an ode to love

 this time i let go

because i am holding on to words that do not matter

so i step out and fall off the cliff edge of my mind

another mental suicide that never meets death

the loop of mental purge

and this time it comes for once in a long time

without guilt nor regret

and i finally see a glimpse of who i killed with my bare hands and buried

in a grave i dug for myself so many years ago.

i see for the first time that

the immortality of mental death

is a phenomenal thing

it scares me but somewhere in these alleys that now form

across the map of my mind

are familiar and revisited

catharsis through the purge of all thought

i empty the cache of my brain

and start again

to tell stories that i could never put down in words

here's a thought that just crept up;

perhaps i will never live

as much as i think about death

- whatever that fucking means?

---

sometimes i lie in the throws of sadness

bowing to its conquer

and ache for an entire world, outside looking in

unable to shed tears because the rivers have run dry

and there is never a chance of rain in my being

that raises forest fires and only burns

a volcano that has awoken with wrath from its slumber

i begin to draw the map of my soul, trying to find sense

in this terrain of tumultuous being i have never met.

i kiss a reminder of love

and i recognise him, eyes

peeking shyly over burnt out and tired bodies

my mind gasped at the recognition and i see myself

reflected through the windows that his eyes keep open,

his weak point for predators, an opening to his soul

but to me, the place where people can run to when the war on love begin

eyes that shut when all is pain on the outside

and will contribute to the solace that we all pay rent for to the evil corporates of the mind. 

in this moment, i am selfish, and i kiss a soul i know

can see me too

in this houseshare of

merciless and unforgiving pain

and deals with its aftermath everyday

the aftermath of pain can only be pain,

and we are the vessels that carry this viral entity

and because we meet in simple clarity

we are without

all of what we carry

the pain is phased out and silent, and i see only a soul

that vibrates for all the beauty of the world

and we hold each other, both just as mistrusting, both just as scared

ashamed, scared, vulnerable - already casting off the purity of what we feel in that instance

i laugh and i see so much of what the world has done to us

and in that moment

all i want to do

is remember how to truly love.

that was all i ever wanted, you know

before the hate

before the coldness

before knowing hearts, ribs and dignity could break into pieces that still remain unrecovered

by the people that say they love you

like MH370, like stolen artwork,

like items that fall out of a moving truck

like the person i once was.

and unrecognisable when you see it, a stray

a whisper

a mere memory i try so hard to keep forever in an impermanent world.

irreparable.

all i wanted

was for a world that could hold

the ones that feel it all

because the ones that feel it all

try to hold all of the world in their hands

because holding onto the world

is the only thing that will stop them from

disappearing into themselves

until they are nothing but a whisper of

a language nobody speaks

and nobody understands.

all i wanted was for love to take the wheel

to teach us and remind us that there is more

to the hurt and loss and loneliness

more than the bad press of love, construed by people who govern the tangible world and rewrite what Jesus was really trying to say

the people who rewrite what love means

and makes you forget how to understand another person.

trying to break the shied wall you and i and others like us have built

to protect the intangible part of the world

because we are the warriors that guard it

with our armour of endurance, pain and knowledge of battle

because we fight for love

and love is all-encompassing

never to be touched by sticky fingers

and the politics of thought and doubt.

all i wanted was to be part of the truest and purest

of life 

to live, in a life that proves to me it is worth living

because i really tried

again and again to prove

that i want to live it

and at some point

it would be fucking nice if that was reciprocated.

sometimes my entire being aches

knowing that our battle will be forever

because humanity has been replaced by

government

society

advertisement

distraction of our selves

and too many have fallen for it.

too many are blind and unloving,

fearing the hardship of remembering the worth of being.

i want to know what it would feel like

to know that i will never hurt again

i want to know what it feels like

to smile without the anticipation

of backlash

to know that all i do and say and feel and read and receive

is not a distraction but pure truth.

the consequences of feeling happiness

is sometimes too fucking much to bear

do you remember when you first realised when you learnt mistrust?

do you remember when you lost the smile that lived in the tickle of your eyes, and the curve of your lips

and when learnt that some things that break

are simply left broken

and that is simply unnatural

and unforgivable

and i wonder

time to time

like tonight when my mind is screaming

against itself

and i ask

who was the first to ever break a heart, a being, a person

and who was the person who took it all?

i want to know whose heart was first broken in our world

and i speak to them, into the night

i ask for forgiveness, reach out to the ether

and kiss them

and apologise to them for our ability

to create darkness that is darker 

than the shadows that are only casted by the moon.

and tell them i love them

even though i do not know them 

and i tell them that it should be

and only can be

that people must die from their hearts breaking

and their soul ripping away from a physical feeling

they do not understand

the first touch of pain

should kill and only kill.

and the only remedy, the only feeling that one must feel

is the worth of themselves

i will end this poem with a quote

because no one will every say it better than them

"what is life without a purpose?

and what is purpose without love?"

i plead to my readers tonight

do not ever feel alone

and if you do

it is a lie

if you do

you have to lie to yourself

with the truth

know you are never alone

even when you walk alone

and know

that i am there

writing this horror of a poem

wondering if someone else is also doing the same

because it feels simply and utterly shit

i have learnt to tell myself i am a waste of time

i know how you feel but know that it is a lie we tell ourselves

to fit in a world that does not have a place for us

because we fight for a world

that has never been given a place in the universe

we are the new and improved

and  will bring love to this plane of the universe

because this is the only reason

we as humans

in a broken world

exist

do you understand me?