the other side of

the midnights of clumped thoughts
revisit with sharp grips
like iron fire and salted wounds.

i am left with a finger pressing down on scorched throats and screaming pain, my heart pounding to no rhythm for me to live on and i reminisce on serenity but drift on states of daggers that cut through me like awkward atmosphere every time i turn around expecting a smiling memory but find only nothing

staring back.

//

i take two turns around death
like it had never left the line on my skin
screeching to explode and
reignite that thirst for
blank spots
i once possessed and drowned

with it, i left the part of me
that never learnt to float

i try my best to fit in the background
where all is still
and all is vast
but there is no space for a
mind this jagged and
out of place

i do try to make it
i do try

i do try to make it better
but things still hurt
and there's nothing i can do about
the fucking pain

//

i try to control the way i speak
i try to remain
significant to where i stand
in my life


but the midnights return and swallow me whole into a twisted hole of empty air except this time the black of it is a dense collective of strangled voices choking and cold and i am not ready for this anymore.

//

mother, it is too soon
stay stay stay stay stay
there are spaces in my heart i sacrifice
for you
and you have not kissed me goodnight
since the day i tried to
kill myself

//

my nails are a funny shape and colour
but it does not make me laugh
because my habit
of biting nails when i feel without
is now a daily hourly minutely routine

and there are still days
when i want to rip my wrist out
and count the layers of skin
that saved my life


just to spite myself

//

there are those who
teach you how to sew your heart shut
by attempting first
to break it

the first who does it
will always succeed and
the manipulation smashes you through
you believe it'll never repeat
and it never does
but the pain is constant
because it is after the second
when you begin to lose
passion
and gain a cold flicker
on the shine of your glance

and you take on a different smile
and a different laugh
and a different mask

//

i can not dare
to stand for peace
the wars raging in my mind
is where it all begins
without freedom inside
i will never be free

//

these midnights
are the nightmares i skipped
from twitching my fingers and
learning to hold my breath
out of water

and it was my second take around death
when i realized the midnights
never leave
because the dreams you forget
take detours and come back as reality.

//