When it's 3AM and your eyes don't shut.

espoir

2012-01-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

it is the wink of beauty
captured in this moment
which echoes our dreams in such a way
i feel time trickle too fast
every time we touch
so i find myself panicking
when i imagine
waking up to the past of
a make-believe reality that will
lose the tangibility of you
and all that came
with you

everything is so real
yet flamboyant with
non-existent colours
that paint my thousand overflowing emotions
i feel like i am
losing grip
of all i wish to hold constant
so i pause for a while to step back and
catch my breath in wonderment
of the magnificence
of the view
of you

A butterfly's kiss

2012-01-02T13:03:00.001-08:00

there are intangible things that explode
with our emotions,
like the shudder of a heartbeat
skipping to the electric of our touch,
as we strip our thoughts
and lay them onto the bare night sky.

you remind me of the euphoria
we can reach without
going through the extents of
searching for it,
because happiness
will always fall into our arms
when we least expect it to.

as my mind rose and fell in the dark,
you plucked in me a chord of
collision
and shone through me
like a thousand whispering stars,
hidden behind the coat of a storm
that will now never approach my feet.

i was so sure i was centered
until the graze of your glance.

you are the wrong turn i took
on my mapped out journey,
yet somehow,
i am here, in all the right places,
facing all the right directions,
exactly where i've always wanted to be.

effervescence

2011-12-30T17:25:00.000-08:00

carry me down
the blow of the wind
and taint my eyelashes
with the tilt of a kiss.

there are souls that linger
in the depth of a heart
sealed and brooding
- never forgotten.

there are souls that are
ephemeral,
passing through, so unfamiliar
and wild.

float to where my thoughts
are curled in and silent,
and be the soul i have
known forever
a familiar caress to my mind.

whose eyes saw you?

2011-12-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

in mid-sigh,
there is a glimpse of darkness that shines
through the strands of my thoughts,
splashes of the world i lock away
in the canvas that is my mind.

i hold the weight of broken shadows
in the curve of my neck,
hiding away the scars
as i learn to heal an undying pain
that resides in my soul.

i have mastered the ability
to stack myself into loose furniture
and become the background,
because i know
lying deep down,
it is worth the wait, to one day
step out alive and
appreciate being at the center
of it all, again.

Blanche

2011-12-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

they are blind
to the shadows that
linger and hum
in the taint of my eyes,
spreading like a plague into the air.

everybody is yearning for something
but they never reach out.

i have room for a hundred
yet a million cram in
because i am always mistakened to be
larger than the world i balance on;
my mind is exploding
muted and white.

i am forever
fiddling with life
to test the impact of existence,
and it is a strange sort of calm
to realize the world will forget
to set its eyes on you
when you tip over the edge
one day.

claw

2011-12-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

these are lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
scrape. stab. stray. spit.
stab. stray. spit. stab.
stray. spit. stab. spit.
spit. stab. spit. scrape.
stab. spit. scrape. stray.
spit. scrape. stray. scrape.
scrape. stray. scrape. stab.
stray. scrape. stab. stray.
scrawl the lines that spell no meaning.
scrawl the lines that spell no meaning.
these are lines that spell no meaning.
pain
torment
pain
torment
pain
torment
pain
torment
just.fucking.stop.

take me.
take my mind.

-------------
-------------
relief.

the figure in the fog

2011-12-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

hello stranger,
those beastly eyes,
they smother me and stain
my mind with
burgundy thoughts.

take a bite off my soul
and give me a taste
- perhaps we are the same
when we shed our masks.

i don't need to cut off my toes
to fit in your shoes, your mind, your self,
to see the world the way you do.

hello stranger,
what rests inside those palms
you clench so tight?
is it a secret, a memory;
a piece of your sanity that
fell out of sight?

caress these ephemeral moments
sometimes they linger but
mostly they pass us by,
intangible and slightly opaque.

hello stranger,
your hollow breath
will fill my mind with wonder
and i wonder on the uncanny
shivers
behind every sigh we break.

we may stray
in the span of forever,
but will always return home
where our souls converse with passion
right where we left off.

in case of a fire

2011-12-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

sometimes i will stumble
through tidal waves
pushed under
long enough to strangle but
never enough to drown
until i wash up to the shores of my world
stretched. the pieces of my soul extinct.

i envision life without vision
and punish myself
for always finding contradictions
in everything and nothing.

i spent trickling time turning handles
to the right escape
but all the doors hold
memories of, memories of, memories of -
so i end up circling inwards
until i can no longer sense the burn
in the thresholds of my mind
and succumb to living with myself
every fucking second.

frost

2011-12-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

Hungry eyes
undulating emotions
they carve me chapters
from forgotten stories.

shake my balance
and awake my dormant soul.

the touch of dawn
whispering on my eyelashes
crisp and ethereal sight
of a song from a distance.

there are a thousand storms
rummaging through my thoughts
they create black rainbows.

course through my normality
and draw out my insanity.

it is a calamity that forms
in the throws of my mind
where i find peace
a corner of unnerving dreams
taking shape and
granting me my clarity.

hungry eyes
undulating emotions
i have stories yet to be told.

noir

2011-11-29T16:42:00.000-08:00

my ears are mute
choked in by nothingnothingnothing
but the sound of my thoughts
coursing down my throat
musky and warm and
piercing through my ribs

i am bare
for all to see
scorching bitterness surrounds my skin
and my senses are numb

there are storms in my fingers
and thunder in my guts
my dreams escape
clawing out through my eyelids
scratching through my eyelashes
and freeze into permanence

memories i once painted
on the hush of the night
release into a choir of
colourless screams

crushcrumplecrispcold
no longer afraid
because every black hue
is a shade of comfort.

which way is it

2011-11-22T05:46:00.001-08:00

these are personal shadows
formed by flashing weights
above my eyelids;
heavy and half-open,
as i slide into a netherworld
to stop the pain from seeping in
and dive through my layers of emotion
escaping light.

i have been accustomed to
the sense of black for
far too long
caught up in the dark like an
addiction
and i am numb to
every motion around me
except those that remind me of you
and every pain we have plucked out
to keep for the future -

- now.

those bright lights
blinding my sanity
drowning my thoughts
until i can no longer
say i am feeling alright.

my permanence is what drains me.

control

2011-11-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

I reach for capsules in the sky
to swallow them whole
before they disintegrate
and poison the hues of the night,
as splinters of a song
caressing the breath of every wind,
latch upon my lips
and pull for a teardrop.

Weaving in
out
in out in
out into my mind,
substantializing my thoughts
between the fluctuating shades of my shadow,
as I walk towards a hollow light,
faceless and
deceitful.

My words have turned
monochromatic and
dry like ash,
plaguing my chest
to the tip of my oesophagusimchoking.

I wonder how it'd feel like
to live without a world of collision inside me.

droop

2011-10-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

in my hands i hold
the weight of your shadow
and the pain in my soul

i let the night
graze past my mind
and feel myself
watching my eyes
crack
as the cold i can never feel
freeze my tears
from within

i have war in my guts
and hurricanes in my chest
a world of cause and effect
punching holes in my lungs

i gasp for air
sobbing uncontrollably
like a motherless child

in my hands i hold
the weight of your shadow
and the pain in my soul

the littlest pieces
that keeps me moving.

no heroes

2011-10-30T18:11:00.001-07:00

there are hints
of a broken world
inscribed in the raptures of a dim sky
as a cowering body exhales a flood of
despair
- cornered and losing control

i am a collective of shattered souls
that have lost their way home

there are distortions on the surface
and complete disarray beneath;
we have no such thing as beautiful sorrow
in the coarse textures of my world

i try to balance on my mind
and its calamities
but i am drunk on a numbing affliction
excruciatingly dry
on the length of my thoughts

and i am free-falling
through a self-exhumed abyss

i can hear them -

calling me back
to a familiar place
where all is black
and soundless

muted screams
clawing at my eyes

natural disasters ii

2011-10-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

and again;
sitting with time ticking my nerves.

my fists clench and
relax
to the steady pace
ticking me down to
the urge to lash
out
like the every vigorous brush of wind
that empowers my lungs
and freezes my emotions.

take me and teach me to be
as violent as the moodswings of a sky
where no gods linger.

and again;
i am surrounded by four walls and background.

i try to blend into the tiles
into the couches
into the loose hem of the curtains
so i could be equally objective
and utterly expressionless
but living
is never as easy as being
non-existent.

take me and teach me to be
inanimate
so everything hurts less
when i am thrown about by fate.

there are cockroaches that slither after me
through the course of my days
but as much as i run from what i fear
i can never run from the knots of my mind
where i am caught - alone and flickering out.

i am as destructive
as natural disasters
where the icebergs of my thoughts
crumble and expand
until they are all above surface
unable to escape the scorch
of a sky when it rages red.

take me and teach me to be
unbreakable
so the skies above will never
melt my conscience and thaw my emotions
until they disintegrate with the changing seasons.

parallels

2011-10-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

the shadows freeze
like the life in my chest
and my shoulder is sore from
the stretched positions i have
forced on myself
trying to stay asleep

i see a blank canvas
dripping red
staining the tiles and darkening my soul.

there are plenty given chances of survival
if you believe in karma
so die now
and live on
reincarnated into this pit of
terrifying realities

but first learn to live with yourself
because suicide is something you cannot top
and who can prove an afterlife to be
euphoric?

there are times when my feet
are up in the air
and i try to balance on three fingers
counting down to the moment
when my bones will crack
and shatter
under the weight of my thoughts

To-Do's

2011-10-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have written many lists
of names and places
and dates and also
lists of emotions I should feel.

I have tampered with time
and course of events that would've
conjured my happiness
so now I digest the fine division
between pain and loss.

There are familiar tunes that
wake me up to a world
where I still have to go on
though all else had turned to grey.

Sometimes I write similar lists
over and over and over and over and -
not realizing the repetition
of never being able to say
"I have gotten over this."

I have written many lists
some are crossed out
and some are thrown away
whilst some are still left
undone and
in a pile collecting dust and
tangles of memories.

happiness ii: severed

2011-10-20T08:01:00.001-07:00

this
pain
is
torturing
and
scraping
and
burning
me
from
within
i
cannot
see
from
the
fog
in
my
eyes
as
i
try
to
let
go
of
the
past
but
i
can
no
longer
be
strong
for
myself
because
i
had
spent
so
long
trying
to
be
strong
for
you

so long trying to hope you will feel free without me i disregarded the ways to feel free for myself

let
the
right
love
in
let
the
right
love
go

happiness

2011-10-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

there are a million tears
choking the back of a smile
around the world
and a million reasons left unknown and unexposed
clogging the depths of my mind

yet life goes on.

setting a soul free
by destroying it
is the last thing i would do
but it was the last thing i did.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

i could let your world
evolve around me
like it was before
when our fingers touched
but what good would it come to
for you to learn to live
for yourself?

it would be easy to come running back
but the hardest thing to do
was the hardest choice i made
and letting you go for all the love i had for you
was the choice i chose to face.

if only you could see
then you would feel it.

not a single star can save me
only the conscience of
a broken heart
and there are a million tears
burning the back of our smiles
but one day when you
open your eyes
to a heart you claimed to know

you will truly be as free
as i wanted you to be
and you would feel it.

little big things

2011-09-28T06:05:00.001-07:00

There are still days
when I will stumble out of bed
to the throws of cigarette smoke
in a rush of a nightmare

But I have learned to
find solace
in myself
without having to cower in fear
over the make believes of my thoughts.

I will sit in timeless stupor
staring at non-significance
until the words in my head
blend into nothingness
until I see peace
under the debris.

And for a while
I am free.

There are times I will ache
an inexplicable pain
because I look back too often

Yet I learn that beauty comes from
what you choose to see
and I choose to see hope
behind every black hue.

And sometimes I look towards the stretch
of autumn skies
and think about
the view of the sky
from the other side
and contemplate
on how we
touch so many lives while circulating amongst six billion people on overlapping days around the world connecting and loving and hating and feeling and living and every connection will build and crumble and hurt and stain and heal and remain and they make memories that will last an eternity in the core of our minds.

And to imagine myself
in the middle of all this
there is a certain beauty of
impermanence
that shatters my heart
and takes my breath away.

stark reality

2011-09-19T10:42:00.001-07:00

the beauty has crumbled
like dead petals
on the rough of my path
memories of serenity now
washed away
with turmoil and
miscontrued desires.

i believed there was never a loss
in losing a love once
so beautiful
because with it
comes a million memories
created
from the tip of our fingers
to pave the ease for
separation

i could see you
beyond the stars
a pale dejavu
of what was once -
and i learn to smile
but now i weep

as all i now see
is a storm ahead
and grey hues on the canvas of my sky.

i believed what we had
was real
but you were never
reading from the same page

and we were writing similar stories
from different chapters

what i was to you
will never be as pure
as what you were to me

what keeps me going
without you
you will never understand

because you are not.

as you mask your reality
with downturned thoughts
you drew me a confidence
that you took away
from yourself
like the stars you stole from my night

and there is now
nobody to blame
except yourself.

tilt

2011-09-12T18:23:00.001-07:00

I once found the tilt of your smile
and cherished it
in the realms of my soul
but now i have flown
and you are far

soon enough
you will learn to find
the tilt of your smile
on your own
and cherish it as much
as i once did

because you are worth
your entire freedom

morph

2011-09-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

i have always had tendencies
to stare at a blank wall
and urge the patterns to form
until i am surrounding myself
in imagination

because reality sometimes
can be too bland and
too wretched
for a soul like mine to handle

i have always had tendencies
to look at life
under a stone
where the moss is plenty and
darkness is thick

because i have let too many
beautiful things
disintergrate

i have always had tendencies
to paint a million expressions
to cover my face

because behind the mask
is a sight not worth noticing

i have always had tendencies
to reach for the sky
and claim the clouds mine

because i am in denial
that the sky will one day
claim me

i feel my way towards
a misty light
where absolution
is non-existent
hoping that when i will
miss a step and
tumble past gravity
i will keep on falling
until i come out
on the other side of the universe
and you will be there
to give me back the balance i lost
when i was lost
on the other side

latches

2011-09-12T16:55:00.001-07:00

but there are never perfections
no matter how hard we try to
rewrite our mistakes
so i remind myself
that there is no harm
in braving the frontier
and walking through a wasteland
to find a way
to fix the past
and build a present

i want to give you the tattoo
on my fingers
that spell S A O R
- Irish for free -
because i carved for you
a new path
and you still have
much more freedom
than me
and you deserve the medal
inscripted on my skin

i am still caught in between lines
and stuffed into boxes with no openings
still
trying to figure
if honesty is really worth
tasting so fucking bitter on the tip of my tongue

i wasted a great deal of
breath
when i let go of something
i planned a world for
and for a second it feels like
i died in the moment
because i let go of something
i was living for

but there is never a permanence
and i am still here
in the inbetween
reminding myself
that i let go of one world
to latch onto another

i want to give you the smile
you gave me
and remind myself
that love is not always meant to last
but i can still find it beautiful

it is not always perfect
because it is when everything
falls apart
when you find that missing piece
you've been looking for
beneath the broken concrete.

passing through

2011-09-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

There is freshness on my skin
spreading from a burial,
from the core of my mind,
of what was once beautiful,
so beautiful,
washed away with the pain I have built
for the souls in love.

Light and heady,
nothing is clear,
except the words spoken
and emotions sheared.

It is about time I put aside my depression
and believe it is all for the better.

Sometimes I will look back
and shed a tear
because of the missing pieces,
but mostly, I will smile
and remember how it was once
a feeling indescribable
when i whispered kisses
and opened my heart
to somebody deserving
of much more.

I will smile at the chances
to have created perfection,
and look forward to the skies,
eager for new flaws to fix,
for new life.

the calm before

2011-09-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

the moon is hiding his face
from the shame of the night
like my words cannot seem to
stretch from my throat
like a slingshot
in the hands of a soul
without direction.

i stare at the sky
as empty as the pulp of
my mind
and i wonder if there were ever such things
like the Northern Lights
or the cry of a heartbreak

if there were ever miracles
in the horizons of my life

the moon hides his grace
from the cold of my whispers
like the way i
hide from the sun
and its stark reality.

alone with the evening

2011-08-28T12:09:00.001-07:00

i counted the many breaths it takes
before a confession
and the heat that burns
the tip of your thoughts
with every attempt
to numb dissatisfaction.

i slide through every fall
of the sun seeping towards the horizon
stealing the sleep i am deprived of
and consider the impact of
every storey
is it worse with emotions
or without?

i force forward aimlessly
filling gaps that never fill
and count the breaths it takes
to feel alive.

shivering.
solitary.
still counting.

the many breaths it takes
before your heart
stops trying
and gives way to illusion.

whiskey.

2011-08-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

i place my features on the walls
and leave my face on the pillowcase
just to see if i can
disguise into another skin and
still feel real.

i talk to my sheets like
they are my lover
constantly curling into a shell
with nothing inside to fill
for comfort.

i have become good at
being somebody else
other than me
until i no longer recognize
the eyes i stare into
when i paint my reflections for
the world to see.

i still exist -
barely.

i am the turmoil
within a glass of
swirling fire and
quenched emotions
on a misty night of
contemplation.

with a buzz in my ears, i fall

2011-08-23T16:08:00.001-07:00

i train myself to decipher
where the stars divide
on the black core of the night,
to piece together the fallen ends
of a clouded sky.

i see myself in a faded mirror
spotted and corrupt,
and try to decipher where the emotions
divide in the black core
of me.

i am standing on the edge of
the sea of my thoughts
and imagine the world is flat;
will i ever find the absolution of my life?

there are shadows on the wall
and i pretend i am them, ready
to shift or entirely
disappear
when the earth shifts
and the hues of the day morph.

i listen to painfully beautiful songs
and i pretend i am the one
they are singing for
even though i am a speck of dust
on the face of the world.

and you can see it in my eyes
like familiarity,
the sight of a soul
calling for the night,
calling for the dead,
because living is starting to feel foreign -

a vast abyss i cannot stand
falling in for eternity.

there is a taste in my mouth
that i cannot form into words
so i swallow
and i swallow
and i swallow

until i can no longer taste
until it becomes a part of me.

sore

2011-08-21T17:59:00.001-07:00

i hugged a stranger
during a street carnival
because a man with eyes like the moon
told me it was destiny
he gave me a pebble of hope
which i stuck down my throat
and prayed for it to at least
taste good
because destiny so far has only
ruined it for me

my body aches from
hours and
days and hoursminutesdayshoursminutesdays of
secret whiskey
and pounding music
to numb it all
to numb it all
and i will pretend i hate it all
when i wake up
when really
i hate being at a point when
life pivots back to planning my next stumble

i will pretend i hate long nights forgetting who i am
and wonder how the cigarette burn on my wrist got there

i am aching from
clenched muscles, curled in and
shuddering in my sleep
tight-roped
tight-skinned
tight-minded
i am exploding

i am clawing away from the hurricane that drove through
the middle of my chest
and i pray to an empty sky
like there is somebody there
to save me

curse

2011-08-18T15:58:00.001-07:00

broken glass
tainted window
shaken fingers
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul
shaken soul

morbid minds
morbid minds
drunken heart
drunken heart

i let myself
fly away
i let myself
fall away
i let myself
die away
i let myself
fall away

crimson lips
blackened eyes
white cold shivers
white cold shivers
a heaven like hell
a heaven like hell

broken glass
tainted window
shaken soul
morbid minds

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

freedom is immune
freedom is shut
freedom is dead

foudre

2011-08-18T09:39:00.001-07:00

I hate it when
my soul grow ten times too large
and wrap around my senses
I feel tight around my skin
and throw up a million emotions
from the core of my heart
like I have placed them in all the wrong places

There are two stars
shining bright in my eyes
yet there is always one
that will burn me to the dull
because I am stuck in a permanence

I hate it when
I control a million things
yet I cannot master
the direction
of my beating pulses

I try to hold onto mesmerizing
memories
yet I hate the way
I boil down to the bones
with
pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain

I am sorry
for ruining
the sky
and drawing in lightning.

Teeth

2011-08-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

days when my legs twist inwards
and i ache from the inside
and ache from the rib
pangs of punctured emotions
like when i am missing
the strength you build
from my feet
upwards

i feel ragged
and choose to curl in
because the grey skies
scare me
i miss the light
that rests on your shoulders
when you are near
here

i confiscate my million negativities
in hopes of chasing a new sunrise
on my own
and learn to touch the stars
naming my favourite ones after you
you you you
are my favourite star

but there are days
when my legs twist inwards
and i ache from the inside
because i miss the way
your legs get tangled between mine
and your hair will tickle my nose
and get caught between my lips
and i will turn my face to yours
and tell you
we belong together

tender

2011-07-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

i hear a whisper
of hope,
soaring through the skewered
tunes of a sky
slowing to sleep.

my heart stops
every once in a while
when i think of you
and fear a million things
that could falter;
fade like the blue of the sky
when storms approach.

the rain pours.
i drown.

yet you find in me
a precious world
i have not learned to see
and you remind me i am
the light that fills
your night
as you are the dreams
that fill my sleep.

you show me
with every melody in the air,
tender and serene,
that i am,
despite the flaws that ache me,
whole and
all beautiful.

when my hands will find their way
home to yours
we will be
complete
and colossal.

alone with the sky

2011-07-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

i am shivering and
trying to avoid the clams under my rib
with every gush of southern wind
as i stretch through the horizons
of a sleeping sky
in search of a calm i cannot feel

i want to stand under a place where
the skies will split
to day and night
because i want to know how it feels
to live in two worlds
and do well, i suppose,
as i am already familiar with
staying awake when half of me is
numb and asleep

i wish for days like these
to never end
when all that haunts me
are the forces around
not thoughts nor memories
but if my present lasts forever
how will i look forward to
finding you
for the future?

moe.

2011-07-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

through a veil of dreams
i walk towards the clouds
that spell your name
and whisper your love in the
cold of the wind
an ethereal warmth
like the touch of your skin.

there are days when i panic
from the loss of your smell
but the thought of you burns strength
in the core of my mind
you teach me a million ways
to let go of pain
and i know no matter how far i stray
i will hurt for a while
but carry you in me
in blissful permanence
because you are my

forever.

Distances

2011-06-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

i miss the way you bite in your sleep

i miss the way you chew your food

i miss how we would bump into each other in the dark

i miss the way you twist around my body like i am the playground and you are the child

i miss the way i clutch onto the strands of your hair when i sleep on your chest like i am hanging on for dear life

i miss how your laugh is a little loose around the edges when you've had some to drink

i miss the way you kiss my fingers, each and every.

i miss how you would put on a soothing song to send me to sleep though you had to stay up working and bear the toxicating notes of the music

i miss how you always wear your shoes inside the car

i miss it when my laughs turn to hiccups every time you hide your face under anything in reach when you are embarassed

i miss the way you bite my nose

i miss the way you smell

i miss the bubble-pop sound you make with your lips when you're trying to make me giggle - never once failing

i miss the way you'd sometimes not see when i am crying but always know when something is wrong and somehow manage to wipe my tears before they fall

i miss our clumsiness and your forgetfulness, and the surprise you spring on me when you miraculously remember things about me and about us in such fine detail

i miss how you get lazy after scratching my back for a while

i miss the way you come up with little jingles and change song lyrics

i miss the way you love putting your hand under my armpit and i try to stop you

i miss how you never know what you want to eat

i miss how your lips taste like reality, and how that fact sends me reeling when we kiss

i miss the way you would lodge into stories and carry on from one to another, and how i would never, ever get bored of listening

i miss the way you will randomly jerk and shudder when your car window is down and the wind makes your hair tingle on your skin

i miss how you'd try to fit in my clothes or use them as accessories, and the laughter that pursued

i miss wearing your clothes, your boxers, your 'I Am 75% single' shirt

i miss getting annoyed at you and then feeling hopeless when you give me the puppy dog look when you are obviously clueless to what i was annoyed about

i miss forgetting why i got mad at you in the first place

i miss how you make me feel like i have no problems around me when i am with you

i miss arguing over certain contradictory points

i miss the way you'd keep apologising though it is not your fault

i miss teasing you and your attempt to sound smarter just to cover up

i miss how you'd get certain words wrong and stumble over your lines

i miss how you stop me from whining and help me fix my problems

i miss your strength and patience

i miss how you always need to double check the lock on the car

i miss your thousand facial expressions

i miss the way you sulk in the car and twist towards the window just to make me laugh

i miss tying your hair up in different styles and how you are sensitive to when i pull too hard and wince

i miss our movie plots and imaginative stories

i miss your complaints about how you'd make a better prime minister

i miss the way you'd exclaim in shock at your growing stomach

i miss you losing your keys

i miss being there when you get upset

i miss lying on top of you as we talk and listen to music and watch movies in your room

i miss Lost with you, and how i'd feel insulted when you fall asleep watching movies i show you but forget about it after a while

i miss how you'd save me cigarettes and how i'd scold you when you smoke too much

i miss your wide, face-stretching smiles and how they make me love you more

i miss how you remind me i am beautiful when i feel i am not

i miss the way you'd tickle me then panic when i return the favor to you

i miss your comfort

i miss the way i feel safe with you

i miss your breath on my neck and ear

i miss the way i'd scream when there is a cockroach and you'd immediately be there to end my fear

i miss how you are scared of heights

i miss how you'd imitate a million voices and Liyana Jasmay's smoking ad on X.FM

i miss how your skin feels softer on your back than your chest

i miss the way your hair will tickle my nose

i miss the way i'd touch the curve of your smile and you'd smile even wider

i miss the shine in your eyes

i miss your obsession with bread and Planta and strawberry jam

i miss how you'd go "Oh my god, I'm still hungry" after your meal and bury your face in my lap

i miss the way you tell me i will be a good mom because of the way i scold you

i miss us headbanging in the car together

i miss your brown three-quarter pants and how i would tell you to stop wearing it

i miss listening to your voice when you tell me you love me

i miss your love and how time stops when i am with you

i miss saying 'I miss you' knowing i would be seeing you in the next few hours

i miss you and your everything

i love you.

flying

2011-06-28T02:43:00.000-07:00

it is a quirk,
missing you;
like the anticipation of a timebomb
the exhaustion of a thousand nights awake
like the way i will walk down the street
thinking of you
and suddenly lose my
sense of direction.

i wander through my thoughts
searching for you
and things that remind me of
your smell
is a memory
your voice the song stuck in the record player
of my mind.

it is a quirk,
missing you;
i am tumbling down
because you are gone
but
rising up with pure joy
because i have found somebody
to so passionately feel this way for,
now.

the other list

2011-06-28T02:31:00.001-07:00

I will laugh wholeheartedly
at funny moments that pass me by
to share them with you a little later
so you can
laugh, too.

I will try not to
be a grump
or get angry too often over
the littlest things because
i don't want your comfort to seem
too far away
and i don't want to hurt.

i will learn to drive
and get a license
so one day i can
come home
and drive Sally Bum legally.

I will eat cheese croissants
in the South of France and
think of you
and roti cheese
and every word we have said and meant.

I will smoke different types of
cigarettes
and miss our Winston Lights
and those you'd save up for me
and miss you.

I will fall asleep with your shirt
knowing you are here
and breathe you in when i'm sad
and breathe you in when i'm happy
because the distance will never
stretch us apart

I will wake from nightmares
and try not to cry
because I need to be strong now
without you here to
wipe my tears away.

And I will never forget to go back
to the core of my heart
because there is a precious place there
where I will find
you
and our memories
to keep me going.

Precious

2011-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

And here we are now,
stood upon far shines of
life's spectrum
calling through the wide, open-
For some familiarity
and solace in the empty spaces
as we sleep and eat and
drive and walk in the rain
and go through our days alone
but not alone.

Here we are now,
hands reaching out into the air
that separates us
and we will somehow touch our way
to each other's hearts and grow strength,
there
as we share the same sky
and learn to love
from the distance.

like golden dust

2011-06-14T03:27:00.000-07:00

i have let go of thoughts that
scab and stretch like half-opened wounds
seeing in the distance much more than just
blank spaces in the slur of my mind.

once upon a time
there was a girl who held onto
memories that slayed her
like a thousand blades
crippling her shine with mounds of
suffocation.

i have grown to embrace
that there are still chances
to grasp a bliss that needs no dreaming for
in a reality once broken to me
like when the sight of you
can wash my every pain

because you are to me
the life i once forgot to love
when the clouds tore apart
and shook me into the hurricanes.

i have now learnt
to love myself a little more
than before

because with you
it is like when dust turns
to gold
in the silence of a sunset
and the world is breathless for just a while
as if every soul is sighing
for that second of

absolute beauty.

3.01am

2011-05-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

tick
i can't sleep
tock
i can't sleep
tick
i can't sleep
tock
i can't sleep
tick
i can't dream
tock
i can't dream
tick
i can't dream
tock
i can't sleep
tick
i can't sleep
tock
i can't sleep i can't tick dream i can't sleep tock sleep i can't tick dream sleep
i can't sleep
tock
i can't dream
tick
i can't dream
tock
i wake up screaming
tick

tock

tick
help

tock.

for you, my most

2011-05-10T22:35:00.001-07:00

it is a thick, musky choke
of unspoken words
adrift in the air
as we stare into each other's worlds
and feel estranged yet
familiar.
we sense our million apologies
under our skin; within every
breath
hush apologies that fall
over things that do not really
matter, now.

we hold in little spaces
colossal dreams and a tender
reality
you will always bring me back to
when i sink beneath surface
- the smell of your hair; your breath,
moist on my neck; my clench
urgent
on the scapes of your body

the way your voice lulls me
out of the closets of my mind.

i feel beautiful when i am
in your arms
like a snowflake you are afraid
of breaking
yet your warmth will always
melt me
into little droplets and i will
float towards the sun;
free & full of shine.

when you balance my name
so carefully on the tip of your lips
you are to me
a life so ethereal
like the horizons
on a skyline
reaching out from beneath.

Marvel

2011-05-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

You are a marvel
as we are tangled
in two
your heartbeat against my skin
our bodies
warm with emotion
like summer moist
and dragonflies

You are the strength
I once denied myself
your eyelashes tender
upon my cheek
fluttering
like the butterflies
under my nerves
as you whisper
promising words
that hold life in their wake

You are a reality
born out of mirages
I couldn't reach
and you are
everglowing
like the stars i would pick
out of the sky
just for you.

Farewell, childhood

2011-04-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a world
filled with
separation and despair
but there was always a tint of
sunshine
behind the drapes of anger
frustrationcorruptdivisionmisguidance

I grew up
believing false words
and misunderstood a life before
mine
with paranoia as a parent
and confusion
a tool

Farewell, childhood
you have bid me no good
I have grown up
and flown
from your clenches of untruth

I grew up with a culture
divided and forced
I grew up with a life
drawn out and
confinedstuffedchoked

Farewell, childhood
you beauty is now stained
I have grown up and flown
far from your grip
I will miss my good memories
stashed away with the bad
Farewell, childhood
the little I had

I grew up
unknowing
with visions uncomprehended
blurred and misguided
I grew up up with
a love that fed
denial that brimmed
through the soul of the broken

I grew up unsure
with a thousand questions
buried
I grew up untamed
frustrated with
uncertainty

Farewell, childhood
I have outgrown you
you have failed to teach me
happiness
but I will find my own light
Farewell, childhood
you had bid me no good
with paranoia as a parent
and confusion a tool

Farewell, childhood
I have now grown up and
flown
I will leave you behind
my past
with everything untrue
and i will live an empty start
to fill with
an untainted future

Farewell, childhood
I have grown up
and flown.

bad habits

2011-04-19T02:03:00.001-07:00

I am never as perfect a picture
you paint
- but I still try my best
because in your eyes
i am beautiful though my min
is torn

- still beaten,
tainted with a soul full of
fear and darkness, fear
and weakness and there are
many reasons to why i could
hate myself
and fear
and panic
because i would rather cower in my fall
than risk losing balance
when i try to be strong

I can sense how some words
taste bitter on your tongue
and hang in empty air
because nothing else fits

and I hate when I cannot
bring myself to open up
and sweeten the atmosphere

I have the tendency to
search for hidden things
I never really needed to find
but I still hunt, on
and on, because I have always had
the tendencies to hurt myself
with self inflicted torment

when i will sift through
thoughts of our past
i ache with a fury i cannot comprehend
a missing piece that will never be
sought
even though we are now
our own world

- and that is when i get scared as hell
because I wake up
to the wrench of a nightmare

there will always be rainclouds
in the pure blue of our sky
blurred and left unwiped

a bruise in the corner of my heart
the clogs that will never release

I will only hope to still find you here
when I wake from a distant call
because that is all that matters now
despite the callouses of my mind.

fingers in the sky

2011-04-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I fear
about lightning
because it is just a
passing collision of
clarity. Beautiful -

But I can fear the sun
with its everlasting shine
though its touch
is a delicate warm. The sun, she
shines
forever above
a glare that blinds and
sometimes burns
red lines on my
skin.

I am in love with the moon
yet i am only
in love with a reflection
tainted by the
everlasting shine
as it shares the
inevitable light
the moon greedily
absorbs.

The new moon sometimes seem
so much better
because I don't need to feel the need
to sit and watch
and I can own the sky.

There is nothing I fear
about lighting
but the blinding light
of a forever sun
is a risk that will
always burn in my mind.

touch

2011-04-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

there are memories that i'd handpick
and capture for your keep
but they are the ones
that linger in between our fingers
free and full to the brim

and i will not taint
an ever glowing shine
to temporarily ease
an ever lasting pain

i am in a state of mind
that holds heavy and bold
yet hollow in the middle
and you are the only touch i need
to fill up the cracks
with a substance so fluorescent
to pull me together
when i feel i am disintegrating

there are things we lose
in a natural disaster
that will never be replaced
but where there is ruin
there will always be hope
of a day the aftermath will
blow away

and i began to believe
my light had scorched dry
but this is the part where
my hurricanesdroughtsquakesfloods
take flight
because despite of certain holes in me
that can no longer be filled -
you are now here

i am in a state of mind
that holds nothing
but i have seen my aftermath blow away
and you are the only one
who can whisper away my nightmares
and recapture my dreams

black shapes

2011-04-06T03:54:00.001-07:00

it is always a curse i have faced
when i create something beautiful
from the seam of memories
and meet with a tangle of tight
immovable knots that clog and
blacken.

it began when i left myself out to dry
because i admired the sun
until i charred into ashes and
disappeared into the wind.

he is the sky to which i turn up to
seeking a newfound solace and
tiny places where i can mend the cracks
inside my body
because he is teaching me to not fear
and i feign an everlasting beauty
that never darkens over time
because i don't want him to ever be
the reason to which i cry.

my expectations have always been
unrealistic
and strayed.

i have always been good at controlling my emotions
and feeling the greener grass beneath my feet
never sensing the effect of anything taking a stab at my heart
- i was my strongest shield.

but one day the world tore apart
and burnt me numb until i was as broken to the core
as the world around me in its aftermath.

i have tried time after time after
the longest time
to regain what i've lost
all my strength all my ground all my -
everything
but it is pure, blatant truth
that after all my angsty urges to
be free
i am still a girl who fears to sleep without cover.

it is time they should know
how every little thing that goes wrong
will send me
spiralling into the dark and
screaming for an outlet
and i will feel myself ticking like explosion
as i unravel into insanity
and turning inside out
like i always do
when i feel my heart
excreting a dark, dirty emotion i try so hard to forget
but always find a way to conjure it up
all by myself
like fucking suicide.

hurt.

cold. ugly. familiar.

urges

2011-03-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

lava coursing through my veins
like fiery avalanche
i am splitting apart
peeling
from the inside out
you can see it by the way my fingers clench
and tremble every time i close my eyes
i rage mountains
fury
sea of torment in the full of my mind
where dreams once painted
a longingly blue sky
you are so desperately trying to
hold between your fingers
because you are determined to keep me shining.

it is times like these
when i try to breathe you in
but i am getting in all the wrong signals
when i scatter into frantic
helpless pieces
and i feel unworthy of attachment
to every morsel
of a world that detaches from every morsel
of me.

i feel violent inside
a suicidal tendency tickles beneath my skin
as i reach towards the dark
when the light begins to
hurt my eyes.

i blame myself over & over
as wish for the pain to bury under
like secrets that will soon be forgotten
in the mind of the world.

he dreams my dreams

2011-03-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

it is a memory living within me
with permanence
the dangling smell of white, musky passion
clinging to the curve of his neck
the sharp of his collarbone beneath my cheeks
as i drift
into a sky of peace that reside
deep in his eyes
i venture into his soul
and find mine
complete and alive with
a thousand dreams that communicate to
the fall of his eyelashes as he
sleeps. a sound of a thousand angels
soaring towards the shine of summer

when i will quiver with a certain
sense of misdirection
i can breathe him in
from the air around me
knowing he is here
and though we are divided
through skylines of a thousand lives
he is always there watching the moon
shining down on him
knowing it is also
shining down on me

Confessions

2011-03-09T03:42:00.000-08:00

I have never cowered
under the trails of intolerable lightnings
that failed to shake me skin tight
with every outbound shriek and
every bare flash of jagged white,
yet i have tasted the prickle of
fear
scraping the back of my tongue
like inverse cartharsis
as i ripped inside out trying
to bury away
within
colliding upon every self-conjured nightmare
along the way, because this time around
the shrieks forced in -
no flashes of white to
taint the explosion
with beauty.

the days begin to blend
a blur of memories
from a clutter of broken pieces
left broken,
and an equal portion
attempting to heal.
But as things turn grey and
harder around the center,
pain is no longer
poetic
until all that is left is

"i'm just fucking suffocating, you know?"

the skies used to tear apart
around the blues
to rain on me a future
vivid and bright,
but now it hurts to think,
now it hurts to write
and the skies scare the living shit out of me.

i am so tired. so resigned.
Stagnant.

i have a strong arm to lean upon
he is a haven where my heart of injury
stays safe
but i am still facing the insecurities
of turning away from promises
shutting away my thoughts and
running away from reality
yet i try my best to show the strength
of all the love i can flourish
in the midst of the hurricane.

like when i rage wars with a mother
but fear when her breath slows to
a mute echo
as she sleeps -
I am my million contradictions
but i know i now feel.

my tears have stained dry
with pages and pages of despair
and i try
to flush away my reminiscence
of
SuicideHatredDepressionBlackBlack
black pain.

my lungs are clogging up
with words i wish i could utter
but fear the sound of them
on the weight of my lip
words i try to smother down
with kisses of hope
urgent distractions

all i want to do
sometimes
is just to break
down
into a pile of bones
and cry. and cry. and cry.
and wish i can one day open up.

i don't know what to do. i love you. i don't know what i am doing.
i still hurt. i don't know who i am and
can't remember who i was.
i am weak.

Help.

pulp

2011-03-01T05:23:00.000-08:00

stretch.

cold space, tight like knives.

scrape. grip. scrape. clench
losing grip.

and it stretches into my soul
- rip.

ghouls.monsters.vultures.
my1000unfriendlyghosts.

slither, slither
(into me and) stretch. rip.
suck.

black stare; blank like death.
freeze. shudder. squeeze. mutter
-incoherent words
they freeze down my throat
like an avalanche.

disaster.
pain.murder.
pain.
torture.pain.

fear.

my mind collapses.
i am not free.

aurora

2011-03-01T05:21:00.001-08:00

i wonder if you find the missing piece
like i do
in the urgency of our kisses
and wonder if you notice my
fear
when i hold onto your arm
like a twig in a gush of
flood and i shift closer to you
when you are asleep
because i don't ever want
to find your skin
foreign.
i still face nightmares
of you
walking away
though you caress
the plains of my body with a
heartbreaking glance
and your
beautiful smile
and it is the most complete i feel
when i whisper to you
that you are the colors
of the rainbow
that fell from the sky
and into my dreams.
and you look into my eyes
and whisper back
that i am your rainbow.

a little later

2011-02-26T22:38:00.001-08:00

tripping over buried jewel under my balance, i am still unknowing of how it took so long to find his shine in the grit of dirt beneath my pain-stained world and learn as he teaches to find hope flicker behind every comforting whisper and a healing heart.

but with every freeway
comes a tunnel
and i feel like i am once again plunging into the midst of a heavy dark where the light might misplace me as i speed through the clots of my miserably blunt thoughts, murky and rusted, without an end to show me out.
i tend to forget
about the vents above
to climb into and escape
upwards.

it is the worst to feel this way when i have nobody to blame
but myself
and i feel guilty for trying to find outlets because i am too afraid to admit to my demons and i try to understand why i have ended up this way but i cannot see through the regular black spots that tint my eyesight of a once colorful world.
and i wish i never forget the taste of freedom,
and i wish i never learnt the taste of freedom,
and how challenging it becomes,
yet how thrilling to fight for.

i held his hand when i was my freest,
without ever feeling
as alive as i did again,
when i put aside my insecurities
to haunt me a little later.

but when 'a little later' is
a little too late
and visits when your guard is at the lowest,
i wonder if throwing away the weight just for a while to attempt to fly was really worth it to be strong, as i head towards the skies without any security left in me to pull me back towards the ground.

i want to feel free when i am
with you
but i have to face my own ghosts and
live my own cages.

overflow

2011-02-18T22:05:00.001-08:00

i continue to pick on the skin beside my bitten down fingernails when i have nothing to do and no cigarettes to smoke, and my eyes will zone out as i picture a series of cold, unpleasant imaginations.
some call it a bad habit
but i call it clockwork
ticking like a timebomb until the next explosion of thoughts that can almost (kill) suffocate me; it is an automatic structure of the way my body works and some may give it an alienating medical term but i'd rather just stick with "stress" to make myself feel a little bit better about myself.

there are still days when i am in need of
letting my soul fly
free - so i listen to music like Sigur Ros, A Perfect Circle and Deftones and capture lyrics like "you're into depression because it matches your eyes" and "overwhelming hostility"
so i try to steer away from the words and listen to how these bands have so much emotions they can teach me how to feel again when i crumble down from another session of "i need to run. i need to run. i need to -"

i wish i can fly

i wish i can feel the skin on my bones deteriorate with the wind as i disappear from a place at a time because i want to be somewhere else; under a rock or inside a box
or in your arms with my face buried in the curve of your neck
and tangles of your hair

and i will worry about my weight crushing your heart as i lie above your chest counting your heartbeat and i worry i will lose you
forever
then the clockwork begins a ticking and i will try to runaway so you won't face my disasters but i can never runaway from you because you keep me safe and allow me to curl inwards as you try to communicate when i just want to
fade.

i have decided to keep my hair long
but every so often
i will snip at the side of my hair that measures unproportionately short and keep it the same length as it was last week, and the week before, and the week before because it makes me feel like i am
still the same person

(as who?)

i refuse to take medication and that is why i give away my cough medicine and leave pills and tablets sealed and untouched on my table and threw away every single anti-depressants i was given because i shake my head and prefer the insomnia when they decide on a medicated slumber.

i do not want to dream in colours
if it is not my choice

this is a hollow and dark pit i return to every so often when i sit alone
and have no cigarettes to smoke and want to distract away my fingernails and i will pluck thoughts from the clockwork of my mind to release the tension

then i will look up
and think of you
and how i have the courage to laugh and dare to love because i believe you are worth the try and i get tingles under my skin when our fingers fit together; when you cover my mouth as i yawn and then kiss my back and have a secret smile on the tilt of your lips that only i can notice
and that makes me feel special.
and i want to disappear, again
but i want to disappear with you
because you remind me how to feel
like a favourite Sigur Ros song
when i begin to go numb
and sink into my bad habits once more

eternal

2011-02-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

i try not to stumble
and i try not to pick on
broken glass
again. i have learnt to
wash away my reflections
and create new ones
from the shine of your eyes
and you are the flicker
of hope
of my own Pandora's box.
though i ache
a blunt, cankered ache
i am relieved and
embrace the feel of sunlight
upon my fingertips
because you are the one
who steers away my storms
and never bring me rain.

it no longer matters
where i will find myself
when i wake up
in a foreign morning
far from you
because i know i will
always
find my way back home
to you
and find my place of reason
in the steadiness
of your heartbeat.

delicate

2011-01-31T14:41:00.001-08:00

i let my fingers
trace your bones
under your skin
and you shiver
just a little bit
as i paint a skeletal map
of your body
in my mind
for permanence

dreaming with a certainty
that we will be the same
in ten years time
our limbs tangled together
in a curl of intimacy

my fingers get caught
in the strands of your hair
and i laugh as your eyelashes
graze the soft of my face

and you see the pain
of my overflowing mind
in the smudge of a tear
as you stare into me and
ask me
not to leave you behind
when my thoughts take me
far away

and i will go
far away
when my mind wanders
and brings me to my hidden places

but you will always be
my home

and i will always come back
to you
and never leave you behind
as long as you are there
to bring me back
to the depth of your heart

cigarette kisses

2011-01-30T15:19:00.000-08:00

a smile i kiss
in the stir of the night
as we stare into our
familiar eyes
and i fly into yours
as you explore mine
learning to read my thoughts

your heartbeat is my poetry
and brings you
closer to me
reminding me that i am
not dreaming
when we lie together
without uttering the words that are
floating in the silence
around us

magic is in
every breath we slip
into each other's lips
as our souls intertwine
and you and me
become a part of
me and you

present ends

2011-01-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

there was once a boy
who tore me apart
when i learned to love him
and blinded me from the sun
like an eclipse

and i will think of him
when old unwanted memories
revisit
at a time or place specific
like a stab of a knife
pain in your guts
and i wonder on the reasons why
i threw away my life
on a soul unworthy of me.

he was a boy
who opened my eyes to pain
and depression of a black hole
cold and hollow

yet i will think of him now
and feel good because he is gone
and i have somebody in my life
whose beautiful soul can
whisper into my heart
and heal every wound i built
teaching me how to relive the minutes
i have lost with pain.

and i now find
the courage to smile because
he keeps me together
as i learn to love him
and turn me towards the sun
when there is rain in my mind.

rainbows

2011-01-26T00:49:00.000-08:00

i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left you
alone
waiting for me to learn to love
as i rummaged through blind nights
trying to find my way back
to a heart stashed
cold and unbeating.

i saw the brightest shine
as the skies lit up
the day i learnt to let you in
when you knocked at the entrance
of a sore, unnerved heart
whispering of a secret emotion
i always had
buried under the layers of my
insecurity and self-mutilation

and every time you pull me
back to your side
when you notice my mind
is a million stars away
i embrace the beating beneath
my chest
because the smile on your lips
is magic.

i will never make up
for the many moonshines i left us
alone
but i will try my greatest
to create a breath of
fresh air
every new day the sun shines for us
as we stand together
hand-in-hand.

when fingers touch

2011-01-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

i.

you are beautiful
because you tell me i am everything
when i feel like i am
not enough.

i have gone rusty with
poems i write smiling
and feel new to poetry
of a heart that has truly
found its place
in the hand of another.

"you are beautiful"
you whisper as you teach me
how to listen to the million other words
buried beneath
and i realize there is no harm
in loving myself
because to love myself
is loving you.

ii.

the way we write poems to each other in the same dark room and joke about the littlest things the way you imitate movie characters the way we sing our favourite songs and can't stand tickles the way we blend into the background of our minds because we are our own lives and moan about our days but love them anyway the way we can sit at food stalls for hours and know when to leave because our eyes speak words that need no sound the way you lift me up in your world and help me learn to fly and embrace my flaws and protect my fears the way you forget yourself and i remind you because we are each other's importances the way your legs fold nicely between mine your hair in my face my lips on your neck your kiss on my back my finger on your eyelashes the way i leave my smell on your pillow and yours on my skin the way the world can crumble and we still smile the way i get scared and you make me brave because you remind me i am whole the way our body heat create electric

iii.

i have had countless dreams of a figure
at the blur of a distance
as i stumbled and raged wars
with pain and distorted reflections

a figure who never strayed
and watched as i pulled away from the world
convincing myself to accept loneliness
though you were a figure
that was never, ever
too far to reach

until the day our fingers touched
and you whispered a way
to stop our hearts from beating
hurt
and pulled me back into a world
i had made disappear
and opened my eyes
to a dream that had always held true
because i'd spent too long battling my wars
blind to your hand reaching
for mine
to teach me what strength was

iv.

the way you cringe in embarassment when you stumble on words and watch videos of your college years the way you can tell when i can't sleep and massage my ear and scratch my back and kiss my cheek neck nose lips until i do and i wake you up because you are sleeptalking the way we share cigarettes and food and i wear your shirt and shorts and feel like i am you the way we can talk about nothing and everything and feel at ease the movie marathons roadtrips music life the way we know each other inside out the way you are always going to be my best friend the way our breath synchronizes their pace as we lie tangled in sheets the way my head rests close to your heartbeat and i feel at peace the way my dad can see the smile in our eyes when we are together the way we touch the way we hold hands and dream and laugh and love

together.

v.

and a million words cannot describe
the immaculate feeling of being
you and me
after all the
pain and
timeless wishing

and these words will never
show the world
just how precious your heart is
and i am scared to hold it in my hands
but brave because in your hands
is mine.

vi.

love.

is no longer strange.

home

2011-01-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

every now and then
i lean out for a puff
and i think about the boy
who threw his soul out the 27th floor of my apartment
and wonder what his last thoughts were
as his mind shattered
into a million broken bones

and the wind will sigh in demise
as if to decipher the meaning
of all the pain in the world

my ashes float in frantic attempt to seek
ground
and my feet are rooted firm
to the chair i stand upon to remind
that i am luckier to find balance
where there is beauty
and i reach out
to the boy and tell him it is not too late
when i say i understand

every now and then
i lean out for a gasp of air
and i think about the girl who
sprawled across her bedroom floor
with blood on her wrists as her mother walks in
and remember what her last thoughts were
as she drifted towards death
and thank life for giving her
the second chance of pulling her back in

and i will meet the girl
every now and then
when i stare into the mirror
and dislike the way my eyes
have lost their shine
but i am able to
reach in and
tell her it is never too late
to live again

to beauty

2011-01-12T05:18:00.000-08:00

i am a horrible person

i occupy myself with my own pain because i do not like feeling yours i do not like the way you cry and pretend you are fine so i turn away and pretend things are fine but i can see it when you hurt and you don't know this because i snap at you and pretend i hate you when you guilt trip me and put the blame on me and i treat you bad because i want you to forget feeling hurt for somebody like me and i want you to move on though i am stagnant and will never move on because i want you to forget me i know you hurt and it hurts me too and i just want this to end and i want you to

smile

i am cruel
i am cold

i take your words and stash them away because i try not to feel and i want to stay cold because when i freeze and i break the impact is quick and much less painful and i want things to be filled with much less hurt because you deserve more than this and you deserve more than

me

i am dark
i am empty

i repeat lines from songs that sing about death and dark and i want to be rid of myself and i blank you out from my mind because that way i can sleep easier and feel less guilt every time i think up ways to die and imagine how you hurt when we fight or when i forget to eat sleep live i try to stay strong for you but you are stronger than me and i try to ignore this fact so you can embrace it and love

yourself

when you wake up one day and realize how ugly i have been

alone by the window

2011-01-11T12:45:00.001-08:00

i lean out my window
light a cigarette, listening to the faint sounds
of the neighbours arguing
a gush of air
and the clouds move at an uncanny pace
i watch a stranger walk by
five floors down
and the world is illuminated
with a blur of sounds

i fill my lungs with disease
and exhale nothing
then all is still

deep inside there is a place where
everything is captive and buried
i try to release but i have forgotten
the skill
and all is still.

the clouds have died
the world is silent
the sky is silent
i am silent.

it all feels
lonely.

art of pain

2011-01-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

it is a reflection of days weeks months years of locking everything away and pretending i have never tried to die and pretending i am happy and trying to forget how it is to hurt but i still hurt and forget and i hurt and forget to love myself and love my world because in my eyes i am torn and shattered and i smoke when i wake up and smoke before i sleep blame the sun for my red eyes and swollen heartaches and the bruise in my chest because i cry when i write and i write when i cry and it hurts to speak and it hurts to stay silent but i do it best when i curl in and block out the world and hold on to a million memories that made me laugh and a million others that make me shiver and clench my fists when i dream and think in anger in frustration in disbelief of myself and the things i have done and things i do and i try to embrace life without embracing death but i cannot forget the beauty of letting go when i lay on the floor and held on to nothing except the whispers that told me things were over so i try to smother myself with chores and routines and words that mean nothing because i want to feel nothing and i forget how to feel but i feel empty anyway because i learnt that the math of the negative always empowers the positive so when i fall to zero i fall lower into pain and i try to smile because i am learning to be happy but i cannot face everybody because i do not want to infect do not want them to see how i hurt and i want the laughter the smiles the joy to return because i have always been better at dealing with my own pain and my own flaws and my own

solitude.

i sleep it away for a few hours and wake up in a place where nothing is bliss because my mind is tortured and my body is exhausted i am exhausted in attempt to stay neutral and pretend i do not see it when they cry and pretend i don't know they hurt so i can feel like everything is alright because i want to be free but i cannot feel free and i try to let go of things that matter but things that matter is what keeps me going and i want to give up so they can forget me but i want to stay or else they will forget me and i am selfish and i am a terrible person because i have lost the ability to use my heart and love i want to love i want to feel good i want to feel real and significant but i am not i am nothing but a cold broken sore mass of emptiness and i want to let it all go but can i let myself go?

-

2011-01-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

I am drowning into myself.

rape

2011-01-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

there was a time when i scraped out my heart
and placed it on a platter
learning through pain
to serve it cold for someone undeserving

it broke me into a million empty shards of
dead and unreflective glass

there was also a time i realized
i am the underserving one
staring at a heart served warm
and coiling backwards
incapable of holding its beat

the feeling of gut-sucking guilt
hurts like a million knives cutting into my eyelids
making shapes on the thin of my eyes

- so hate me

2011-01-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

i ache and i
cringe with an overflowing surge of
frustration and self-hate and mortifying pain
it is as if i am the only one
who can see how fucking crucially ugly it is
to be me

i do not want any
of the beautifuletherealbreathtaking feelings
called happiness, love, hope, joy
because i am inadequate
and incapable
and too selfish and too insecure and too uncontrollable
to handle the normality
of being loved
or feeling love

i did once and
i ended up
trying to disappear

because i hold a black heart and
dry skin to the core of my chest
and scream only
emptiness

i am deserving of nobody
and you are deserving
of the world

pain

2010-12-23T07:04:00.001-08:00

the moths are fluttering in the pits of my body
and i try to decipher the flap of every
crushed, grey wing
but i comprehend nothing of this
empty
bland emotion.

i see the pain in her eyes
reflecting mine
for i am unable to make her heal
and i feel insignificant in a life
too full to hold
an overflow like me.

the time is ticking
and i can sense an overwhelming air of
an end i try to run from but-
i try to run but i cannot seem
to set myself free.

the cold water fills my lungs
i try to drown away all i feel
and all of me
but i gasp for breath
because i am not meant to leave this way.

i am full of regrets
and hold in my hands
a clench i never let loose
because i am a burden stuffed sore
written halfway and crumpled
into piles of torn paragraphs of an
incomplete tale.

lost prescriptions

2010-12-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

i find myself staring at
sharp corners and razor blades again
wishing on a dead sky
and crying out to nothing.

i feel bruised inside, sore and aching
heavy from thoughts that paint
fake smiles on my lips
a block of dark that
damages the shine of my laugh
the mass of clogged up memories that
linger behind my eyes,
burnt red and swollen
from choking restraint.

i am shivering again
with incomprehensible chills
at the back of my head
and it takes the voice
of those who have seen
the ruins of my heart
to bring the burning pain
pouring out from my skin

i repeat to myself
before a stale mirror
that i am strong
and i can find my freedom
but i am forever caged
within myself
and my loss of sanity

blank spots

2010-12-13T07:46:00.000-08:00

gestures spark pitch black
and screech
incoherent words
into the blank of my
bleached
rusted soul

i feel.

i feel.

i feel nothing.

saluting the darkness

2010-12-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

the devils whisper nightmares
into the strands of my hair
and the white of my eyes
rolled shut and blind

and i awake from a nightmare
falling into another
like a wave that meets no shore
one more twist of
sweat stained
torn sheets
soaked with pain and
aching restraint

i converse with a world of
bane, pierced and crushed
deflated of all crisp and cornered memories

devils, they whisper
they scrape into the beads of my minds
stretching me awake
with a scream that etches a
blackhole
in the light of the world

chipped

2010-11-25T09:04:00.001-08:00

the trickles of heavy sighs escape
and i am pounding my fists on the
soft
of my thigh
searching for an emotion to latch on
and finding none.

the silhouettes of desperate fingers
clenching.clenching.clenching
i don't know what the fuck i am doing
but i don't feel lost
because confusion
is where my home is -
a warm feeling that clogs my breath
and taints the unsteady beating
of an old heart exhausted

rusted and misused.

welcome to a night of clarity
where all is murky
and my mind is stale.

chemicals & sharp objects

2010-11-14T23:25:00.000-08:00

i pick on a tender part of inner skin
flush it with a wash of ink
hearing voices i do not recognize
yet feel at an odd sense of clarity

i have been to this phase of
self enclosure many times before
yet i have never felt this real;
stagnant and disguised
a face you remember only
for tunnel eyes and bitten lips

i play games with my mind and
fool myself a million times
by saying
i am feeling alright, just alright
even when i am
cringing at my own voice and
fuming at the multiple fuses i light
within the center of my heart
where veins are black
and joy is short-lived.

i would love to seal my lips
and never utter another
and never hear the sounds of things i despise
cracking a million mirrors along the way
to hide my crumbling features

shards of a broken soul

2010-11-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

i have toxic running through my body
my mind is clear
and i smile a genuine smile
after a thousand broken eyes
and charred lips.

i am no longer the one
with a soul that reaches out
and cures the wounds under my skin
nothing more than a
tangled reel of broken cassettes
and tainted plastic bags
in the corner of the street
unnoticed and torn.

intoxication is sweet when
you don't wake up
and face a life the sun has turned
away from
since the day the moon collapsed
and burned down the
thousand stars upon my fingers

tasting iron

2010-11-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

when i spend hours doing nothing but
write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and write and ache and andwritendachewriteandwrahehchewith -

i take on a role possessed by
self-aroused demons
calling out familiar sounds that
pick on my nerves and distort my reflections
like a memory once washed away
creeping over me just to watch me
curl up
in attempt to sleep
because i feel

lost and hopeless and empty
and dark and dirty and
in pain.

... and i honestly cannot be fucked to stay awake
anymore.

the other side of

2010-11-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

the midnights of clumped thoughts
revisit with sharp grips
like iron fire and salted wounds.

i am left with a finger pressing down on scorched throats and screaming pain, my heart pounding to no rhythm for me to live on and i reminisce on serenity but drift on states of daggers that cut through me like awkward atmosphere every time i turn around expecting a smiling memory but find only nothing

staring back.

//

i take two turns around death
like it had never left the line on my skin
screeching to explode and
reignite that thirst for
blank spots
i once possessed and drowned

with it, i left the part of me
that never learnt to float

i try my best to fit in the background
where all is still
and all is vast
but there is no space for a
mind this jagged and
out of place

i do try to make it
i do try

i do try to make it better
but things still hurt
and there's nothing i can do about
the fucking pain

//

i try to control the way i speak
i try to remain
significant to where i stand
in my life

but the midnights return and swallow me whole into a twisted hole of empty air except this time the black of it is a dense collective of strangled voices choking and cold and i am not ready for this anymore.

//

mother, it is too soon
stay stay stay stay stay
there are spaces in my heart i sacrifice
for you
and you have not kissed me goodnight
since the day i tried to
kill myself

//

my nails are a funny shape and colour
but it does not make me laugh
because my habit
of biting nails when i feel without
is now a daily hourly minutely routine

and there are still days
when i want to rip my wrist out
and count the layers of skin
that saved my life

just to spite myself

//

there are those who
teach you how to sew your heart shut
by attempting first
to break it

the first who does it
will always succeed and
the manipulation smashes you through
you believe it'll never repeat
and it never does
but the pain is constant
because it is after the second
when you begin to lose
passion
and gain a cold flicker
on the shine of your glance

and you take on a different smile
and a different laugh
and a different mask

//

i can not dare
to stand for peace
the wars raging in my mind
is where it all begins
without freedom inside
i will never be free

//

these midnights
are the nightmares i skipped
from twitching my fingers and
learning to hold my breath
out of water

and it was my second take around death
when i realized the midnights
never leave
because the dreams you forget
take detours and come back as reality.

//

lumiere

2010-10-29T22:18:00.001-07:00

we look up to the same skies
and the distance fades with every
lightning bolt
crashing into empty spaces of our thoughts
as we slither into each other's dreams
praying for a miracle
we can't find in our own
because we have run out of hope

there is a thin line that separates
a touch of the hand
and fluctuating heartbeats that hold
a million messages that we
every so often might stumble upon
and decipher
past the border with a taste
of a sweet sort
on the tip of our tongues

we look up to the same
shade of sunset
listening to our hearts rise
as we fall in love again
with the broken little pieces
we hold in our hands
of a world so easy to get lost in
yet so easy to find our way back
to the place above
a line that taught us to reach out
when we run out of hope
and there is somebody there
waiting

heavings of a screaming heart

2010-10-24T04:28:00.001-07:00

three lines down the page expressing
certain miniscule actions
that replace colossal pieces of my life
and scare me to think of choices

i blink away the blurred visions of dandelions
flying askew, crashing hard onto the surface of my cheek
burning me with a thousand unanswered thoughts
because chances are,
i never notice the way i move
in my sleep compared to a time
when i lay still and curved
inwards
eyes blank wide distant.

and the burden of different lives i could've lived
stand tiptoed on my shoulder blades
piercing through my physicality and
pulling down my mind

an orchestral mass of confusion and
terror
creating the notes to a suicide song

vanishing act

2010-10-18T23:36:00.001-07:00

there are cracks we look through
for a better view
the window too easy, too clear
a way,
we search time and time
for simplicity but
always prefer the complications.

there are cracks we place our lips on
to intake a whiff of the
fresh air beyond
because things on our side
always seem too choked
too full of
our own creations
and we try to
escape
always running
and never stopping
as if there is nowhere
in the million spaces
for us to hide

there are cracks inside us
some bigger than others
from where we never seem to heal
to heal from pain
like a drug
it feeds on our life
like a drug
and we accept it

there are cracks we look through
and smell the fresh air
from time to time
we break ourselves into a million
just to find a crack big enough to
swallow us hole and
watch us disappear

shorthand

2010-10-14T22:31:00.001-07:00

we tipped our glasses of
red hope and clarity
chugging down what was once
sweet
turned sour
like life on speed; on
drugs that paint mirages in our minds
and feign a reality

i write short poems nowadays
because some things are too precious
to elaborate on.

luminous

2010-10-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

My lips have held a million unspoken words

and a taste of pain

slithering through my throat

teaching me how to control my breathing.

I have suffered a sunrise that burnt through my eyelids

and surged to my heart like a

runaway train with nowhere to crash,

a gaping hole

.nicotine

i denied the way my hands felt like

dry leaves

how the veins on my neck ached from screaming

and attempting to swallow light

to make myself believe i can be

fluorescent like swimming

pools and happiness

when all this while

i was nothing but

a forgotten street lamp

on the brink of life,

too bright to look at

but burnt black inside.

my sky

2010-10-05T01:43:00.000-07:00

it takes a while for life to settle back

into ripples of calm and visions

of beauty

after the shatters of a personal hurricane

my shatters of personal hurricanes.

there was a person who inspired my pain

who taught me to love

and taught me to die

and the inspirations were hell to obtain

the point where my expressions

turned dark blue

lurid and choked.

i stand now

with two fingers on my lips

my mind at wander

searching for the miniscules of reason i can

latch on to and have myself feel like

i can once more open my heart to hope

and light, and unfold the pages of my thoughts

to stop myself from crumpling.

but i am still afraid of stars

and the meaning they once held

afraid

that i will fall again for their

blinding light and find myself

under lightning.

the scariest part is when i begin to smile at thunder

screeching in my ear

because it is therapeutic

to my own demise.

cigarette hearts

2010-09-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

i've got life between my fingers
and breath clogged with
chained frustration
thoughts staining every scar darker on my skin

the only thing between me and the world
are two cigarettes and an ashtray
self lit in the dark, sparks
crashing into ground.

i set myself free with twenty
a day, sometimes overdosing on
rushestomyhead to stop
myself feeling sane because
sane is another meaning of pain

- and i am through with that.

the day i ignited life
between my lips
and embraced death with past inflictions.

catharsis

2010-09-17T10:40:00.001-07:00

thoughts that linger on pillowcases

clogged and tried

of days when things were blurred

significance

the nights that never gave me chance

to breath

it is relief that washes over me

when i no longer find

descriptions that fit

and your name tastes

foreign

to my tongue a language

forgotten

your memories unrehearsed

the playbacks in my mind are stagnant

but no longer haunting

and for the first in a while

i learn to embrace reality

because it pulls away all the

pain

i endured for you

replacing instead

a new mind;

less dangerous less

fragile

less choked.

seizure

2010-09-11T11:20:00.001-07:00

glitter dreams

starlight on my skin

as i lay fluorescent

wide eyed

breathing underwater and

learning how to count on

stagnant stars

because you're only lucky enough

to ever see seven shooting stars

once in your life

that night

i was ethereal

with seven wishes to hope upon

yet stand today

knowing none came true

days when

i wake up to heavy sounds

like i am floating

because something inside me

is being sucked out

sucked in?

miniature objects

that stun me

like a secret smile

like a secret

yelling in my ear

teaching me to stay silent

even though my heart

is screaming for air

screaming for air

like stale suffocation

nineteen days

2010-08-31T04:05:00.000-07:00

cracked lips.

a faint flicker of shine

leaking through the webs of my mind.

littlethoughts.littledreams.little

blatant and tempting

like frivolous passion under clouded

stars and puntured moons

where there is no space for me

to breath.

curved in.

warm and safe

a body, an artwork

eyes of daylight and

lips of a religion i conjured from my

heart.

they are strange words

but familiar to a dream long forgotten

a beautiful dejavu.

cracked in.

curved lips.

whisper.

3 lines

2010-08-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

I try to say things

but it is difficult when you are

colliding with emotions that confuse.

a dream that loved me

2010-08-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

the waking dream that found the glitter

in my eyes and kissed the tangles of

alcohol staining the roots of my hair

the dream that planted a mark on my body

like a white flower in a garden of green.

fluttering above me like a halo

leaving tingles on my neck and

whispers on my ears, a hot breath that never fades

it was a dream that taught me passion

and grew on the tip of my lips

as it kissed me under the rain

and told me to stand for who i am.

fresh air;

an escape from the nightmares i lived,

a hand that found my sensitivity

and caressed my weakness, telling me

a biggest secret,

feeding me strength and leaving sweet

aftertastes in the center

of my body

warm and whole

a dream i will wake up from

and smile at the memories

when they revisit

every once in a while.

alone in a square box

2010-08-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

my breathing is loud,

a condition one would relate to

anxietyangerinsanitypain.

i name it a condition because

it arrives unwanted

and i hate people i truly love;

uncalled for,

like accidents in the middle of the night.

i like to talk to myself, as if

i am

the rest of the world,

regretting my good intentions

that led to the loss

of control and fear

of tasting solitude

- though i spend many conscious nights

alone

because

alone

i sense myself

coming back to

life

.and the blindlights hitting me as i stand up too quickly

is beautiful.

there are those who make things better

yet they are them

that make things worse

all the same.

i forget the meaning

of letting myself feel

happy.

everything is around me

i feel heavy

standing by myself.

the first

2010-08-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

raw skin underwater.

a pain that reflects

catharsis

momentary scrapes of hurt that

paints my picture

spells my life

until it fades.

escaping my fingertips,

it is a second of

letting strength escape me

and the past foil me

but i am done with facing

the same page of my

clustered, depressed thoughts.

i am ready to take one step away

from carnage

and leave the burn that once

scarred decay on me.

will you trace my steps

and lead me through

my holocaust?

will i drown?

i speak to nobody

and somebody replies.

flourescent

2010-08-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

my first cold blink of bare truth

when everything fell into reality

took place in the air

where clouds beneath me

gave way

and sent me headfirst

towards gravity.

this is the part when

you lose your right to dream.

every wash of hard, icy life

drowned me in a pitfall of dull

colours that never seemed

to fade,

the hideous artwork of my mind.

i am like the sky

churning towards dark

swallowed in behind the grey

taints blanking out

the rainbows and

taste like afterlife.

the rain is singing

a beautiful pain i can understand.

one a day

2010-08-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

it is only because

the whole world goes still

and i can hear my thoughts

slither into place and

feel at ease

just for a while,

watching my breath form

unspoken words

soaring into the sky

until the last of the ashes

explode on the surface of reality

and create heavy, uneasy sounds

of my mind

waking up.

alone in a smoking room.

2010-07-26T15:09:00.001-07:00

there is life between my fingertips

and a hole in my heart

for a million seconds it is as if

i can hear beneath the silence

the trickle of light

escaping

with every swirl

of translucent

whispers

with every sigh i

outtake.

i find myself standing in a field

where no one can watch me

as i learn how to take

self-taught lessons

step by step

in healing motion.

i open my eyes

and put out the momentary hiss of

existence-

i am still alone but

reeking in a box of smoke

and feeling

indifference.

a journey to an end.

2010-07-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

i wake up to bad dreams; i am trying to run away but i meet ten thousand obstacles in my ten thousand thoughts.

nightmares are like second nature to reality. i am driving towards a far away land and it is meant to be escape

mystical like secret windows and time warps but the smithereens of doubt tell me it is not -

this is stone cold reality swallowing me in.

i see an empty road filled with empty hopes and suddenly it is hard to breath, i am plunging forward with an

unpleasant speed. i leave a certain part of myself behind hoping that i can one day turn back and

recollect.

i hope to breathe in a militude of life and perhaps capture the beauty of cherishing heartbeats beneath my chest. i

take flight with a blank shard in me and for a second, i forget my name, drunk with a depression of slurred thoughts

and twisted guts inside of me.

let me fly.

set me free.

alone at 2.42

2010-07-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

i like the feeling of bedsheets on my naked skin

lying coiled in self protection

in nothing but my underwear

where no one is watching

and no one can hear me breath, where

no one can hear me scream

i feel free

yet i feel

empty

like an abandonned house

filled with dangerous

unwanted spirits.

hand me a bucket of wet cement

before i crack again.

dead cells

2010-07-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

i found ways to let things

flutter and sink into peepholes of

silence

where thoughts barred away

can only glimpse at minds

they used to haunt.

but i forget how thoughts

can gnaw through the thickest skin

and knock me off balance as they

slither back in

as i try to heal.

i am left scraping for surface

as i drown with the piranhas

of my mind.

ii.

it is a blurred vision

fogged by disregard and

several attempts succeeded in moving

forward. but blurred visions

still hurt my eyes and

much more

because they paint pictures

of a past when i knew

i would one day be

where i am today.

i didn't try to stop

because nothing scared me more

than this happening much sooner;

because back then

i stopped counting on hopes

and forgot how to breath.

it is an eternal burn that leaves a hole

in your soul

when you finally gasp for air

and realize you are

immune to life.

iii.

there is nothing worse than movie finales

that do not leave significance

and that is why i wish for

a horrible ending

to contradict everything before

because the storyline would've at least

been worth going through.

but wishes are only for the lucky ones

even if they wish for disasters.

our ending was miniscule

compared to the ten thousand aches

and mental ills that grew beneath

the unsteady skin of my mind

leaving trails on the smooth of my wrist.

we would've been the worst film ever made

because nothing but the 'making of'

was worth enough

to go through what i did.

iv.

regret is a harsh word.

i use it all the time

when i think of how much

i could've changed

to better situations.

i will ponder until the word

is no longer a word

and scrapes into me like

rust, like fucking tasteless emotions.

i am like the child

with down syndrome

the one everybody tries not to pity

yet are unable

to neglect the distortions

oozing from my body like gutter juice.

i learned from the best in lying

and now spend hours in front of the mirror

practising fake smiles

and enthusiastic expressions

just to bluff the world into believing

the mask is the truth.

i can travel alone to far away lands

and walk under lightning storms

without wincing

yet i shudder because of

certain, revisiting memories

and the ghost of what was once

watching the change i have inflicted

upon myself.

dah

2010-07-04T04:58:00.000-07:00

It is a fault I live with

for falling in love,

a fault I take to bed and

hold onto for dear life.

I still count the many time I

stayed up wishing on

dead stars and blank

skies,

I flew with wings

without repair

believing miracles could

still save me.

It is a fault I carry like heavy sighs and

anchors stuck in

thickdirtymud

and it doesn't matter because

we are now gone.

It doesn't matter now that

things have

shattered

like pieces of me

and pieces of you.

welcome to the apocalypse

2010-06-21T17:59:00.001-07:00

Decay in my mind
I am searching for distance but
things that are
unreachable takes effort to
touch
unwanted desires
that are unthinkable
unbelievable

I want to separate from this
but things attached
takes pain to tear apart
like skin and
bones like emotions like
life

I want to be gone
when the world collapses
so I will not be just
another segment of debris
clawing to be found.

Death is a bitter taste I can't spit out
nor swallow in
to the pit of my thoughts.