you were my world Part II

viii.

I bought my first packet of cigarettes today. It feels good.

I went back home and threw away the things that added to the substance of

who I was, like,

photographs, my favourite movies, and my favourite clothes.

I'm going to get miniskirts and G-strings.

viiii.

I met a friend while I wandered down the streets 

I used to spend twilight sessions in; he looked at my

cigarette and stared at my miniskirt and asked me why.

I answered "It makes me real."

x.

I had sex with D. He told me he found me an appeal,

and that was a good enough start for me.

After sex, I cried and told him I was using him, and I repeated to him what 

A had said.

He kissed my forehead and said "I understand what you're going through."

and took me down another escape.

So I let him explore the planes of my body,

because having him under my skin makes me feel safe;

it was moments like those when I didn't have to care what

he thought of me.

xi.

I don't talk to B anymore, because I realized he wouldn't recognize me

anymore.

xii.

I met E today. He was a nice boy.

He was great sex.

xiii.

I have become the person A had believed me to be,

so why do I still feel unaccomplished?

I tried a double effect, with D and E,

but the sex only hurt me more.

D wished he knew why. He asked me if A was worthy of

what I was putting myself through.

D told me he loved me,

but I could only pay attention to the movements of our bodies,

and I only replied,

"Yes."

xiv.

I stopped today and slapped D

in the middle of the streets, but he merely

hugged me tight and said "I'll stop hurting you."

Then he searched the crowds and his eyes met A's.

I didn't know he was there, too, so I walked away with

tears in my eyes,

a weak projection of

what I had become.

I heard D telling A "This is what you made her."

xv.

I asked D if he ever thought I was a slut.

He said, yes, once, in the middle of our nymphomanic tendencies.

Then he apologized, but I merely shrugged.

I gave A so much of my heart I 

felt dead when he wasn't around.

I am back to thinking of A.

I have not made any progress, and all I am stuck with now is

cigarette-smoked vision and torn up skin.

xvi.

B found me today. He looked at me,

and said I hurt him.

I said I couldn't care less.

That was when he took my hand and said

"Not because of what you are now, but because you didn't come to me."

I asked him what he meant by "What you are now" and he said

"Not yourself."

He said, "I would've been there for you."

I had taken my hand out of his, and told him I couldn't allow him to,

because I didn't want him to be just another escape.

He told me he would let himself be that if it could make me feel better.

He asked me if I wanted him.

I looked into his eyes, and all I saw was A, so 

I said yes.

xvii.

Nothing's changed,

only the bodies beside mine.

you were my world Part I

Dear Diary,

-----------

-----------

i.

He called me a slut again, and this time

I didn't even bother to ask why, because I am tired of

getting explanations that don't make sense to me. He 

grabbed my wrist and forced me to say I'm sorry 

and I did

because I knew there was no other way

because I knew I couldn't live without him

because I knew he could easily leave me for something

only he believed.

He makes his own assumptions a reality; maybe that is why I'm starting to feel like I am living a lie.

ii.

I spoke to B about my fights with A, and B said once more

"I am still here waiting for you, if anything happens."

and like every other day he says it, I merely nod and say

thank you, without giving much thought about the 'if's

because right now

I can't picture a life without A

because I know if anything happens, I will decay.

B also asked me why I wasted my time with A.

I said "Because when he isn't crushing me down, he's building his world around me."

"As a barrier to stop you escaping." Said B, and it was cruel how his words scraped open wounds in my heart.

"No. As a cushion I can fall back onto at moments like these."

I hung up and congratulated myself at how I managed to

make my words seem so real.

iii.

I went out with C and came home with a slap across my face, though I 

remember telling A about my plans, though I remember asking him if it 

was alright, though I remember him saying

"It's fine, go and have fun."

He called me a slut today and stopped replying my messages.

iv.

I am waiting for him, again. My credit is gone because I keep

ending up sobbing to his voicemail.

v.

He told me we were impossible. I tried to understand his side

of the story but I merely kept going back to 

"He is wrong."

I try to prove it, but it's not working anymore.

vi.

I can't believe he left. 

vii.

He is now just like many of 

my previous chapters who had left without a 

good enough reason, so in a way, I 

morphed to become

who they imagined I had become, like,

when one said "You're too boring."

I became a girl who reflected zombies, who answered one-worded answers, who never listened to jokes and never responded to interesting topics, who blended with the background, the one who people never invited to parties.

I became the boring girl so I could believe his words; and that was when my life turned and I was led swiftly out of the shadows by a boy good at

stitching up broken hearts.

Then he said, "You're so childish."

I became a girl who was oversensitive and sulked, who could not take jokes, who wished to be loved, who wanted to be called beautiful, who wanted to be kissed, who wanted to be cared for.

I became the childish girl so I could believe his words; and that was when the mask was pulled off my face and my vision cleared and focused on A alone. Ever since then, I could not take 

my eyes off him.

Then he spat on my face with a "You're so cheap."

And I still can't put a finger to what he meant, for I can't believe his words and I still wake up checking my phone for his messages, my inbox is still full from his vows, and I still clutch to his T-shirt and look through our hundreds of photographs.

I was not ready to believe his words, but when it is time for me to,

where should I start?