

happiness ii: severed

this
pain
is
torturing
and
scraping
and
burning
me
from
within
i
cannot
see
from
the
fog
in
my
eyes
as
i
try
to
let
go
of
the
past
but
i
can
no
longer
be
strong
for
myself
because
i
had
spent
so
long
trying
to
be
strong
for
you

so long trying to hope you will feel free without me i disregarded the ways to feel free for myself

let
the
right
love
in
let
the
right
love
go

happiness

there are a million tears
choking the back of a smile
around the world
and a million reasons left unknown and unexposed
clogging the depths of my mind

yet life goes on.

setting a soul free
by destroying it
is the last thing i would do
but it was the last thing i did.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

i could let your world
evolve around me
like it was before
when our fingers touched
but what good would it come to
for you to learn to live
for yourself?

it would be easy to come running back
but the hardest thing to do
was the hardest choice i made
and letting you go for all the love i had for you
was the choice i chose to face.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

not a single star can save me
only the conscience of
a broken heart
and there are a million tears
burning the back of our smiles
but one day when you
open your eyes
to a heart you claimed to know

you will truly be as free
as i wanted you to be
and you would feel it.