enlightenment

Ash fluttering

to the sound of

guitars

fan whirring

cables

i am myself

by twisting out of myself

an empty plate

filled with contemporaries

one minute i'm there

one minute i'm not

a car alarm cuts through

the 3.43am silence

with a vicious slash

and the weak, flickering light

on the thirteenth floor of

a distant building call out to me like

warning like

reality

i exhale

smoke whispering to

the night

a flick of my finger

i feel like i am falling

ash fluttering

exploding to the ground

rot

my body is tired

a thousand years of insomnia plaguing my eyes

my spine is on fire.

i curl up, my mind is in tangles

i curl up

but cannot shut off

uncleansed thoughts pursuing

my every blink

my nails are jagged and

scabs keep layering over

wounds i keep renewing

my body is tired

my body is tight

my body is old

and my mind is exhausted.

i float

i sink

will i never taste euphoria

on the brim of my lips again?

my muscles are straining

i cannot move

and my skin is tearing apart

at least, feels like it.

my body is tired

so tired

and my mind wants to die.

contortion

there are no expressions to express
no descriptions to describe
to despise to resent to hate
the way you stuff silence down my throat
and regurgitate out false acclaims
of obedience.

you scrutinize me under
microscopic perspective
but you miss out the fundamental
emotions
because i have become accustomed
to hiding them well
so you scrutinize a blank sheet of
human remains
without ever understanding
who i am.

i find satisfaction now
in tearing up things that mean a lot to you
and mean a lot to me - supposedly
but i don't feel as easily now
used to slapping concrete on my heart
and i am less prone to getting hurt the way
i can make you hurt

you've forgotten what
i've seen what
i've been and how long
i have dwelled in the dark

i am used to immorality
so what you feed me is nothing short of
normality

you are trying to pull me back
to sanity
but doing it all wrong

one day you will crack and
go insane
and i will be free

bitter tunes

your double vision is clear and

your breath is heavy

with trying not to tear apart

i am trying not to tear apart.

it is not just a song that

threatens my heartbeat

but the thousand memories scraping at me

until i bleed inside and i can

taste the iron on my lips from when i

licked my self-inflicted wounds

to escape that night.

your eyes are burning and

your lips are dry

from keeping in desperate chokes

i am trying not to choke on

my tears

the tears that no longer show but

they are always there

on the tip of my eyelashes and

in a place where my heart cannot find.

it is not just a song that reminds me of you

it is not just a song that reminds me of

how much i hurt

there was a time when my mind died and

the song was playing like the soundtrack of

last seconds

i am the reminder of all that haunts me

everyday.

dive

the city is exploding with

crashes and

colour bombs

the view from where i stand,

where my cigarette smoke

can paint the sky

for special effects.

it is time for superwoman to

rescue the world

i play the game to feel sure of my make believe

for the city isn't really exploding

merely fireworks to celebrate the

irony of me

my cigarette smoke is just

cigarette smoke

i am no superwoman

no one to save but myself

but i just want to make my

jump from a torturous dream

sound a little better than

an end

and trying to claw for reasons

much more believable.

thoughts of a nocturnal

sometimes when you don't sleep

you spend the day up in a

high

wandering through hours of

reveries in waking

your mind is asleep and

your body's on auto-mode

it helps you through days

you don't want to be aware of

like everydays and

moments you live in.

you spend the day counting sheep

like lost causes because when it

is time to sleep

the sheep have run out

and you are back to wishing

you are asleep from the world

when the sun is shining

too bright to make me feel at home.

i don't belong in my dreams

but there is no place in reality

to fix myself within so i swallow myself in

and live timeless days

motionless

because things heal sometimes without

progression.