I grew up in a world
filled with
separation and despair
but there was always a tint of
sunshine
behind the drapes of anger
frustrationcorruptdivisionmisguidance
I grew up
believing false words
and misunderstood a life before
mine
with paranoia as a parent
and confusion
a tool
Farewell, childhood
you have bid me no good
I have grown up
and flown
from your clenches of untruth
I grew up with a culture
divided and forced
I grew up with a life
drawn out and
confinedstuffedchoked
Farewell, childhood
you beauty is now stained
I have grown up and flown
far from your grip
I will miss my good memories
stashed away with the bad
Farewell, childhood
the little I had
I grew up
unknowing
with visions uncomprehended
blurred and misguided
I grew up up with
a love that fed
denial that brimmed
through the soul of the broken
I grew up unsure
with a thousand questions
buried
I grew up untamed
frustrated with
uncertainty
Farewell, childhood
I have outgrown you
you have failed to teach me
happiness
but I will find my own light
Farewell, childhood
you had bid me no good
with paranoia as a parent
and confusion a tool
Farewell, childhood
I have now grown up and
flown
I will leave you behind
my past
with everything untrue
and i will live an empty start
to fill with
an untainted future
Farewell, childhood
I have grown up
and flown.
bad habits
I am never as perfect a picture
you paint
- but I still try my best
because in your eyes
i am beautiful though my min
is torn
- still beaten,
tainted with a soul full of
fear and darkness, fear
and weakness and there are
many reasons to why i could
hate myself
and fear
and panic
because i would rather cower in my fall
than risk losing balance
when i try to be strong
I can sense how some words
taste bitter on your tongue
and hang in empty air
because nothing else fits
and I hate when I cannot
bring myself to open up
and sweeten the atmosphere
I have the tendency to
search for hidden things
I never really needed to find
but I still hunt, on
and on, because I have always had
the tendencies to hurt myself
with self inflicted torment
when i will sift through
thoughts of our past
i ache with a fury i cannot comprehend
a missing piece that will never be
sought
even though we are now
our own world
- and that is when i get scared as hell
because I wake up
to the wrench of a nightmare
there will always be rainclouds
in the pure blue of our sky
blurred and left unwiped
a bruise in the corner of my heart
the clogs that will never release
I will only hope to still find you here
when I wake from a distant call
because that is all that matters now
despite the callouses of my mind.
you paint
- but I still try my best
because in your eyes
i am beautiful though my min
is torn
- still beaten,
tainted with a soul full of
fear and darkness, fear
and weakness and there are
many reasons to why i could
hate myself
and fear
and panic
because i would rather cower in my fall
than risk losing balance
when i try to be strong
I can sense how some words
taste bitter on your tongue
and hang in empty air
because nothing else fits
and I hate when I cannot
bring myself to open up
and sweeten the atmosphere
I have the tendency to
search for hidden things
I never really needed to find
but I still hunt, on
and on, because I have always had
the tendencies to hurt myself
with self inflicted torment
when i will sift through
thoughts of our past
i ache with a fury i cannot comprehend
a missing piece that will never be
sought
even though we are now
our own world
- and that is when i get scared as hell
because I wake up
to the wrench of a nightmare
there will always be rainclouds
in the pure blue of our sky
blurred and left unwiped
a bruise in the corner of my heart
the clogs that will never release
I will only hope to still find you here
when I wake from a distant call
because that is all that matters now
despite the callouses of my mind.
fingers in the sky
There is nothing I fear
about lightning
because it is just a
passing collision of
clarity. Beautiful -
But I can fear the sun
with its everlasting shine
though its touch
is a delicate warm. The sun, she
shines
forever above
a glare that blinds and
sometimes burns
red lines on my
skin.
I am in love with the moon
yet i am only
in love with a reflection
tainted by the
everlasting shine
as it shares the
inevitable light
the moon greedily
absorbs.
The new moon sometimes seem
so much better
because I don't need to feel the need
to sit and watch
and I can own the sky.
There is nothing I fear
about lighting
but the blinding light
of a forever sun
is a risk that will
always burn in my mind.
about lightning
because it is just a
passing collision of
clarity. Beautiful -
But I can fear the sun
with its everlasting shine
though its touch
is a delicate warm. The sun, she
shines
forever above
a glare that blinds and
sometimes burns
red lines on my
skin.
I am in love with the moon
yet i am only
in love with a reflection
tainted by the
everlasting shine
as it shares the
inevitable light
the moon greedily
absorbs.
The new moon sometimes seem
so much better
because I don't need to feel the need
to sit and watch
and I can own the sky.
There is nothing I fear
about lighting
but the blinding light
of a forever sun
is a risk that will
always burn in my mind.
touch
there are memories that i'd handpick
and capture for your keep
but they are the ones
that linger in between our fingers
free and full to the brim
and i will not taint
an ever glowing shine
to temporarily ease
an ever lasting pain
i am in a state of mind
that holds heavy and bold
yet hollow in the middle
and you are the only touch i need
to fill up the cracks
with a substance so fluorescent
to pull me together
when i feel i am disintegrating
there are things we lose
in a natural disaster
that will never be replaced
but where there is ruin
there will always be hope
of a day the aftermath will
blow away
and i began to believe
my light had scorched dry
but this is the part where
my hurricanesdroughtsquakesfloods
take flight
because despite of certain holes in me
that can no longer be filled -
you are now here
i am in a state of mind
that holds nothing
but i have seen my aftermath blow away
and you are the only one
who can whisper away my nightmares
and recapture my dreams
and capture for your keep
but they are the ones
that linger in between our fingers
free and full to the brim
and i will not taint
an ever glowing shine
to temporarily ease
an ever lasting pain
i am in a state of mind
that holds heavy and bold
yet hollow in the middle
and you are the only touch i need
to fill up the cracks
with a substance so fluorescent
to pull me together
when i feel i am disintegrating
there are things we lose
in a natural disaster
that will never be replaced
but where there is ruin
there will always be hope
of a day the aftermath will
blow away
and i began to believe
my light had scorched dry
but this is the part where
my hurricanesdroughtsquakesfloods
take flight
because despite of certain holes in me
that can no longer be filled -
you are now here
i am in a state of mind
that holds nothing
but i have seen my aftermath blow away
and you are the only one
who can whisper away my nightmares
and recapture my dreams
black shapes
it is always a curse i have faced
when i create something beautiful
from the seam of memories
and meet with a tangle of tight
immovable knots that clog and
blacken.
it began when i left myself out to dry
because i admired the sun
until i charred into ashes and
disappeared into the wind.
he is the sky to which i turn up to
seeking a newfound solace and
tiny places where i can mend the cracks
inside my body
because he is teaching me to not fear
and i feign an everlasting beauty
that never darkens over time
because i don't want him to ever be
the reason to which i cry.
my expectations have always been
unrealistic
and strayed.
i have always been good at controlling my emotions
and feeling the greener grass beneath my feet
never sensing the effect of anything taking a stab at my heart
- i was my strongest shield.
but one day the world tore apart
and burnt me numb until i was as broken to the core
as the world around me in its aftermath.
i have tried time after time after
the longest time
to regain what i've lost
all my strength all my ground all my -
everything
but it is pure, blatant truth
that after all my angsty urges to
be free
i am still a girl who fears to sleep without cover.
it is time they should know
how every little thing that goes wrong
will send me
spiralling into the dark and
screaming for an outlet
and i will feel myself ticking like explosion
as i unravel into insanity
and turning inside out
like i always do
when i feel my heart
excreting a dark, dirty emotion i try so hard to forget
but always find a way to conjure it up
all by myself
like fucking suicide.
hurt.
cold. ugly. familiar.
when i create something beautiful
from the seam of memories
and meet with a tangle of tight
immovable knots that clog and
blacken.
it began when i left myself out to dry
because i admired the sun
until i charred into ashes and
disappeared into the wind.
he is the sky to which i turn up to
seeking a newfound solace and
tiny places where i can mend the cracks
inside my body
because he is teaching me to not fear
and i feign an everlasting beauty
that never darkens over time
because i don't want him to ever be
the reason to which i cry.
my expectations have always been
unrealistic
and strayed.
i have always been good at controlling my emotions
and feeling the greener grass beneath my feet
never sensing the effect of anything taking a stab at my heart
- i was my strongest shield.
but one day the world tore apart
and burnt me numb until i was as broken to the core
as the world around me in its aftermath.
i have tried time after time after
the longest time
to regain what i've lost
all my strength all my ground all my -
everything
but it is pure, blatant truth
that after all my angsty urges to
be free
i am still a girl who fears to sleep without cover.
it is time they should know
how every little thing that goes wrong
will send me
spiralling into the dark and
screaming for an outlet
and i will feel myself ticking like explosion
as i unravel into insanity
and turning inside out
like i always do
when i feel my heart
excreting a dark, dirty emotion i try so hard to forget
but always find a way to conjure it up
all by myself
like fucking suicide.
hurt.
cold. ugly. familiar.
urges
lava coursing through my veins
like fiery avalanche
i am splitting apart
peeling
from the inside out
you can see it by the way my fingers clench
and tremble every time i close my eyes
i rage mountains
fury
sea of torment in the full of my mind
where dreams once painted
a longingly blue sky
you are so desperately trying to
hold between your fingers
because you are determined to keep me shining.
it is times like these
when i try to breathe you in
but i am getting in all the wrong signals
when i scatter into frantic
helpless pieces
and i feel unworthy of attachment
to every morsel
of a world that detaches from every morsel
of me.
i feel violent inside
a suicidal tendency tickles beneath my skin
as i reach towards the dark
when the light begins to
hurt my eyes.
i blame myself over & over
as wish for the pain to bury under
like secrets that will soon be forgotten
in the mind of the world.
like fiery avalanche
i am splitting apart
peeling
from the inside out
you can see it by the way my fingers clench
and tremble every time i close my eyes
i rage mountains
fury
sea of torment in the full of my mind
where dreams once painted
a longingly blue sky
you are so desperately trying to
hold between your fingers
because you are determined to keep me shining.
it is times like these
when i try to breathe you in
but i am getting in all the wrong signals
when i scatter into frantic
helpless pieces
and i feel unworthy of attachment
to every morsel
of a world that detaches from every morsel
of me.
i feel violent inside
a suicidal tendency tickles beneath my skin
as i reach towards the dark
when the light begins to
hurt my eyes.
i blame myself over & over
as wish for the pain to bury under
like secrets that will soon be forgotten
in the mind of the world.
he dreams my dreams
it is a memory living within me
with permanence
the dangling smell of white, musky passion
clinging to the curve of his neck
the sharp of his collarbone beneath my cheeks
as i drift
into a sky of peace that reside
deep in his eyes
i venture into his soul
and find mine
complete and alive with
a thousand dreams that communicate to
the fall of his eyelashes as he
sleeps. a sound of a thousand angels
soaring towards the shine of summer
when i will quiver with a certain
sense of misdirection
i can breathe him in
from the air around me
knowing he is here
and though we are divided
through skylines of a thousand lives
he is always there watching the moon
shining down on him
knowing it is also
shining down on me
with permanence
the dangling smell of white, musky passion
clinging to the curve of his neck
the sharp of his collarbone beneath my cheeks
as i drift
into a sky of peace that reside
deep in his eyes
i venture into his soul
and find mine
complete and alive with
a thousand dreams that communicate to
the fall of his eyelashes as he
sleeps. a sound of a thousand angels
soaring towards the shine of summer
when i will quiver with a certain
sense of misdirection
i can breathe him in
from the air around me
knowing he is here
and though we are divided
through skylines of a thousand lives
he is always there watching the moon
shining down on him
knowing it is also
shining down on me
Confessions
I have never cowered
under the trails of intolerable lightnings
that failed to shake me skin tight
with every outbound shriek and
every bare flash of jagged white,
yet i have tasted the prickle of
fear
scraping the back of my tongue
like inverse cartharsis
as i ripped inside out trying
to bury away
within
colliding upon every self-conjured nightmare
along the way, because this time around
the shrieks forced in -
no flashes of white to
taint the explosion
with beauty.
the days begin to blend
a blur of memories
from a clutter of broken pieces
left broken,
and an equal portion
attempting to heal.
But as things turn grey and
harder around the center,
pain is no longer
poetic
until all that is left is
"i'm just fucking suffocating, you know?"
the skies used to tear apart
around the blues
to rain on me a future
vivid and bright,
but now it hurts to think,
now it hurts to write
and the skies scare the living shit out of me.
i am so tired. so resigned.
Stagnant.
i have a strong arm to lean upon
he is a haven where my heart of injury
stays safe
but i am still facing the insecurities
of turning away from promises
shutting away my thoughts and
running away from reality
yet i try my best to show the strength
of all the love i can flourish
in the midst of the hurricane.
like when i rage wars with a mother
but fear when her breath slows to
a mute echo
as she sleeps -
I am my million contradictions
but i know i now feel.
my tears have stained dry
with pages and pages of despair
and i try
to flush away my reminiscence
of
SuicideHatredDepressionBlackBlack
black pain.
my lungs are clogging up
with words i wish i could utter
but fear the sound of them
on the weight of my lip
words i try to smother down
with kisses of hope
urgent distractions
all i want to do
sometimes
is just to break
down
into a pile of bones
and cry. and cry. and cry.
and wish i can one day open up.
i don't know what to do. i love you. i don't know what i am doing.
i still hurt. i don't know who i am and
can't remember who i was.
i am weak.
Help.
under the trails of intolerable lightnings
that failed to shake me skin tight
with every outbound shriek and
every bare flash of jagged white,
yet i have tasted the prickle of
fear
scraping the back of my tongue
like inverse cartharsis
as i ripped inside out trying
to bury away
within
colliding upon every self-conjured nightmare
along the way, because this time around
the shrieks forced in -
no flashes of white to
taint the explosion
with beauty.
the days begin to blend
a blur of memories
from a clutter of broken pieces
left broken,
and an equal portion
attempting to heal.
But as things turn grey and
harder around the center,
pain is no longer
poetic
until all that is left is
"i'm just fucking suffocating, you know?"
the skies used to tear apart
around the blues
to rain on me a future
vivid and bright,
but now it hurts to think,
now it hurts to write
and the skies scare the living shit out of me.
i am so tired. so resigned.
Stagnant.
i have a strong arm to lean upon
he is a haven where my heart of injury
stays safe
but i am still facing the insecurities
of turning away from promises
shutting away my thoughts and
running away from reality
yet i try my best to show the strength
of all the love i can flourish
in the midst of the hurricane.
like when i rage wars with a mother
but fear when her breath slows to
a mute echo
as she sleeps -
I am my million contradictions
but i know i now feel.
my tears have stained dry
with pages and pages of despair
and i try
to flush away my reminiscence
of
SuicideHatredDepressionBlackBlack
black pain.
my lungs are clogging up
with words i wish i could utter
but fear the sound of them
on the weight of my lip
words i try to smother down
with kisses of hope
urgent distractions
all i want to do
sometimes
is just to break
down
into a pile of bones
and cry. and cry. and cry.
and wish i can one day open up.
i don't know what to do. i love you. i don't know what i am doing.
i still hurt. i don't know who i am and
can't remember who i was.
i am weak.
Help.
pulp
stretch.
cold space, tight like knives.
scrape. grip. scrape. clench
losing grip.
and it stretches into my soul
- rip.
ghouls.monsters.vultures.
my1000unfriendlyghosts.
slither, slither
(into me and) stretch. rip.
suck.
black stare; blank like death.
freeze. shudder. squeeze. mutter
-incoherent words
they freeze down my throat
like an avalanche.
disaster.
pain.murder.
pain.
torture.pain.
fear.
my mind collapses.
i am not free.
cold space, tight like knives.
scrape. grip. scrape. clench
losing grip.
and it stretches into my soul
- rip.
ghouls.monsters.vultures.
my1000unfriendlyghosts.
slither, slither
(into me and) stretch. rip.
suck.
black stare; blank like death.
freeze. shudder. squeeze. mutter
-incoherent words
they freeze down my throat
like an avalanche.
disaster.
pain.murder.
pain.
torture.pain.
fear.
my mind collapses.
i am not free.
aurora
i wonder if you find the missing piece
like i do
in the urgency of our kisses
and wonder if you notice my
fear
when i hold onto your arm
like a twig in a gush of
flood and i shift closer to you
when you are asleep
because i don't ever want
to find your skin
foreign.
i still face nightmares
of you
walking away
though you caress
the plains of my body with a
heartbreaking glance
and your
beautiful smile
and it is the most complete i feel
when i whisper to you
that you are the colors
of the rainbow
that fell from the sky
and into my dreams.
and you look into my eyes
and whisper back
that i am your rainbow.
like i do
in the urgency of our kisses
and wonder if you notice my
fear
when i hold onto your arm
like a twig in a gush of
flood and i shift closer to you
when you are asleep
because i don't ever want
to find your skin
foreign.
i still face nightmares
of you
walking away
though you caress
the plains of my body with a
heartbreaking glance
and your
beautiful smile
and it is the most complete i feel
when i whisper to you
that you are the colors
of the rainbow
that fell from the sky
and into my dreams.
and you look into my eyes
and whisper back
that i am your rainbow.
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