chipped

the trickles of heavy sighs escape
and i am pounding my fists on the
soft
of my thigh
searching for an emotion to latch on
and finding none.

the silhouettes of desperate fingers
clenching.clenching.clenching
i don't know what the fuck i am doing
but i don't feel lost
because confusion
is where my home is -
a warm feeling that clogs my breath
and taints the unsteady beating
of an old heart exhausted

rusted and misused.

welcome to a night of clarity
where all is murky
and my mind is stale.

chemicals & sharp objects

i pick on a tender part of inner skin
flush it with a wash of ink
hearing voices i do not recognize
yet feel at an odd sense of clarity

i have been to this phase of
self enclosure many times before
yet i have never felt this real;
stagnant and disguised
a face you remember only
for tunnel eyes and bitten lips

i play games with my mind and
fool myself a million times
by saying
i am feeling alright, just alright
even when i am
cringing at my own voice and
fuming at the multiple fuses i light
within the center of my heart
where veins are black
and joy is short-lived.

i would love to seal my lips
and never utter another
and never hear the sounds of things i despise
cracking a million mirrors along the way
to hide my crumbling features

shards of a broken soul

i have toxic running through my body
my mind is clear
and i smile a genuine smile
after a thousand broken eyes
and charred lips.

i am no longer the one
with a soul that reaches out
and cures the wounds under my skin
nothing more than a
tangled reel of broken cassettes
and tainted plastic bags
in the corner of the street
unnoticed and torn.

intoxication is sweet when
you don't wake up
and face a life the sun has turned
away from
since the day the moon collapsed
and burned down the
thousand stars upon my fingers

tasting iron

when i spend hours doing nothing but
write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and andwritendachewriteandwrahehchewith -

i take on a role possessed by
self-aroused demons
calling out familiar sounds that
pick on my nerves and distort my reflections
like a memory once washed away
creeping over me just to watch me
curl up
in attempt to sleep
because i feel

lost and hopeless and empty
and dark and dirty and
in pain.


... and i honestly cannot be fucked to stay awake
anymore.

the other side of

the midnights of clumped thoughts
revisit with sharp grips
like iron fire and salted wounds.

i am left with a finger pressing down on scorched throats and screaming pain, my heart pounding to no rhythm for me to live on and i reminisce on serenity but drift on states of daggers that cut through me like awkward atmosphere every time i turn around expecting a smiling memory but find only nothing

staring back.

//

i take two turns around death
like it had never left the line on my skin
screeching to explode and
reignite that thirst for
blank spots
i once possessed and drowned

with it, i left the part of me
that never learnt to float

i try my best to fit in the background
where all is still
and all is vast
but there is no space for a
mind this jagged and
out of place

i do try to make it
i do try

i do try to make it better
but things still hurt
and there's nothing i can do about
the fucking pain

//

i try to control the way i speak
i try to remain
significant to where i stand
in my life


but the midnights return and swallow me whole into a twisted hole of empty air except this time the black of it is a dense collective of strangled voices choking and cold and i am not ready for this anymore.

//

mother, it is too soon
stay stay stay stay stay
there are spaces in my heart i sacrifice
for you
and you have not kissed me goodnight
since the day i tried to
kill myself

//

my nails are a funny shape and colour
but it does not make me laugh
because my habit
of biting nails when i feel without
is now a daily hourly minutely routine

and there are still days
when i want to rip my wrist out
and count the layers of skin
that saved my life


just to spite myself

//

there are those who
teach you how to sew your heart shut
by attempting first
to break it

the first who does it
will always succeed and
the manipulation smashes you through
you believe it'll never repeat
and it never does
but the pain is constant
because it is after the second
when you begin to lose
passion
and gain a cold flicker
on the shine of your glance

and you take on a different smile
and a different laugh
and a different mask

//

i can not dare
to stand for peace
the wars raging in my mind
is where it all begins
without freedom inside
i will never be free

//

these midnights
are the nightmares i skipped
from twitching my fingers and
learning to hold my breath
out of water

and it was my second take around death
when i realized the midnights
never leave
because the dreams you forget
take detours and come back as reality.

//

lumiere

we look up to the same skies
and the distance fades with every
lightning bolt
crashing into empty spaces of our thoughts
as we slither into each other's dreams
praying for a miracle
we can't find in our own
because we have run out of hope

there is a thin line that separates
a touch of the hand
and fluctuating heartbeats that hold
a million messages that we
every so often might stumble upon
and decipher
past the border with a taste
of a sweet sort
on the tip of our tongues

we look up to the same
shade of sunset
listening to our hearts rise
as we fall in love again
with the broken little pieces
we hold in our hands
of a world so easy to get lost in
yet so easy to find our way back
to the place above
a line that taught us to reach out
when we run out of hope
and there is somebody there
waiting

heavings of a screaming heart

three lines down the page expressing
certain miniscule actions
that replace colossal pieces of my life
and scare me to think of choices

i blink away the blurred visions of dandelions
flying askew, crashing hard onto the surface of my cheek
burning me with a thousand unanswered thoughts
because chances are,
i never notice the way i move
in my sleep compared to a time
when i lay still and curved
inwards
eyes blank wide distant.

and the burden of different lives i could've lived
stand tiptoed on my shoulder blades
piercing through my physicality and
pulling down my mind

an orchestral mass of confusion and
terror
creating the notes to a suicide song

vanishing act

there are cracks we look through
for a better view
the window too easy, too clear
a way,
we search time and time
for simplicity but
always prefer the complications.

there are cracks we place our lips on
to intake a whiff of the
fresh air beyond
because things on our side
always seem too choked
too full of
our own creations
and we try to
escape
always running
and never stopping
as if there is nowhere
in the million spaces
for us to hide

there are cracks inside us
some bigger than others
from where we never seem to heal
to heal from pain
like a drug
it feeds on our life
like a drug
and we accept it

there are cracks we look through
and smell the fresh air
from time to time
we break ourselves into a million
just to find a crack big enough to
swallow us hole and
watch us disappear

shorthand

we tipped our glasses of
red hope and clarity
chugging down what was once
sweet
turned sour
like life on speed; on
drugs that paint mirages in our minds
and feign a reality

i write short poems nowadays
because some things are too precious
to elaborate on.

luminous

My lips have held a million unspoken words

and a taste of pain

slithering through my throat

teaching me how to control my breathing.

I have suffered a sunrise that burnt through my eyelids

and surged to my heart like a

runaway train with nowhere to crash,

a gaping hole

.nicotine

i denied the way my hands felt like

dry leaves

how the veins on my neck ached from screaming

and attempting to swallow light

to make myself believe i can be

fluorescent like swimming

pools and happiness

when all this while

i was nothing but

a forgotten street lamp

on the brink of life,

too bright to look at

but burnt black inside.