ode to the sleepless

i hit solid wall and

drift backwards.

the valley of emotions unravel, 

like loose string

caught on the crook of 

hope

fleeting pass

my skin is too tight for my mind

so i strip down to an inner orifice.

i run nowhere,

hitting blanks and

i undress the fabric

of my inner self

until i am all around me.

i felt unfamiliar,

dwelled too long

in the cracks my shadows

carved into walls.

i travelled sleepless nights

to a land i cannot live in,

so i stumbled along my footsteps

tracing the lines i drew and

never coloured in.

then there was a strange light,

trapped in the blinds of my eyelashes

drying from the storm,

and i found rainbows

in the shape of you.

i learnt to hit a wall,

only to fall backwards

into your entire being

and live in you.

i found in the depths of your body

the traces of me 

i absent-mindedly drew,

and ran to your mind until i

found the hues i long abandoned

from myself.

[i shine.

i shiver.

i soar.]

alive.

the barricades have lifted.

the emotions channel in as they

channel out,

igniting on the surface of my skin

where they intertwine and

bind my soul tight with the missing pieces 

intact.

i feel everything.

my senses escalate like an

upward avalanche,

plummeting to a plateau of

intense calm and unrecognisable peace

i have fought so many wars to reach.

love touches upon my center 

and i feel his emotions sliding into mine

in absolute parallel,

like the rush to my head when i

stand up too quickly.

i feel everything.

the barricades i built to

block myself reaching out

and the outside reaching in

have lifted.

i take a shy step out to embrace the unfamiliar

and all the energy around me

channel in,

surprisingly delicate,

taking me to an ethereal level of

utmost inner balance,

where light meets dark.

i reach my mind,

brooding in its lair

of comfortable distress,

and place my thoughts

into a space of clarity

i have so long neglected.

the barricades have lifted.

i open my eyes and see

everything,

through what's placed in my visual spectrum,

into the middle where

i learn to finally feel connected.

i feel everything.

the most i have ever felt

I think about the many things that occur

and make a difference

in a second or

a blink of an eye.

I think about the emotions one can feel

or lose entirely

in a minute,

in a lifetime - in a moment.

I also think about you

and the way your eyes surprise me,

the way they capture

my innermost joy and

shade my fears.

I think about me and the way 

I fell in love with you,

with your flaws and your strengths,

because love doesn't come wrapped in ribbons,

but it delivers nonetheless.

I think about the nights

when the sky is dry because our eyes are

drenched with sorrow,

but with rain there will always

come sun -

however long it takes.

There lives a girl

in the depths of my heart

with a broken window,

dancing patterns on my skin tissues

for she is now found and

reborn.

I think about her

and the pain she can now learn to forget.

I think about the change you bring to my life.

I think about my world now

colourful and ever-growing.

I think about you and the way you

smile when you feel my touch 

on your skin

on your soul.

I think about me

living the rest of my life with you

feeling the way I feel, for evermore

and I smile, too.

after the longest time of self-repair.

life can sometimes be like sunlight through tinted glass,

tamed and made to look easy to handle

until the full scorch when you turn its direction.

but once you capture the blinding truth once,

you'll never shake off the worry of looking back unintentionally

turning the world around you black with the intensity of

repeating the same mistakes.

there are days with you when my eyes are burnt

and i live in shadows.

i will sit and shake my mind and

constantly remind myself that i should never be afraid

of the fire inside me

because my independence to stand my ground

is not a flaw

no matter how sometimes it feels like it is

with you,

and i am better than waiting for your reassurance to tell me i am worth more than i sometimes feel.

i need to embrace that sometimes

i am not what you need

and it's what i do that you seek from me

but it's alright if i cannot give you everything

because i try.

i need to stop momentary fury

from making me reach out to you to fix us

when you need me to

dim the shine to fix yourself.

and i try to pave easier paths for you, for us,

every other day,

but the cracks on the ground are getting wider

with the thought that you cannot see the struggle within me

because of your own struggles

but i will cherish that you are more important

than my own imperfections so

i need to stop momentary impulse washing over the realm of peace i build for us because in there lies no place for my pain anymore.

The Light, it flickers

there is a shiver every so often
in the silence of the nights,
long sighs that graze
the tip of the moon that belligerently shines
over the pain

and teach us not to shudder over a new moon
because its pitch black
is only a temporary fix before
light.

i can whisper a million thoughts
onto my pillowcase
to cushion my mind beneath my sleep,
but there is always the risk
of facing these nightmares sleepless
for we all know thoughts will forever channel in.

these are the pieces we have to bear,
things that once never mattered
therefore never hurt as much before.

it is time to stop
and ask ourselves
if magic really lasts forever
in the palm of poetic fate,
or perhaps, how long
forever
really is,
because it can never be the only solution
to what reality tries to strike on us.

and it is time to stop
believing that fate will work itself out
because things are just meant to be -
because they obviously aren't,
when our ties no longer heal pain
but binds it tighter around us.

we can only stare at the light
until our eyes go blind,
and remember why it shines so bright.

Appointment No. 4

It is a routine I have
Begun to dread
When the night touches
The core of our souls
And blackens them
I am faced with another day of
I shouldn't haves and why does it always
Come to this? and
I'm nervous to see you nows because you might think my lack of words and lack of actions mean I'm not giving my all, when I am always giving my all, and when really I am just so shaken and tired of feeling like this over something that has hurt me many times before and I am scraping for you to understand, scraping to stash away this horrible confusion you make me feel and clawing and ripping for the little bit of permanence from you that I more often than not will get and feel like I am again on top of the world, and believe you when you say things that make me feel like I am doing things right without having to face the sudden punch in my emotional gut when you suddenly say there are things you can't find in the canvas of colours I made for you.

It is the sick slow routine
Of watching my hopes soar
Until they touch the sky
Finding their way to pick at my flaws
Like itching scabs that
Infect and blind
They blind everything
They blind
Everything I hold out
Within your reach
Just like how
Positive plus negative
Will always be negative.

dreamcatchers

it is the silence of our thoughts that pave
the way it feels better than
right
when my hand is in yours and
i am scraping and clutching
to the skin of your mind
trying to live in you
and be you,
sometimes forgetting that the urgence is
not so necessary
because you are already a part of me,
and you have already chased away
the tangible nightmares that sought refuge
in the centre of my soul for
far too long.

it is the way our bodies fit,
in pace with fate
and the turn of your head when you notice
my glance falling on the soft of your skin
and the emerald glow of your
eternal eyes
when they meet mine,
that churns away all the ephemeral moments
i call fear,
and bring me the permanence of bliss.

we build around us and
inside us,
our world.

a world with
tides that will rise with the sun and tumble
away with the flood of passing rain,
with land that give us growth through time and
breathless shades of colour;
a neverending world of
life and forevershine
that will live in our palms
but not on our shoulders,
because we are willing to
create that much for each other.

mask

i am shaking like an earthquake
a hundred years away
falling like a suicide
off the high end

wherever i land will be
wherever i decay
and my fingers are clawing, clawing
clawing again

ten thousand emotions
but not one significant enough
and i am shaking, shaking
shaking away all the bad thoughts
and all the bad dreams
all the bad thoughts
all the bad dreams
but they stay
they stay
they rise and balance on the pit of my mind
where i was dumped with a large pile of
ragged hope and misled directions
where do i go
where do i stop
where do i start
where do i look

i am shaking
shaking like an earthquake
seconds away
and i cannot find the reason
to what got me here in the first place
where did i stumble
where did i crumble
the scar from the past
the black of it all
the hurt from it all
the pain the hate the pure shit

it's all coming back
it's all coming back
stale and tainted
i cannot fucking do any better
can't fucking do any better
i am stumbling
and crumbling
again.

stop me before i hit the bottom
because i am sick of climbing back up
just to breathe again.

char

the screeching in my ears
from the emission of the TV
on the other side of the room
is muted and thick
and i feel like i am
drowning underwater.

i cannot even tell if the frequencies are
shattering my insides
i cannot tell if this is pain
it is one of those nights
where every minute expands
and every touch is numb
and every thought is
set aside to collect dust
making room for the nonsensical foreplay of my mind
to tease its way
into my centered conscience
until i break apart
and feel
ashamed
for being weak
disgusted
for being out of self control
again.

it is one of those nights.


-------------------

relief.

The Realm of Bewilderment: Poems in Podcast

Hello musers,

I present to you two of my poems featured in my friend's independent podcast.

The Zone of Bewilderment 4

In it features 'I Can Hear Them Flutter' and 'The Figure in the Fog' which Rylan has so kindly added music to. :)

Happy listening, some nice tunes on there as well!