Appointment No. 4

It is a routine I have
Begun to dread
When the night touches
The core of our souls
And blackens them
I am faced with another day of
I shouldn't haves and why does it always
Come to this? and
I'm nervous to see you nows because you might think my lack of words and lack of actions mean I'm not giving my all, when I am always giving my all, and when really I am just so shaken and tired of feeling like this over something that has hurt me many times before and I am scraping for you to understand, scraping to stash away this horrible confusion you make me feel and clawing and ripping for the little bit of permanence from you that I more often than not will get and feel like I am again on top of the world, and believe you when you say things that make me feel like I am doing things right without having to face the sudden punch in my emotional gut when you suddenly say there are things you can't find in the canvas of colours I made for you.

It is the sick slow routine
Of watching my hopes soar
Until they touch the sky
Finding their way to pick at my flaws
Like itching scabs that
Infect and blind
They blind everything
They blind
Everything I hold out
Within your reach
Just like how
Positive plus negative
Will always be negative.

dreamcatchers

it is the silence of our thoughts that pave
the way it feels better than
right
when my hand is in yours and
i am scraping and clutching
to the skin of your mind
trying to live in you
and be you,
sometimes forgetting that the urgence is
not so necessary
because you are already a part of me,
and you have already chased away
the tangible nightmares that sought refuge
in the centre of my soul for
far too long.

it is the way our bodies fit,
in pace with fate
and the turn of your head when you notice
my glance falling on the soft of your skin
and the emerald glow of your
eternal eyes
when they meet mine,
that churns away all the ephemeral moments
i call fear,
and bring me the permanence of bliss.

we build around us and
inside us,
our world.

a world with
tides that will rise with the sun and tumble
away with the flood of passing rain,
with land that give us growth through time and
breathless shades of colour;
a neverending world of
life and forevershine
that will live in our palms
but not on our shoulders,
because we are willing to
create that much for each other.

mask

i am shaking like an earthquake
a hundred years away
falling like a suicide
off the high end

wherever i land will be
wherever i decay
and my fingers are clawing, clawing
clawing again

ten thousand emotions
but not one significant enough
and i am shaking, shaking
shaking away all the bad thoughts
and all the bad dreams
all the bad thoughts
all the bad dreams
but they stay
they stay
they rise and balance on the pit of my mind
where i was dumped with a large pile of
ragged hope and misled directions
where do i go
where do i stop
where do i start
where do i look

i am shaking
shaking like an earthquake
seconds away
and i cannot find the reason
to what got me here in the first place
where did i stumble
where did i crumble
the scar from the past
the black of it all
the hurt from it all
the pain the hate the pure shit

it's all coming back
it's all coming back
stale and tainted
i cannot fucking do any better
can't fucking do any better
i am stumbling
and crumbling
again.

stop me before i hit the bottom
because i am sick of climbing back up
just to breathe again.

char

the screeching in my ears
from the emission of the TV
on the other side of the room
is muted and thick
and i feel like i am
drowning underwater.

i cannot even tell if the frequencies are
shattering my insides
i cannot tell if this is pain
it is one of those nights
where every minute expands
and every touch is numb
and every thought is
set aside to collect dust
making room for the nonsensical foreplay of my mind
to tease its way
into my centered conscience
until i break apart
and feel
ashamed
for being weak
disgusted
for being out of self control
again.

it is one of those nights.


-------------------

relief.

The Realm of Bewilderment: Poems in Podcast

Hello musers,

I present to you two of my poems featured in my friend's independent podcast.

The Zone of Bewilderment 4

In it features 'I Can Hear Them Flutter' and 'The Figure in the Fog' which Rylan has so kindly added music to. :)

Happy listening, some nice tunes on there as well!

mental morphine

For a flashburnstrike of a second,
I am widened to senses that
Share your pain,
As your nightmares paint a picture
In my mind
And I scare away my own demons
Because I feel the bareness of yours.

I feel brave, though
Disarrayed,
To touch something once
Strange to me, and I
Embrace its familiarity.

For a flashburnstrike of a second,
I shudder and face your fears
For you.

And I feel alive.

For Us, I Dive, I Soar

These vulgar fears I let take a toll on me,
they discharge like unruly, sticky pleasure
from the barbed wired coils of a certain
chip in my soul that remains
discolored and out of bounds.

I tread carefully and gamble my release
on stepping into a place I once escaped,
hoping to conquer where I once was
defeated.

In there lies the knots of memories
I wish to chop away and
never learn to untangle
for the better of my sanity
and the sanity of my present.

I try, I try,
to never horrify
but I horrify myself with my thoughts
at specific reflective states of
clarity,
where I know I can be
as beautiful and you make me believe,
but I am too exhausted
to make the final jump, so I dangle
mid-air instead,
because it is sometimes a
much more comforting thought
to know if my feet are never on the ground,
I can never lose my balance.

But the comfort shakes
in the center of my nightmares
clawing at my mind
as I claw at your skin
until my wake of stretching inwards
ad screaming a muted,
familiar sound. I recycle
all the dark in me whilst I
still try to shine.

I try, I do try,
to never horrify, especially you,
but there are certain things that will
never rub off
from under the calm of my mind.

I just need to feel
that the language
of the past we share so
coincidentally,
can help you understand
that these scars of time do not mean
we are not healed,
and there is nothing wrong in
learning to live
because we finally want to.

Uprising

Oh, these wretched waves of black,
Drain away from me,
Pull back into the currents built to
Wrench me further and
Stray away from me.
I do not want these curls of,
Tension and whirls of asphyxiation,
Plaguing me again,
Like the last time,
And the last time,
And the last and the last and the last
and the last and the last fucking time.

Oh, these wretched waves of black,
Do not drown me,
Not when I have finally learnt
To breathe out of water.

Please.

Succulence

One day, I decided to
stop painting the image of
a world I expect,
beginning instead,
to paint over existing flaws,
learning how to keep their charm of
imperfect beauty,
learning also to morph their ways
to the best of my perspective.
There are days when grey skies
become grey moods,
but I decided to
look through such narrow blinds
and accept that grey is at least
better than black.

I laugh when they tell me love
is selfish
because my happiness is not for me
but conjured from seeing it
reflected in your eyes,
knowing it is because I am here,
around.

fragile

i touch the trickle of time
and visit its cold metal of
a familiar fear,
its hands twitching against
a stagnant face that stares
me down, urging me inwards and
away.

i wish the sounds that form
on my lips, were not
shadowed with hesitance
but instead, shone,
with a confidence i still
fail to unbury from beneath my skin.

i curl in every time
i feel the pressure
of myself dismantling.

it is such a beautiful sight
when the first thing i see
are those eyes
that move me,
each day i am gifted a chance
to open up to a world with you,
and i don't deserve anymore
than the trust i placed
in every breath we share.

i stutter and slip
on my thoughts,
unknowing of how to express
the intense growth of passion
colliding inside me
whenever you kiss my forehead
and daringly promise me your efforts.

promises that mean
so much more,
promises i hold onto
and cherish,
promises i try to claim
but do not need,
because knowing you are
by my side
is the only promise i ever need.