no heroes

there are hints
of a broken world
inscribed in the raptures of a dim sky
as a cowering body exhales a flood of
despair
- cornered and losing control

i am a collective of shattered souls
that have lost their way home

there are distortions on the surface
and complete disarray beneath;
we have no such thing as beautiful sorrow
in the coarse textures of my world

i try to balance on my mind
and its calamities
but i am drunk on a numbing affliction
excruciatingly dry
on the length of my thoughts

and i am free-falling
through a self-exhumed abyss

i can hear them -

calling me back
to a familiar place
where all is black
and soundless

muted screams
clawing at my eyes

natural disasters ii

and again;
sitting with time ticking my nerves.

my fists clench and
relax
to the steady pace
ticking me down to
the urge to lash
out
like the every vigorous brush of wind
that empowers my lungs
and freezes my emotions.

take me and teach me to be
as violent as the moodswings of a sky
where no gods linger.

and again;
i am surrounded by four walls and background.

i try to blend into the tiles
into the couches
into the loose hem of the curtains
so i could be equally objective
and utterly expressionless
but living
is never as easy as being
non-existent.

take me and teach me to be
inanimate
so everything hurts less
when i am thrown about by fate.

there are cockroaches that slither after me
through the course of my days
but as much as i run from what i fear
i can never run from the knots of my mind
where i am caught - alone and flickering out.

i am as destructive
as natural disasters
where the icebergs of my thoughts
crumble and expand
until they are all above surface
unable to escape the scorch
of a sky when it rages red.

take me and teach me to be
unbreakable
so the skies above will never
melt my conscience and thaw my emotions
until they disintegrate with the changing seasons.

parallels

the shadows freeze
like the life in my chest
and my shoulder is sore from
the stretched positions i have
forced on myself
trying to stay asleep

i see a blank canvas
dripping red
staining the tiles and darkening my soul.

there are plenty given chances of survival
if you believe in karma
so die now
and live on
reincarnated into this pit of
terrifying realities

but first learn to live with yourself
because suicide is something you cannot top
and who can prove an afterlife to be
euphoric?

there are times when my feet
are up in the air
and i try to balance on three fingers
counting down to the moment
when my bones will crack
and shatter
under the weight of my thoughts

To-Do's

I have written many lists
of names and places
and dates and also
lists of emotions I should feel.

I have tampered with time
and course of events that would've
conjured my happiness
so now I digest the fine division
between pain and loss.

There are familiar tunes that
wake me up to a world
where I still have to go on
though all else had turned to grey.

Sometimes I write similar lists
over and over and over and over and -
not realizing the repetition
of never being able to say
"I have gotten over this."

I have written many lists
some are crossed out
and some are thrown away
whilst some are still left
undone and
in a pile collecting dust and
tangles of memories.

happiness ii: severed

this
pain
is
torturing
and
scraping
and
burning
me
from
within
i
cannot
see
from
the
fog
in
my
eyes
as
i
try
to
let
go
of
the
past
but
i
can
no
longer
be
strong
for
myself
because
i
had
spent
so
long
trying
to
be
strong
for
you

so long trying to hope you will feel free without me i disregarded the ways to feel free for myself

let
the
right
love
in
let
the
right
love
go

happiness

there are a million tears
choking the back of a smile
around the world
and a million reasons left unknown and unexposed
clogging the depths of my mind

yet life goes on.

setting a soul free
by destroying it
is the last thing i would do
but it was the last thing i did.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

i could let your world
evolve around me
like it was before
when our fingers touched
but what good would it come to
for you to learn to live
for yourself?

it would be easy to come running back
but the hardest thing to do
was the hardest choice i made
and letting you go for all the love i had for you
was the choice i chose to face.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

not a single star can save me
only the conscience of
a broken heart
and there are a million tears
burning the back of our smiles
but one day when you
open your eyes
to a heart you claimed to know

you will truly be as free
as i wanted you to be
and you would feel it.

little big things

There are still days
when I will stumble out of bed
to the throws of cigarette smoke
in a rush of a nightmare

But I have learned to
find solace
in myself
without having to cower in fear
over the make believes of my thoughts.

I will sit in timeless stupor
staring at non-significance
until the words in my head
blend into nothingness
until I see peace
under the debris.

And for a while
I am free.

There are times I will ache
an inexplicable pain
because I look back too often

Yet I learn that beauty comes from
what you choose to see
and I choose to see hope
behind every black hue.

And sometimes I look towards the stretch
of autumn skies
and think about
the view of the sky
from the other side
and contemplate
on how we
touch so many lives while circulating amongst six billion people on overlapping days around the world connecting and loving and hating and feeling and living and every connection will build and crumble and hurt and stain and heal and remain and they make memories that will last an eternity in the core of our minds.

And to imagine myself
in the middle of all this
there is a certain beauty of
impermanence
that shatters my heart
and takes my breath away.

stark reality

the beauty has crumbled
like dead petals
on the rough of my path
memories of serenity now
washed away
with turmoil and
miscontrued desires.

i believed there was never a loss
in losing a love once
so beautiful
because with it
comes a million memories
created
from the tip of our fingers
to pave the ease for
separation

i could see you
beyond the stars
a pale dejavu
of what was once -
and i learn to smile
but now i weep

as all i now see
is a storm ahead
and grey hues on the canvas of my sky.

i believed what we had
was real
but you were never
reading from the same page

and we were writing similar stories
from different chapters

what i was to you
will never be as pure
as what you were to me

what keeps me going
without you
you will never understand

because you are not.

as you mask your reality
with downturned thoughts
you drew me a confidence
that you took away
from yourself
like the stars you stole from my night

and there is now
nobody to blame
except yourself.

tilt

I once found the tilt of your smile
and cherished it
in the realms of my soul
but now i have flown
and you are far

soon enough
you will learn to find
the tilt of your smile
on your own
and cherish it as much
as i once did

because you are worth
your entire freedom

morph

i have always had tendencies
to stare at a blank wall
and urge the patterns to form
until i am surrounding myself
in imagination

because reality sometimes
can be too bland and
too wretched
for a soul like mine to handle

i have always had tendencies
to look at life
under a stone
where the moss is plenty and
darkness is thick

because i have let too many
beautiful things
disintergrate

i have always had tendencies
to paint a million expressions
to cover my face

because behind the mask
is a sight not worth noticing

i have always had tendencies
to reach for the sky
and claim the clouds mine

because i am in denial
that the sky will one day
claim me

i feel my way towards
a misty light
where absolution
is non-existent
hoping that when i will
miss a step and
tumble past gravity
i will keep on falling
until i come out
on the other side of the universe
and you will be there
to give me back the balance i lost
when i was lost
on the other side