and see what you find

I wake up today in a body

too big to fit,

and things adjust differently

to my sight now,

there are clothes that are no longer

familiar to taste

and the lines on my hand are glowing.

I wake up to a clock

spun 24 hours for what

feels like ten years

already, and I am drained;

my eyes are hidden from

nights of pain 

and one night running from it.

I wake up today and am I

who I was before - ?

I wake up today to 

a house of secrets, a chest

of silence with my legs

cold and

numb from clenching my toes tight as I

scream awake from nightmares

conjured by myself

and the lines on my hand are showing.

I wake up today to pretense

and uncertainty, I can only

figure out why I am

weak; my hair is torn from

my wrenching fingers and my heart

is drowned with the

overflowing tears that spill like

words I cannot utter.

I feel like the sheets are of

a hue unlike yesterday's,

wrapping me now in

a darker shade of 

blur,

I wake up today in a 

world I have ruined

because the lines on my hand are real.

To know who I am

And in moments where

I am a whirlwind crashing 

down on mistakes,

where you are the air,

you held your breath to

slow me down

until I am no longer

my nightmare.

And I can feel your hand 

once more;

A reality.

i write because it hurts

moments we had

kissing under streetlights and

drawing hearts on 

each other's faces

until we led ourselves 

into furious passion

that crumpled sheets and

had you clutching me

against your body

until it hurt so deeply 

yet I still found the breath

to gasp "I love you"

because I do

nights of fearing

and reassuring you 

i am only yours

and you are only mine

singing songs that reminded me of

you

and writing poems to

push away hurtful things

you say

over and over

i say i believe you when

you tell me you love me

because i do

yet after it all

i can't believe

i have to once again

put in place

uneven heartbeats

because you decided to forget

me and my words

decided to make yourself

not understand 

that I still say

"I love you"

because i do.

chemistry

there was a short pause

in seconds and minutes and eternity

where I forgot to fend for myself

and let you eat me up

I left a part of me lost in

nightmares and

froze in an unpleasant stance

every day I woke up from

sleepless nights

I attempted a self-assessment

and

experimented with padlocks and

passwords I could use when I

felt it was time to

put myself away from

the motions of life

I attempted to take control

of the little I had

left in me

that I saved for myself

but somehow

I lost it all

lost it all to you.

=======

I continued searching for different

methods

to kill a man

or save one

I decided to go with 

the latter

because killing you isn't 

much of a satisfaction to me

anyway

because I remember telling

you once

"If you leave, I'm better off dead,"

=======

you are now finding ways to

scrape back to my heart

but

I forgot to mention my experiment

was completed

just last night

with the final addition

of

painful words

from you.

=======

it is almost

sweet

to see someone else trying

other than me

for once to

make things work

I am running out of catalysts to

pull me further inside

and I 

slowly start to

 feel your hand on mine

now

and your apology

actually sounds

real again.

I attempted to ruin myself

after you

but I am failing

because of you.

=======

I let myself believe that

another escape will

stop myself from

once again falling for

the candy you place in my mouth

with each kiss

candies with a 

bitter end

but each escape is

a door leading me back to

you

because I realize now

the trickle I get

when you melt my 

freezing process

is not a fraud

but

what you are

because you are

what kills me and 

what makes me feel

alive

strength and

what makes me weak

my destroyer

yet also my builder

my hurt and

the one who heals it

because you are the reasons

i am whole and I am empty

and also everything 

in between.

things better left untouched

you give me keyholes that I 

somehow always had keys for fit

and I find inside the boxes,

closets,

chests, rooms,

a million half-answered,

half-completed questions

mine or yours?

I realize I fear what I have

stumbled upon, I am 

afraid

to be just another 

along the line

afraid

to not be special enough

to stand out

afraid

to remind you of

the numerous 

stringless before-me's.

What if you look upon me

as our hearts entwine; as you grip

my hands so tight you don't 

want to let go

but forget the reasons why and

merely see

what used to satisfy you;

which isn't me.

afraid

to be just a satisfaction.

life on hold

I sometimes wonder

little things like why

I don't sleep under my blankets

anymore, why don't I sleep?

Little questions like what

do all these nightmares mean;

why do I dream, why

am I afraid to see; what am I

afraid of?

am I afraid?

I sometimes spend nights

counting sheep and seconds

in a song, wondering 

what life is meant to bring 

to me

to us?

I thought about

minutes and windows,

and asked myself why you

showed up, why we fell,

why I am still holding on.

I thought about

reasons that made

sense of your words that

sometimes are quite

unexpected, I wonder why

surprises can't all be

good;

why do I fear?

I thought about

unmoving seconds

asking if I had the power to

move the motion of time

to my own delights;

why is time so

unbalanced?

Why are there never

answers satisfying

enough?

icebox

i no longer sleep under

blankets and cuddle in

tight tangles

i do not yearn the feeling

of protection

perhaps i am now

immune to the cold 

prickles of solitude

and self confinement

that hits me in constant

shudders.

i do not let myself

melt with the warmth

now

i have many reasons

to give me hope that

perhaps if i could

stand the chill i 

can then learn to freeze

with it

for eternity

hanyut

maybe i'm built for no good

like buildings that give way to

earthquakes

and the rain that

paths way for rainbows

maybe i'm made to do grave things

like

be the soil for coffins and

the ends of a broomstick

i feel sick to the throat but

it feels good

the nasty gutting feelings

all

vanish vanish vanish

i like to watch them disappear into

smokes

and

brain damage

and

sudden laughter

it feels good to dream again

it feels good to laugh

maybe i'm built for no good

mutilate

it's again time for me to

strip myself naked of all

emotions and believe that

i am

nothing

shit

rubbish

nothing

nothing

nothing

so i can

die for

a while just to pause

my heart from

disintegrating

no matter how long 

it takes

i am used to

dying for

lengths of

time

where all i do is

listen to the 

hollow of my 

heart twisting me outside

in

until i am all but alive

and locked in

mind boxes

except the one speck

in me flying

free that feels 

good 

about the whole process

knowing i am still capable of

doing things to myself

however bad

the things can be

and i can still 

pretend

i am doing this 

because i want to and

not 

because of you

murder

you say the words 

words but

you tell no one else

no one else

but me

so i die

alone

crumpled like

unwanted paper

yet everybody sees me

torturing you

with the nothingness i give;

the aftermath of my

hurt

because all i want is to

vanish

and

disintegrate

yet everybody sees me

giving up on you

because you have

tears in your eyes

like

it is all

my fault

my fault

but they were

your words

in the first place

words

nobody heard 

therefore

nobody got hurt

but me

because nobody knows

what you say

when you

are

killing me