still under warranty

i.

and there it is

my total chaos and calm

glitching there in total standstill

on the scape of my mind

passing through the layered tundra of my thoughts

i find this place again and again

in sleep and in waking life

my eyesight gets worse by the second

as my mind clears

with every intoxicated breath that i release

i am whole

i am empty

a perfect circle drawn, severed and redrawn

by my mother's daughter

glimpses of her

the microsecond of microschizophrenia

of micropsychosis

this fleeting moment that is passing 

at the pace of the moon

i embrace all of it

and in this moment i see Ian Curtis, I hear Sarah Kane

and I feel myself

in my entirety

too big for my own skin but too small for this world

and i smile

this is the state of being awake

unwilling to sleep over these gripping energies

that linger over every pore

and hairs until they are absorbed

i do not want to wake up a different person anymore

---

ii. 

i realise that some mornings

i cling on to dear life to something that will not break, i guess

all-encompassing protection that smells like morning coffee

with arms that yield the torments back to sleep

i have found the broken pieces that fit mine.

it is a strange experience 

to feel safe, these days.

even when the sky is suffocating its grey dementia

and the comatose sun is unstirring

i relieve the depths of a mind i occupied so fully 

for so long

and step back into a life

where i could will the sky to be blue. 

and there it is

my death and second chance 

that i called my own

but now i let it go.

i have learnt that surviving is no trophy or medal to wear

around my neck or place on a mantlepiece. 

i smile

for once

in a long time

the smile of someone who realises who she is.

we are the post-traumatic generation

the genre of total healing.

----

iii.

i guess it is time 

to write this poem

because i do not want to forget this

if we love further than us

i will read this and remember

how you have always filled the places i had carved out from the pain

pieces i lay next to you

because you are there with open arms

and i look at all you carry of me

and realise how selfish that was

we all hold burden that is too much

for others to bear

and i guess that is why we hold each other sometimes instead now

i will do my best to never let you hold my pain again

because i think you hold enough of your own.

windows ajar

you look straight in.

sometimes these walls creak in the breeze and i feel my soul sink

further into its unsteady foundations

in disrepair and unaccommodating

a derelict place that cannot house yours.

i keep the doors unlocked for you just in case

it is better

to be out than in.

this is an ode to the feelings my heart is trying to comprehend

the same feelings that live in ways that

words will never tell

and in ways relationships can only break

through its shackles and social binding.

there are spaces left untrodden here.

love can rest there too

and that's okay

our bodies are tried and our souls are tired

and there are days when everything hurts from outside in.

this is an ode to friendship

and this is for you

when you feel like you are worth less than you are

this poem will live longer than us

and our pain and our doubts and our hurt

and it will always tell you

that between the nightmares and tears and k-holes

and health issues and total, complete panic

lies an impenetrable fortress holding undying light

where i thank you 

for being.