tripping over buried jewel under my balance, i am still unknowing of how it took so long to find his shine in the grit of dirt beneath my pain-stained world and learn as he teaches to find hope flicker behind every comforting whisper and a healing heart.
but with every freeway
comes a tunnel
and i feel like i am once again plunging into the midst of a heavy dark where the light might misplace me as i speed through the clots of my miserably blunt thoughts, murky and rusted, without an end to show me out.
i tend to forget
about the vents above
to climb into and escape
upwards.
it is the worst to feel this way when i have nobody to blame
but myself
and i feel guilty for trying to find outlets because i am too afraid to admit to my demons and i try to understand why i have ended up this way but i cannot see through the regular black spots that tint my eyesight of a once colorful world.
and i wish i never forget the taste of freedom,
and i wish i never learnt the taste of freedom,
and how challenging it becomes,
yet how thrilling to fight for.
i held his hand when i was my freest,
without ever feeling
as alive as i did again,
when i put aside my insecurities
to haunt me a little later.
but when 'a little later' is
a little too late
and visits when your guard is at the lowest,
i wonder if throwing away the weight just for a while to attempt to fly was really worth it to be strong, as i head towards the skies without any security left in me to pull me back towards the ground.
i want to feel free when i am
with you
but i have to face my own ghosts and
live my own cages.
overflow
i continue to pick on the skin beside my bitten down fingernails when i have nothing to do and no cigarettes to smoke, and my eyes will zone out as i picture a series of cold, unpleasant imaginations.
some call it a bad habit
but i call it clockwork
ticking like a timebomb until the next explosion of thoughts that can almost (kill) suffocate me; it is an automatic structure of the way my body works and some may give it an alienating medical term but i'd rather just stick with "stress" to make myself feel a little bit better about myself.
there are still days when i am in need of
letting my soul fly
free - so i listen to music like Sigur Ros, A Perfect Circle and Deftones and capture lyrics like "you're into depression because it matches your eyes" and "overwhelming hostility"
so i try to steer away from the words and listen to how these bands have so much emotions they can teach me how to feel again when i crumble down from another session of "i need to run. i need to run. i need to -"
i wish i can fly
i wish i can feel the skin on my bones deteriorate with the wind as i disappear from a place at a time because i want to be somewhere else; under a rock or inside a box
or in your arms with my face buried in the curve of your neck
and tangles of your hair
and i will worry about my weight crushing your heart as i lie above your chest counting your heartbeat and i worry i will lose you
forever
then the clockwork begins a ticking and i will try to runaway so you won't face my disasters but i can never runaway from you because you keep me safe and allow me to curl inwards as you try to communicate when i just want to
fade.
i have decided to keep my hair long
but every so often
i will snip at the side of my hair that measures unproportionately short and keep it the same length as it was last week, and the week before, and the week before because it makes me feel like i am
still the same person
(as who?)
i refuse to take medication and that is why i give away my cough medicine and leave pills and tablets sealed and untouched on my table and threw away every single anti-depressants i was given because i shake my head and prefer the insomnia when they decide on a medicated slumber.
i do not want to dream in colours
if it is not my choice
this is a hollow and dark pit i return to every so often when i sit alone
and have no cigarettes to smoke and want to distract away my fingernails and i will pluck thoughts from the clockwork of my mind to release the tension
then i will look up
and think of you
and how i have the courage to laugh and dare to love because i believe you are worth the try and i get tingles under my skin when our fingers fit together; when you cover my mouth as i yawn and then kiss my back and have a secret smile on the tilt of your lips that only i can notice
and that makes me feel special.
and i want to disappear, again
but i want to disappear with you
because you remind me how to feel
like a favourite Sigur Ros song
when i begin to go numb
and sink into my bad habits once more
some call it a bad habit
but i call it clockwork
ticking like a timebomb until the next explosion of thoughts that can almost (kill) suffocate me; it is an automatic structure of the way my body works and some may give it an alienating medical term but i'd rather just stick with "stress" to make myself feel a little bit better about myself.
there are still days when i am in need of
letting my soul fly
free - so i listen to music like Sigur Ros, A Perfect Circle and Deftones and capture lyrics like "you're into depression because it matches your eyes" and "overwhelming hostility"
so i try to steer away from the words and listen to how these bands have so much emotions they can teach me how to feel again when i crumble down from another session of "i need to run. i need to run. i need to -"
i wish i can fly
i wish i can feel the skin on my bones deteriorate with the wind as i disappear from a place at a time because i want to be somewhere else; under a rock or inside a box
or in your arms with my face buried in the curve of your neck
and tangles of your hair
and i will worry about my weight crushing your heart as i lie above your chest counting your heartbeat and i worry i will lose you
forever
then the clockwork begins a ticking and i will try to runaway so you won't face my disasters but i can never runaway from you because you keep me safe and allow me to curl inwards as you try to communicate when i just want to
fade.
i have decided to keep my hair long
but every so often
i will snip at the side of my hair that measures unproportionately short and keep it the same length as it was last week, and the week before, and the week before because it makes me feel like i am
still the same person
(as who?)
i refuse to take medication and that is why i give away my cough medicine and leave pills and tablets sealed and untouched on my table and threw away every single anti-depressants i was given because i shake my head and prefer the insomnia when they decide on a medicated slumber.
i do not want to dream in colours
if it is not my choice
this is a hollow and dark pit i return to every so often when i sit alone
and have no cigarettes to smoke and want to distract away my fingernails and i will pluck thoughts from the clockwork of my mind to release the tension
then i will look up
and think of you
and how i have the courage to laugh and dare to love because i believe you are worth the try and i get tingles under my skin when our fingers fit together; when you cover my mouth as i yawn and then kiss my back and have a secret smile on the tilt of your lips that only i can notice
and that makes me feel special.
and i want to disappear, again
but i want to disappear with you
because you remind me how to feel
like a favourite Sigur Ros song
when i begin to go numb
and sink into my bad habits once more
eternal
i try not to stumble
and i try not to pick on
broken glass
again. i have learnt to
wash away my reflections
and create new ones
from the shine of your eyes
and you are the flicker
of hope
of my own Pandora's box.
though i ache
a blunt, cankered ache
i am relieved and
embrace the feel of sunlight
upon my fingertips
because you are the one
who steers away my storms
and never bring me rain.
it no longer matters
where i will find myself
when i wake up
in a foreign morning
far from you
because i know i will
always
find my way back home
to you
and find my place of reason
in the steadiness
of your heartbeat.
and i try not to pick on
broken glass
again. i have learnt to
wash away my reflections
and create new ones
from the shine of your eyes
and you are the flicker
of hope
of my own Pandora's box.
though i ache
a blunt, cankered ache
i am relieved and
embrace the feel of sunlight
upon my fingertips
because you are the one
who steers away my storms
and never bring me rain.
it no longer matters
where i will find myself
when i wake up
in a foreign morning
far from you
because i know i will
always
find my way back home
to you
and find my place of reason
in the steadiness
of your heartbeat.
delicate
i let my fingers
trace your bones
under your skin
and you shiver
just a little bit
as i paint a skeletal map
of your body
in my mind
for permanence
dreaming with a certainty
that we will be the same
in ten years time
our limbs tangled together
in a curl of intimacy
my fingers get caught
in the strands of your hair
and i laugh as your eyelashes
graze the soft of my face
and you see the pain
of my overflowing mind
in the smudge of a tear
as you stare into me and
ask me
not to leave you behind
when my thoughts take me
far away
and i will go
far away
when my mind wanders
and brings me to my hidden places
but you will always be
my home
and i will always come back
to you
and never leave you behind
as long as you are there
to bring me back
to the depth of your heart
trace your bones
under your skin
and you shiver
just a little bit
as i paint a skeletal map
of your body
in my mind
for permanence
dreaming with a certainty
that we will be the same
in ten years time
our limbs tangled together
in a curl of intimacy
my fingers get caught
in the strands of your hair
and i laugh as your eyelashes
graze the soft of my face
and you see the pain
of my overflowing mind
in the smudge of a tear
as you stare into me and
ask me
not to leave you behind
when my thoughts take me
far away
and i will go
far away
when my mind wanders
and brings me to my hidden places
but you will always be
my home
and i will always come back
to you
and never leave you behind
as long as you are there
to bring me back
to the depth of your heart
cigarette kisses
a smile i kiss
in the stir of the night
as we stare into our
familiar eyes
and i fly into yours
as you explore mine
learning to read my thoughts
your heartbeat is my poetry
and brings you
closer to me
reminding me that i am
not dreaming
when we lie together
without uttering the words that are
floating in the silence
around us
magic is in
every breath we slip
into each other's lips
as our souls intertwine
and you and me
become a part of
me and you
in the stir of the night
as we stare into our
familiar eyes
and i fly into yours
as you explore mine
learning to read my thoughts
your heartbeat is my poetry
and brings you
closer to me
reminding me that i am
not dreaming
when we lie together
without uttering the words that are
floating in the silence
around us
magic is in
every breath we slip
into each other's lips
as our souls intertwine
and you and me
become a part of
me and you
present ends
there was once a boy
who tore me apart
when i learned to love him
and blinded me from the sun
like an eclipse
and i will think of him
when old unwanted memories
revisit
at a time or place specific
like a stab of a knife
pain in your guts
and i wonder on the reasons why
i threw away my life
on a soul unworthy of me.
he was a boy
who opened my eyes to pain
and depression of a black hole
cold and hollow
yet i will think of him now
and feel good because he is gone
and i have somebody in my life
whose beautiful soul can
whisper into my heart
and heal every wound i built
teaching me how to relive the minutes
i have lost with pain.
and i now find
the courage to smile because
he keeps me together
as i learn to love him
and turn me towards the sun
when there is rain in my mind.
who tore me apart
when i learned to love him
and blinded me from the sun
like an eclipse
and i will think of him
when old unwanted memories
revisit
at a time or place specific
like a stab of a knife
pain in your guts
and i wonder on the reasons why
i threw away my life
on a soul unworthy of me.
he was a boy
who opened my eyes to pain
and depression of a black hole
cold and hollow
yet i will think of him now
and feel good because he is gone
and i have somebody in my life
whose beautiful soul can
whisper into my heart
and heal every wound i built
teaching me how to relive the minutes
i have lost with pain.
and i now find
the courage to smile because
he keeps me together
as i learn to love him
and turn me towards the sun
when there is rain in my mind.
rainbows
i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left you
alone
waiting for me to learn to love
as i rummaged through blind nights
trying to find my way back
to a heart stashed
cold and unbeating.
i saw the brightest shine
as the skies lit up
the day i learnt to let you in
when you knocked at the entrance
of a sore, unnerved heart
whispering of a secret emotion
i always had
buried under the layers of my
insecurity and self-mutilation
and every time you pull me
back to your side
when you notice my mind
is a million stars away
i embrace the beating beneath
my chest
because the smile on your lips
is magic.
i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left us
alone
but i will try my greatest
to create a breath of
fresh air
every new day the sun shines for us
as we stand together
hand-in-hand.
for the many moonshines i left you
alone
waiting for me to learn to love
as i rummaged through blind nights
trying to find my way back
to a heart stashed
cold and unbeating.
i saw the brightest shine
as the skies lit up
the day i learnt to let you in
when you knocked at the entrance
of a sore, unnerved heart
whispering of a secret emotion
i always had
buried under the layers of my
insecurity and self-mutilation
and every time you pull me
back to your side
when you notice my mind
is a million stars away
i embrace the beating beneath
my chest
because the smile on your lips
is magic.
i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left us
alone
but i will try my greatest
to create a breath of
fresh air
every new day the sun shines for us
as we stand together
hand-in-hand.
when fingers touch
i.
you are beautiful
because you tell me i am everything
when i feel like i am
not enough.
i have gone rusty with
poems i write smiling
and feel new to poetry
of a heart that has truly
found its place
in the hand of another.
"you are beautiful"
you whisper as you teach me
how to listen to the million other words
buried beneath
and i realize there is no harm
in loving myself
because to love myself
is loving you.
ii.
the way we write poems to each other in the same dark room and joke about the littlest things the way you imitate movie characters the way we sing our favourite songs and can't stand tickles the way we blend into the background of our minds because we are our own lives and moan about our days but love them anyway the way we can sit at food stalls for hours and know when to leave because our eyes speak words that need no sound the way you lift me up in your world and help me learn to fly and embrace my flaws and protect my fears the way you forget yourself and i remind you because we are each other's importances the way your legs fold nicely between mine your hair in my face my lips on your neck your kiss on my back my finger on your eyelashes the way i leave my smell on your pillow and yours on my skin the way the world can crumble and we still smile the way i get scared and you make me brave because you remind me i am whole the way our body heat create electric
iii.
i have had countless dreams of a figure
at the blur of a distance
as i stumbled and raged wars
with pain and distorted reflections
a figure who never strayed
and watched as i pulled away from the world
convincing myself to accept loneliness
though you were a figure
that was never, ever
too far to reach
until the day our fingers touched
and you whispered a way
to stop our hearts from beating
hurt
and pulled me back into a world
i had made disappear
and opened my eyes
to a dream that had always held true
because i'd spent too long battling my wars
blind to your hand reaching
for mine
to teach me what strength was
iv.
the way you cringe in embarassment when you stumble on words and watch videos of your college years the way you can tell when i can't sleep and massage my ear and scratch my back and kiss my cheek neck nose lips until i do and i wake you up because you are sleeptalking the way we share cigarettes and food and i wear your shirt and shorts and feel like i am you the way we can talk about nothing and everything and feel at ease the movie marathons roadtrips music life the way we know each other inside out the way you are always going to be my best friend the way our breath synchronizes their pace as we lie tangled in sheets the way my head rests close to your heartbeat and i feel at peace the way my dad can see the smile in our eyes when we are together the way we touch the way we hold hands and dream and laugh and love
together.
v.
and a million words cannot describe
the immaculate feeling of being
you and me
after all the
pain and
timeless wishing
and these words will never
show the world
just how precious your heart is
and i am scared to hold it in my hands
but brave because in your hands
is mine.
vi.
love.
is no longer strange.
you are beautiful
because you tell me i am everything
when i feel like i am
not enough.
i have gone rusty with
poems i write smiling
and feel new to poetry
of a heart that has truly
found its place
in the hand of another.
"you are beautiful"
you whisper as you teach me
how to listen to the million other words
buried beneath
and i realize there is no harm
in loving myself
because to love myself
is loving you.
ii.
the way we write poems to each other in the same dark room and joke about the littlest things the way you imitate movie characters the way we sing our favourite songs and can't stand tickles the way we blend into the background of our minds because we are our own lives and moan about our days but love them anyway the way we can sit at food stalls for hours and know when to leave because our eyes speak words that need no sound the way you lift me up in your world and help me learn to fly and embrace my flaws and protect my fears the way you forget yourself and i remind you because we are each other's importances the way your legs fold nicely between mine your hair in my face my lips on your neck your kiss on my back my finger on your eyelashes the way i leave my smell on your pillow and yours on my skin the way the world can crumble and we still smile the way i get scared and you make me brave because you remind me i am whole the way our body heat create electric
iii.
i have had countless dreams of a figure
at the blur of a distance
as i stumbled and raged wars
with pain and distorted reflections
a figure who never strayed
and watched as i pulled away from the world
convincing myself to accept loneliness
though you were a figure
that was never, ever
too far to reach
until the day our fingers touched
and you whispered a way
to stop our hearts from beating
hurt
and pulled me back into a world
i had made disappear
and opened my eyes
to a dream that had always held true
because i'd spent too long battling my wars
blind to your hand reaching
for mine
to teach me what strength was
iv.
the way you cringe in embarassment when you stumble on words and watch videos of your college years the way you can tell when i can't sleep and massage my ear and scratch my back and kiss my cheek neck nose lips until i do and i wake you up because you are sleeptalking the way we share cigarettes and food and i wear your shirt and shorts and feel like i am you the way we can talk about nothing and everything and feel at ease the movie marathons roadtrips music life the way we know each other inside out the way you are always going to be my best friend the way our breath synchronizes their pace as we lie tangled in sheets the way my head rests close to your heartbeat and i feel at peace the way my dad can see the smile in our eyes when we are together the way we touch the way we hold hands and dream and laugh and love
together.
v.
and a million words cannot describe
the immaculate feeling of being
you and me
after all the
pain and
timeless wishing
and these words will never
show the world
just how precious your heart is
and i am scared to hold it in my hands
but brave because in your hands
is mine.
vi.
love.
is no longer strange.
home
every now and then
i lean out for a puff
and i think about the boy
who threw his soul out the 27th floor of my apartment
and wonder what his last thoughts were
as his mind shattered
into a million broken bones
and the wind will sigh in demise
as if to decipher the meaning
of all the pain in the world
my ashes float in frantic attempt to seek
ground
and my feet are rooted firm
to the chair i stand upon to remind
that i am luckier to find balance
where there is beauty
and i reach out
to the boy and tell him it is not too late
when i say i understand
every now and then
i lean out for a gasp of air
and i think about the girl who
sprawled across her bedroom floor
with blood on her wrists as her mother walks in
and remember what her last thoughts were
as she drifted towards death
and thank life for giving her
the second chance of pulling her back in
and i will meet the girl
every now and then
when i stare into the mirror
and dislike the way my eyes
have lost their shine
but i am able to
reach in and
tell her it is never too late
to live again
i lean out for a puff
and i think about the boy
who threw his soul out the 27th floor of my apartment
and wonder what his last thoughts were
as his mind shattered
into a million broken bones
and the wind will sigh in demise
as if to decipher the meaning
of all the pain in the world
my ashes float in frantic attempt to seek
ground
and my feet are rooted firm
to the chair i stand upon to remind
that i am luckier to find balance
where there is beauty
and i reach out
to the boy and tell him it is not too late
when i say i understand
every now and then
i lean out for a gasp of air
and i think about the girl who
sprawled across her bedroom floor
with blood on her wrists as her mother walks in
and remember what her last thoughts were
as she drifted towards death
and thank life for giving her
the second chance of pulling her back in
and i will meet the girl
every now and then
when i stare into the mirror
and dislike the way my eyes
have lost their shine
but i am able to
reach in and
tell her it is never too late
to live again
to beauty
i am a horrible person
i occupy myself with my own pain because i do not like feeling yours i do not like the way you cry and pretend you are fine so i turn away and pretend things are fine but i can see it when you hurt and you don't know this because i snap at you and pretend i hate you when you guilt trip me and put the blame on me and i treat you bad because i want you to forget feeling hurt for somebody like me and i want you to move on though i am stagnant and will never move on because i want you to forget me i know you hurt and it hurts me too and i just want this to end and i want you to
smile
i am cruel
i am cold
i take your words and stash them away because i try not to feel and i want to stay cold because when i freeze and i break the impact is quick and much less painful and i want things to be filled with much less hurt because you deserve more than this and you deserve more than
me
i am dark
i am empty
i repeat lines from songs that sing about death and dark and i want to be rid of myself and i blank you out from my mind because that way i can sleep easier and feel less guilt every time i think up ways to die and imagine how you hurt when we fight or when i forget to eat sleep live i try to stay strong for you but you are stronger than me and i try to ignore this fact so you can embrace it and love
yourself
when you wake up one day and realize how ugly i have been
i occupy myself with my own pain because i do not like feeling yours i do not like the way you cry and pretend you are fine so i turn away and pretend things are fine but i can see it when you hurt and you don't know this because i snap at you and pretend i hate you when you guilt trip me and put the blame on me and i treat you bad because i want you to forget feeling hurt for somebody like me and i want you to move on though i am stagnant and will never move on because i want you to forget me i know you hurt and it hurts me too and i just want this to end and i want you to
smile
i am cruel
i am cold
i take your words and stash them away because i try not to feel and i want to stay cold because when i freeze and i break the impact is quick and much less painful and i want things to be filled with much less hurt because you deserve more than this and you deserve more than
me
i am dark
i am empty
i repeat lines from songs that sing about death and dark and i want to be rid of myself and i blank you out from my mind because that way i can sleep easier and feel less guilt every time i think up ways to die and imagine how you hurt when we fight or when i forget to eat sleep live i try to stay strong for you but you are stronger than me and i try to ignore this fact so you can embrace it and love
yourself
when you wake up one day and realize how ugly i have been
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