resurface.

there are no days to waste now

as the stones plummet from the cliffhanger

i have amounted to

i am close to gravity again

this freefall is the quick way for

hearts to stop

but

these things were not meant to happen.

the sky was not meant to churn its clouds so freely

over my head when there is

dry static in my mouth and the words evaporate before they leave my lips

striking back down, sharp and fierce

white flash.

these things were not meant to happen

i was not meant to learn through love

that it was something i lack

not because my love is always out of my hands

but because love was never mine to keep at all

—

realised my place in the folds of time

making do with the days i was unexpectedly

given to live,

days too young, days too old

to be timeless is really not

some kind of precious

i once thought it was,

in understanding you, i can

understand what is precious is timeless action

not timeless being.

immortality does not fit in this

unsmiling world, still and ungiving.

the world can only learn to smile

through our infinite perpetual motions

we leave behind.

—

come clean.

there is no dirt under her fingernails tonight

only the edges carved from the words that now

lash out at spaces where the only truth

left to draw is the blood that flows within the spaces

where unwanted anchors have lifted.

i lunge forward from the weightless impact

forgetting gravity in this moment

when i touch the love i left buried under the debris

of this little mess that had built around us over time

i cannot walk over this little mess

a little universe i can no longer abandon to

non-existence for it is not mine

to leave behind

what remains in place

but what i can carry i will take from it

to coexist with the worlds i never intended to build

in my lifetime.

—

this is the deadweight of

the tears that never reached the surface

this is how it feels to be struck

stinging and choked, so far from the fresh air

that rushed from our earthly strains

when we understand how fiercely

we can choose to love

the only war here

is the stand we hold

against the currents that divide

the universe that moulded itself

together for our existence

hastily trying to pull us into

the drowning sea of misdirection

i once realised that there is no secret to the formula of i,

or you

therefore does not become more impossible

if we are many

it does not make me a better person

to know your pain and where it hides

and will not teach me to love more than i already could

and will not make me more of an honest being

it will not heal the wounds dug out for your

safe keeping

for those wounds have healed and hardened

i only have to realise this

like i did once.

knowing how it feels to be you

doesn’t make it better

but choosing to ignore it

can only make it worse

i made a promise

and this is simply to not become

like the rest of the faceless world

x

when hope starts to sing along to your pain

oh how i tremble

oh how i tremble when i see my own familiar face
in the distance and i still find it hard to just grab hold

to just grab hold and reach for it.

i am standing at the cliff edge,
one that is big enough for
all the rest
this same cliff i once congratulated as a child for eating whole
snow white's queen
this is the cliff edge
the one with the strongest earth
because it can hold the masses at the tip of its finger

i never wanted to be here
but i'm here.
i'm here paying dull ache for falling
i fell for it, for fuck's sake
i fell for it, the convenience to not stick out
and stand there in numbers
growing numb
without any purpose;
to stand there and not have
the guts to even jump down
and somehow i am upset by this, but not because of the lack of movement

but actually because i cannot say anymore
yes i would do it again

just like that.

nothing can
further shame me from myself
i still blush at the way they look at me
eyes when they don't see i know they all are watching. i will not give up life
for isolation, it is as simple as that.

i can say my poems will
never be as cutthroat as they were before
but those words took a big part of my not many lives
and the words bled me out to
get out
now i can heal?

and on top of everything else, the way the world becomes so claustrophobic
because it is just you
getting sick of yourself
watching everyone
too busy getting sick of your 'condition' to realise you dont want any part of it
a second into the conscious next moment because
the eternal time to spend in that abyssmal black freefall
is actually piss boring to fuck, OH GOD PLEASE DON'T PUT ANYONE ELSE THERE FOR A WHILE!

Can everyone please listen to my plea.

she is behind me
she walks a lot alone now
that is how i lost her,
when the winds ripped her out of me because she had had enough
of the cold slaps
over and over
and my ribs could't take it so she
just stepped out

because of the wind,
that was how i am.

she is behind me
now
she is behind me, she is calling
my  name and she is crying.

she is crying for my return.

come on home
it's not the best of places,
remember how the curtains never shut
but remember all the colours?
it's not the best of places, i know,
but here is where you can salvage your hope;
that one that remains forsaken.

here is where you harnessed your weaknesses
to turn them into the strength you wanted it to be
when it best suited.
here is where you created your purpose,
remember.
remember hard, don't go on,
don't jump over the edge; we already know how it feels
we don't need this again
don't jump over the edge but stop
standing still; turn around

it is not going backwards if you are facing
your right way round

the vessels for your soul
are holding on for the dear life you have chosen
so why don't you
hold on for dear life too, because
it cannot survive a second time.

because the people may tell me
to save a life and a soul on the streets, like
it really would mean anything
because they could be doing what they ask you for, too.

to keep time

never forget.

the gasp you have gasped

every day since the first,

is because you choose every second

to have lived the myriad of colours that

greeted like the wink of a handsome dawn

all-encompassing and ever-growing;

these colours, which you could only see

in the dreams you kept

and in death, chose you to

choose this exact reason

to invert fate and live

- entirely.

never forget.

that in your lifetime

the skies carry on into your windows to

bring you the limitless flight

within the cracks on the wall that 

divides time and

space so stoically.

never forget.

this gasp that leaves you

one breath less to waste

on the spillage of stolen air

that get caught up in the

grenades that spew from your lips

at your blackest shade

and your spine holds a no man’s land

for the weak.

never forget.

we are not here to encourage

the same pain we chose

in our million lifespans

to leave behind.

never forget.

every drop stained

every note flattened

fills the score

of the symphony

we listen to at the heart of this kaleidoscope

that churns within the palette of life itself.

never forget.

these faces you will learn to 

draw with your eyes closed

over water

under earth

are the faces who will close their eyes

to draw you.

never forget.

that all this rage you feel is the 

kill that finishes that tip of our spears

we send into the unknown to

end the hate before it takes over

this utterly immense universe

creating a planet of solidifying ground

under our feet as we drift through the

impossible timeline of

now.

never, never,

bring the rage home.

never forget all this

that you hold now on the tip of your mind

and the rush of your breath

or else you will only hold the ghost of a memory

and remember the person who borrowed 

your skin and bones

the person you
only just began to forget.

listen.

listen.

listen to your pulse thunder through the shield 

listen to your life dislodge into fast forward 

then see it past you, this pulse that distracts

from the calm that you stoically wrap around your naked being

the paper thin sheen like muscle tissue pulls

at its most tested stretch, the risk of tearing

the risk of 

snapping

uncoiling

unraveling

unraveling

unraveling

unraveling.

listen.

listen to the silence, wait for it to deafen you

wait for it to vacuum you inwards 

spinning like a hurricane that settles for less than a hum

listen to it as it pulls at your pace

as it lingers around the corner

as it shouts

angry and loud

angry and loud

this silence is angry and loud

when you hear it from the outside

because you are always waiting

waiting for it to pass.

listen.

listen to the waves of reality

crash over you

a tidal free fall where you slip into the undertow.

listen.

but don’t stop moving.

the channels they switch off

the phone doesn't ring because i matter today.

the colours don't match from my skin to my shoes;
i am an unwashed palette
murky and lacking form.

my words taste sharp and sound rusty today.

i forget to place my pain into the melodies
that stretch over guitar strings
it begins to seep out in my godforsaken
muttering echoing the demise of an eighty year old woman
who has forgotten her place in the world.
it begins to seep out in the dull of rushed smiles
in the strain of my left shoulder
under the words that remind me day in day out
that there will always be room to become unfamiliar to myself.

words that make the silent screech
words that bring the dead back to life
words that send the monsters scurrying under beds
because they too need shelter from wrath.

the lies that wake with me are not mine to bear today.

they are the lies that belong to the ones who
left us behind, and i am angry
for this ugliness i feel does not sit well with the beauty
we summon so naturally on better days.

it is a sad revelation
of trying to convince an unbelieving world
that in finding you, i felt less defeated
yet the world tries to even defeat
this prize of years and years of self repair.
why
is love so abused?

today has been almost half a year of
an unhinged grief
that swells from the fires
of contorted paranoia
of tampered memories.
i have witnessed enough
to want to not witness it all
but to live it all.

i am not a victim of anything else
but this shameless blame
you fucking cunts.

we do not want this throwaway life
so many live
choked with ungrateful resonance
we do not want this life that hangs heavy
on the slump of my pillows
and the strands of my hair.

the lies had long begun before i was born.

there was never a time or place
before you
when i got the right answers
from the words of another human being
because there will never be an answer
honest to a question that surfaced from within myself
from people who never latched on to collective
consciousness, letting themselves become shells of
collected information.

sometimes
i am the eighty year old woman
and it is always a lesson to be learnt
to never listen to these thoughts
because thoughts never listen to me
they only rant and rant and rant
and rant
and most of the time
they don't even make any fucking sense.

sometimes
i am already dead
sleeping in a paralysis that even stuns you
as you sit by my side
fearing the state of cold blankness
when i open my eyes and do not
see you, for i do not see me

all i see in times like these
is the sheen of hate
that is not ours.

reality does not shift over my fears anymore today
and i do not shift over reality.

it is an ugly lie, fear
and people like us do not give fear that much credit.
when you are neck deep in its pool
and you are kept there with the mere idea of
watching the one you love also struggling for air
because then
no one will even attempt to float over with a lifeboat
this pool full of people too unfazed
to go off the grid that keeps them in line.

i do not want to be kept in line
but why is the alternative to become
deadweight thrust upon cliff shores?
why is it the norm
that though freedom is as priceless as its definition
but always highly contracted
when demand for redemption and imprisonment
is the only other option?
i do not want to be kept in line
but i do not want to be the ones they pick up
from the shores; we are not built for the news
and channels they switch off.

if i want to be unseen,
all i have to do is hide
under the waves
where the waters are calm
where all is dark
deaf and breathless to life beyond the surface.
if we want to be unseen
all we have to do is hide
but
why would we?

the bowing rain

these days are withered and damp

like the dying grass of Northern winters

drowned under the swollen earth

these groundbreaking waters don’t belong here

but they keep falling, falling, falling out of place

piercing into our skin through our pores nerves bones

freezing acid

reminding us that pain will force us

to seek shelter within ourselves.

this dawning year

dormant and unlived

is only just awakening, now

at the grovel of our patience

where the days have held 

the depths of paralysing sleep.

but we shed light 

in the shuddering darkness

for it is the light

that teases shadow play

and we are the good that feeds evil’s

never ending hunger.

fear only thrives in its job

alongside those that are brave enough

to keep its position credited of its worth.

these winds they shake even the strongest pillars

like they shook you 

like they shook me

we are the autumn leaves

dancing frantically until the whistling wind

pauses to catch its breath.

we have grown to memorise

mesmerised

our worldly beings as the map

to solace and away from every blow

this angry life aimlessly throws

because we have been shown

in sleep and in wake

the magic of our ethereal accord

can warm the deepest of chills.

the panic can only contain within the binds

of the pages for so long

before the smoke begins to rise

and the chapters have singed

the pages brown

catching fire for new ink to settle

these unforgiving times

they show us the hues we bathe in

teaches me to dive into the spectrum that grows

from the rainbow’s end where my eyes

open

and i laugh

i laugh at the unforgiving

and take your hand

knowing this time

hell will not remain inside us

because we are the ones

that travel across realms

and break from ties that bind.

fire in the sky

our grip is firm and unshaking
bearing familiar life,
like the roots that dig far beneath
the tundra of the earth,
searching through dark clumps of dirt
for permanent life matter
that will allow for the growth of the
strongest,
most upright tree.

your worn eyes, burning ever so bright
like fire in the sky,
they reach into me with such
strength,
and a purity so delicate even
Evil will not comprehend it enough
to pull it down from you.

i see my other self when i look in,
and i understand every unspoken word
that gets caught in the fray of
your breath when we are
wholly and all-encompassingly
mesmerised.

there is no pedestal, 
there is only balance, 
for finally, our hearts are
as free as they are full.
the holes roughly dug up and abandoned
are now wide open no longer despaired
nor vulnerable,
as they at last, learn to
let light in.

these words

these words are meant to hit dead centre

these words are meant to show how ugly you are

when the sun sets into the death of your eyes

and you no longer shine

no longer have that mask everyone has grown to love

including yourself.

these words are meant to be answers

but these words don’t fucking exist

these words do not wash the tip of tongues

these words are what asphyxiate and suffocate a soul that continuously 

tries to live.

these words rip your hair out.

these words pull at your ribs

causing you anxiety and nervous deterioration

these words hit you right where your honesty

brews, where your honesty

lies.

these words smell like soiled papers

these words smell like pain.

these words are mirrors

these words are mirrors

these words are mirrors

these words hit you dead centre

these words call you out

because you are a coward behind

these smiling eyes

this hearty laugh

this hand you reach out to so many who

ask for it.

these words are your own

they will keep coming

they will keep coming

they will keep coming.

to live, is the biggest breath of fresh air

the mountains move in the distance.

slanting over these trench lines, 

arched and sculpted through the 

wars raged over barren lands. these

front lines hold no army, but allow 

the breeze of my fingertips

to raise the earth from the silence of forgotten

and over trodden senses.

there were wars fought, lost and won

across this battlefield of a being

now making peace in the breaths of aftermaths;

blood that spills can only dry,

and so it does, giving way

for new soil, to dig through for sunlight.

this land will no longer be barren.

i feel these mountains move when i look in.

these windows with their frosted frames

and crumpled curtains, they open

to the frivolous bush fires that yearn to shed light

snaking through the landscapes of a newborn life.

the view is divine. the view is pure.

i will roam this kingdom

without maps

as these paths are best traveled through

muscle memory; deep down,

i trust that it is here

where i have always lived

it is here, in the heart of this kingdom 

where i will carry on living.

though my senses may sometimes be blunt 

and unfamiliar

i trust that it is here

where my soul will take me exactly where i need to be

among the folds of the valleys

where we will meet,

again and again

in eternal embrace.

the man without a shadow

and i,

together we will craft

rivers of words and fields of colours

forever.

this kingdom rises

under godly skies;

under our skin and 

under our eyes.

the view is divine. the view is ours.

where gravity fails

the smoke rises.
i am here again, staring at what time has left me.
the dusk is heavy, falling like ash in the wind
from a sky that hangs like broken fences
and wet clothing.
the monochrome folds have lifted
giving way to the colours of a mindscape
that echoes through the plains of what is
long barren and forgotten

all eyes are on me like
needles piercing my nerves
and the angels hide their faces
as their hymns burn to the ground
like the work of terrorists that live in mirrors

this is an unforgiving world
spitting delicate acid in the shy of the night
into the embers of our hearts
look now, look hard into the eyes of the dead
and find life that you will never understand.

lift my shade, see the colours
unfold like maps that lead you nowhere
watch me thaw
from the ice in my heart and fire in my soul
as i dance
as i dance
as i dance
with the demons

get caught from the outside
get caught from the center of
diseased beliefs and treacherous hope

count me in
count the steps it takes
to frown in the cold face of death
as it laughs at an immortality
you will never learn of.